Out of the muse

Between Two Lungs

2010-09-23T15:03:00.002-05:00

A well-brewed cup of black coffee can be a wonderful thing. But some days, you just need a well-crafted latte. And some days, you just need a well-crafted soy latte because the soy is lightly sweetened with vanilla and you’re on a sugar fast but you need something sweet so bad you kinda can’t take it any longer. Soy latte. Please.

I am one week and one day strong on my sugar fast (except for an errant funnel cake at the state fair, but I refuse to feel guilty about heavenly once-a-year funnel cake indulgences.) I am doing this simply because I love sugar and I eat far too much of it. The goal is to make it to next Thursday – two weeks – without eating any candy, cake, ice cream, sweet pastry, or any food item with refined sugar or fructose. It’s a slow-burning hell.

The saddest confession, though, is that I am eating more Tabasco-flavored Cheez-its in one sitting than I’d ever care to admit. One sin for another, Father… one sin for another.

Concerning my trip to New York City, it ended as beautifully as it began. The weather remained at a pleasant temperature in between a few short summers showers, and after all the walking and getting lost and getting found and breathing it in I can say it was the best trip I have had in my life so far. There’s been very few of them, but it was the best.

In the long-term aftermath, the NYC trip just irritated the traveling bug within me. It didn’t scratch it but inflame it. My hopeful list of travels keeps expanding with the more I hear of other’s experiences in different places. Canada, Iceland, Japan, India, Belgium, Spain… In the next few years I will seek out opportunities to travel as often as possible, always with the hope of experiencing the locations in as much as an authentic way as a visitor possibly can. The most achievable traveling goal: to backpack as much of Europe as possible per time and budget. And I want this to happen next summer.

As for this summer, it has held about as many changes as I can currently process. I felt that once I graduated college that moving to a new city was a wonderful inevitability. It must happen. My ideal first step needed to hold opportunities for acting, modeling, and music while I could develop friendships and launch into life on my own. After a time of considering Atlanta and Nashville and, in a brief moment of insanity, Birmingham, I chose Nashville.

Now, I’m here.

I will say “coincidences” boldly when describing the journey. I cannot remember exactly how it all fell into place. Somehow after a month of anticipation I had employment and housing lined up in the space of a week. Starbucks kindly welcomed me back into their corporate arms and I found a fabulous living situation on – wait for it – Craigslist. So after being hired via phone interview, I met my potential roommate in person on Sunday, and moved up on Tuesday.

This town and its people are very warm and welcoming, partially because, as I have quickly realized, nobody is even from here. A town of transplants that welcomes even more of their own kind. The little communities and social circles expand and link in funny ways. In Huntsville I tended to move in and out of defined communities to pursue different hobbies and be with different friends, where as here the communities seem to flux within themselves. Meeting people wasn’t ever a concern of mine, but I now have a weird fear that I won’t know who I am actually hanging out with – people are very unpretentious. And I don’t know enough of the music community to know off-hand who anyone is. Well… Guess I better just be myself. And polite. Very polite...

I am such a small fish in a huge pond here, and I am so thrilled about it. Knowing that I am surrounded by such overwhelming amounts of talent is completely freeing. It is unnecessary to worry about reaching some kind of level or achieving a certain point. It doesn’t mean anything. I can tend to myself and develop how I am supposed to develop. Someone will always be better, another person could be just as driven. This is an element of dissimilarity that I appreciate so much, in the most bizarre way. It is inspiring.

Underneath it all, this move and change holds some amount of shell shock for me. Perhaps I should be honest and say a huge amount of shell shock. Huntsville held my entire social structure; all my friends, all my hundreds of acquaintances, all my fellow students and all my accountability partners. I hardly ever ran errands without seeing friends, hardly ever had to eat alone, and hardly ever went a day without an invitation to hang out. I hardly knew anyone from anywhere else. And there are my parents, who are my biggest supporters and love me more than I deserve. And then there are my three younger brothers, who are my favorite people, who I would hug everyday and feel their love – they are still growing up in Huntsville. I left it all.

Moving to Nashville was like being submerged. Like a switch. It all stopped. Everything went dark. The reality of it slowly raked through me. Two days after moving, I sat on my bed, my stomach empty and aching, my eyes miserably dry, and felt the silence wash over me. I was alone in a city I barely knew, in a room I just unpacked, with a roommate I just met, with a quiet phone and fresh rejection filling every emotion. I had never felt such emptiness. I had never felt such frightening freedom.

It hurt and I loved it. It hurt and it reminded me that there is so much more. It hurt and I knew I could handle it. It hurt and it has made me better.

I am just over two weeks here. My directional sense is improving, I have scouted out some terrific restaurants and shops, and I have met so many great people. I will continue making friends and learning about people and hoping the effort will be returned. Huntsville doesn’t hold anything for me anymore and never will. I doubt I will ever move back. I feel only the tug forward. I am so excited to make Nashville home for a while, with its funky combination of humility and unbridled talent, Southern friendliness and ruthless drive. I want to learn and grow from Nashville and its people, and even if I can only give back in the tiniest of ways, I am going to try.

This posting marks the end to this blog Out of the Muse. A muse has been an intrigue of mine since my obsession with Greek myths began, and this title held for me a presumptuous promise that one day I would write, one day I would sing, one day I would perform, one day I would love – and perhaps with all the uninhibited grace and passion I yearn for. I began this blog the month of my seventeenth birthday and it has reached the end to its purposes… being that of an outlet, a drawing board, growing channel, and a measuring rod. Although, the time comes, and I don’t know how to add it up.

It is probably unnecessary to list the changes or review the material. I am the whole of the life experiences that I wrote of here and of so many more. The addition is done.

There’s a moment of gathering of self; this is who I am. Where and who I’ve been are in who I am. God has shaped me into this woman through the paths he led me down. I thank him for who I am. And thank God I am eager to live – eager to pursue everything that is next.

Thank you to all who read my thoughts. You are invited to follow my next writing space: kaitrich.wordpress.com, to be launched in October.

Oh, the brilliant lights.

2010-08-15T20:56:00.001-05:00

I'm visiting New York City and it's marvelous.

My day-dreamy love-affair with NYC has always been just that. Daydreams. I had the wonderful experience of visiting for five days with Anne and her mom for both our High School senior trips. Mrs Pam is an adventurous, sweet lady and we zipped up and down the city to see all the tours and show she had arranged: touring the UN, backstage at the Metropolitan Opera and seeing Avida, seeing Wicked on Broadway and Il Divo at Carnegie Hall, and touring the Metropolitan Museum of Art - as well as enjoying the local pizza, coffee, and cupcake shops. Since then, NYC was like a fuzzy dream in my head and I couldn't wait for the opportunity to visit again, and wishing deep-down for the opportunity to move there. I told myself that once I graduated, I would visit. So now I am.

I asked my friend Emily, a NYC resident of five years now, if I could stay with her, and it all worked out beautifully. With the encouragement of my boss and co-worker I set up dates in mid-August, which is when I felt I should go, and bought the ticket a month ago. Since arriving here late Thursday afternoon, I have seen Times Square, 'Chicago' on Broadway, the movie 'Expendables', the Museum of Natural History, 'Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind' by the Neofuturists, three New York City markets, 2 fantastic coffee shops, the lower east side, the upper west side, Midtown, Harlem, Central Park, the observatory of the Empire State building at night, Seaport, Wall Street, shopped through 5th Ave, and ate a ton of food and spent time with some wonderful friends.

And I still have three more days here. ((^_^))

When I think of the nitty-gritty of being back in Huntsville in a few days, I feel.... frustration at the Alabama Board of Nursing, because the renewal requirements for a recently registered nurses are vague and contradictory, and their website format sucks. Annoyance because my website bookmarks to hundreds of websites have become unbearably disorganized and I don't know an efficient way to fix them, thus making me hate browsing the web when I need to. Nervousness because it'll remind me that I have a mere three weeks to find a job and a place to live in Nashville and the lil-engine-that-could attitude towards it all is sometimes challenging to maintain. Anxious because my room is in varying stages of packed/unpacked/donate/yard sale/debatable stacks and boxes and in piles in my closet and I just...can't...handle...the chaos.

However, it's okay. Because I'm visiting New York City. And when I get back from this brilliant adventure, I'll tackle my responsibilities one day at a time. Until then, I'm gonna breathe this all in.

Mild case of the nostalgias

2010-08-05T21:18:00.002-05:00

Filtering through and deleting so many old word documents, I came across my scholarship application letter from 2007. Ah, sweet childhood. So much has changed, so much never will.

To Whom it May Concern Regarding the Scholarship Consideration:

My parents began home schooling me at age six, and I remained home schooled until my graduation at age 16. Throughout my education, my parents always emphasized the primary importance of learning and understanding, not just rote memorizing. They instilled in me the desire to comprehend new material so I can better utilize it later in life. I enrolled in Calhoun Community College’s dual enrollment program my senior year so I could complete my high school course requirements and also receive college credit. I loved the college experience and enjoyed all my classes.

I have many varied interests which include, but are not limited to, USTA tennis, local community theatre, TeenPact for Alabama, Alabama Music Teacher's Association statewide piano competitions, YMCA exercise classes, Huntsville Times Teen Page, sewing societies, dance instruction, and Kingdom Life Fellowship Church. I have volunteered extensively at Constitution Village, Fantasy Playhouse, Lincoln Village ministries and on governmental campaigns. I know these hobbies and pursuits will benefit me in my academic major and in pursuing a well-rounded outlook on life.

In May of 2006 I graduated high school from Excalibur Christian Home School Group with a high school GPA of 4.0 and a college dual enrollment GPA of 3.5 and 18 college credit hours. I was accepted as a member of Phi Theta Kappa and the Dean's List. I received Redstone Arsenal's Calhoun Community College $2000 scholarship and continued my education at Calhoun until Spring 2007. I transferred Fall 2007 to University of Alabama at Huntsville. Now I have completed 84 academic hours and maintain a GPA of 3.4.

My declared field of study is Nursing, with the possibility of continuing education in graduate studies. Since I was young, I wished to enter a vocation where I may communicate with people and assist them all I can. Nursing is a field I feel called into as a career and way of life, and working on a pediatric floor is my first career goal. Receiving a scholarship can set that goal within reach through financial assistance. In the following two years I will strive to receive a Bachelor of Science in Nursing from the UAH Nursing Department.

Thank you for your consideration!

It's been a long journey since 2007.

Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa

2010-07-19T23:11:00.000-05:00

Dancing to Vampire Weekend is almost hypnotic. And it just keeps happening. I may look possessed but inside I'm pretty happy.

My 21st was, how is it you say, uber fab? It was made incredibly special by wonderful friends and wonderful family, and basically two weekends of partying. On the actual day, Saturday the third, the boys and I road-tripped to Nashville and returned in time for a family dinner. Then Lindsey, Corrie, Jenny, myself and some more friends went downtown. We danced and karaoked something fierce, and drank in moderation. Whew. ^_^ The next weekend my parents threw me a lovely pool party, complete with candles, root beer floats, music, and garnering the services of Anna to grill delish kabobs! I was given many beautiful gifts, and I'm so thankful for the memories that were made. A fantastic set of weekends.

Speaking of road-tripping to Nashville, I went back up this weekend and I kinda can't even talk about it. It was too great. And I'm afraid my repeating of the greatness would fall short. Just know I met people and everything was perfect. I cannot wait to go up again.

I have three modeling events coming up that I'm particularly excited about. I haven't been to a shoot in about six months and I've missed it. The preparation, the collaboration, the moment of becoming someone unknown to even myself... It's a form of acting. And as for acting itself, I have missed it more than I can say. I haven't been involved in community theatre since last summer and there's a place inside me that feels somewhat numb. Numb and somewhat frightened. I hate it. And I dont know the next chance I'll act unless I just begin auditioning indiscriminately where ever I move to. However, the only film experience I've had is Alex's short film in April... which easily became one of the best weekends Ive ever had.

I seem to be accumulating quite a list of best weekends ever. And I'm positively loving this trend.

I began tonight the exercise plan to whip my body back in shape after my lazy June and July. It'll be my basic weight routine with some variations, and the elliptical for 40 min, 2 miles, 500 calories burned. Every weeknight. I'll attempt to include a swimming routine as well because I'm a complete noodle after just four laps - and I plan to improve in that area.

Also, I've been picking at the piano lately with my rusty fingers, coaxing the music that was there four years ago back to life. I wanted a crash-course pick-up series of lessons and asked my brothers instructor if he had any availability. Not only did he have the time, after my session this afternoon he offered for me to come twice a week for the price of one session! What a blessing, I'm so thrilled to be working hard at it again.

They're are so many blessings right now, I'm quite overwhelmed. I'm trusting the job opportunities and moving plans into God's hands, and I look forward to seeing what happens. ^_^

"How am I supposed to pretend I never want to see you again?"

Reality as prevention

2010-07-13T00:11:00.000-05:00

You know that feeling of giddiness that you're loath to acknowledge is even there... and once it is you start begging for the reality of it all to set in and hit hard... for the screen to slip and infatuation to end before hurt or fears can overtake you in a side-blind... before you feel that chagrin of loss and a frustration in your heart and you flinch against the remembrance that actually- you really like that person. So just stop it all when you feel an undeniable draw into the unknown that is that-

but you really like him.

The not-so-distant future

2010-07-05T22:59:00.001-05:00

Wait, wait, wait, before I begin, let me just say: I just ate two soft chicken tacos at El Coyote tonight and paid $3.24 for my whole dinner. Heck. Yes.

I've shopped at Hobby Lobby and Lowe's today, and both trips were successful, so obviously I'm feeling pretty froggy tonight. I found the perfect portfolio binder at Hobby Lobby and the accessories for my lamp project at Lowe's. Next step is to order portfolio prints and buy a 1" drill bit... which was the one thing I forgot tonight when I was at Lowe's. My idea is to transform to old bamboo containers into side table lamps for less than the cost of purchasing lamps at, say, Wal Mart. I think the total transformation will cost $30 and about an hours worth of time. If anyone has an old mirror, or even better, a broken one lying around, send it my way. I purchased silver lampshades and would love to cover the bamboo bases with broken mirror pieces. If the whole venture is successful I'll post a pic!

While mom and I were in Nashville for the NCLEX exam, she picked me up an apartment guide... A rather strong hint, huh? ~~Studying its every page~~ flipping through it tonight brought even more peace to deciding to move there. My dream lies in being in New York, at least for a year or two, but I feel that a transition step is needed. If I could work in the Nashville area for a year and enjoy the community there and save money and even fly to New York often for gigs, I would still be more financially stable by the end. And being financially stable is key if I wish to pursue a MFA next fall, or the following fall, which I am. As long as I'm not stagnant... as long as I stay focused and work and play music and perform in modeling and acting gigs between my nursing job, I believe I will be happy.

So now, to find a nursing job in Nashville.

I'm not above pulling resources or begging for recommendations. If anyone has suggestions, I'll welcome them all. One note to consider is that Vanderbilt Hospital does not hire new nursing graduates, but has a highly competitive nurse residency program instead. So that ship has already sailed. I am going to begin by applying to St Thomas and Maury Regional... wish me luck. :)

And for kicks, here's my resume.

Kaitlin Marie Rich

Education
University of Alabama in Huntsville – Huntsville, Alabama
- Bachelors of Science in Nursing, May 2010
Excalibur Christian School – Huntsville, Alabama
- High School Diploma, May 2006

Licensure
Registered Nurse: AL #1-127066

Professional Experience
Family Medicine of Huntsville – Dr. Rebecca Conway, May 2010 – current
Performing duties as Dr. Conway’s personal nurse: assist in case management, interview patients, collect vital signs and blood work for labs, administer injections and medications, submit patient referrals, review and maintain client records.

Precepted on the Surgical/Trauma Intensive Care Unit, 180 Hours, Spring 2010
Gained professional skills in a challenging medical environment that prepared me for a future in practicing advanced patient care.

Clinical Practice on the Cardiac Unit, Oncology Unit, Medical-Surgical Unit, Nursing Home, Home Health Visits, Community Agency Services.
Coordinated with medical professionals to provide comprehensive care to adult clients.

Professional Memberships
Alabama Association of Nursing Students - Breakthrough to Nursing State Director
National Student Nurses’Association, UAH Chapter - Chair of Community Health
Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society

Program Knowledge
Familiarity with Pixis drug dispensary; extensive use and knowledge of Windows and Macintosh operating systems; can create quality documents in Microsoft Word, Excel, and Publisher; understands basic hardware and functionality of computer systems; eager to learn more and can understand comprehensive program training. Typing – 54 WPM

Certification
Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, Red Cross
National Incident Management Systems, ICS 100 and ICS 200, for Federal Emergency
Management Agency

Awards and Honors
Honors Research and Review – studied the effect of recess on ADD/ADHD elementary-aged students; submitted a resolution to the National Student Nurses’ Association and a research paper to UAHuntsville Honors Program.
Dean’s List – Freshman and Sophomore semesters at Calhoun Community College

Employment History
Anthropologie, August 2009 – June 2010: Sales associate
Starbucks, August 2007 – April 2009: Barista
Osborne’s Jewelers, January – October 2007: Junior Sales Associate

Professional References
Please message for references' information.
Dr. Rebecca Conway, physician at Family Medicine of Huntsville and current employer
Kristen Herrin, course manager/instructor for Professional Practice of Nursing at UAH
Vernon “Butch” Davis, advisor/instructor for Professional Practice of Nursing at UAH
Jeremy McCoy, previous employer

Character References
Please message for references' information.
Pamela Bedsole, life-long acquintance and mentor
Penny Ewing, acquaintance, mentor, and currently a nurse at Huntsville Hospital

Community Service
Let’s Pretend Hospital, with UAHuntsville and Hunstville Hospital, 2009 and 2010 (72 hours)
Committee member; assisted with organizing and running an education program for 1st graders about safety, infection control, ambulances, and hospitals.

Lincoln Village Summer Outreach Program 2008 and 2009 (115 hours)
Directed, organized and coordinated a theatre day camp for under-priveledged children to promote confidence, cooperation, and self-expression for those with limited access to private theatre

Fantasy Playhouse ArtSplash summer camps 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 (200 hours)
Organized and performed learning activities with 1st and 2nd grade children

Celebraaaatoryyyyyyy

2010-06-30T18:43:00.003-05:00

Celebratory! Mostly, my life is now celebratory.

Graduation, or should I say the pinning ceremony, for the UAH college of nursing class of 2010 was May 14th and such a wonderful event. It was personal and emotional and so happy. My classmates and I were thrilled and the teachers were relaxed and the family, friends, and supporters were all happy for our accomplishments. My grandparents, godmother, and Aunt Lori and Uncle Boo came up from my hometown of Pell City to visit that day. It was particularly special that my grandparents came, because not only are they some of my biggest fans, they had given me the PACT fund for my college tuition. My grandmother is such an encouragement in my life, and it was her stories of working as an RN that persuaded me on the major two years ago. She also gave me her 1958 nursing pin to use for the pinning, which was the best gift I could have received.

I didn't walk the graduation ceremony the next day, because after having my relatives visit for the pinning it would have been a pointless bore, but that night April, Janna, Heidi and I threw a joint graduation party. It was such a bittersweet evening... We were good friends even before we went through two years of nursing school together. We were together through almost all classes and clinicals, and the weekend and party significantly marked the end to our journey together. April married last spring, Janna married a month before graduation, and Heidi was engaged to be married in August. Watching them move into the next roles and stages of their life was beautiful and sad... I'll miss them very much as we move to other towns and go our own ways. I love you girls! God bless...

The week of graduation I was throwing out ideas for summer jobs. Deciding that beginning in a local hospital would be too much too soon, especially since I knew I'd like this move this fall, I searched for temporary positions and nannying gigs. But I knew who I wanted to work for - my personal physician, Dr C, at a family practice. I asked her about job opportunities a few days before graduation, and Dr C said she'd been needing someone to work full-time this summer, which I knew was a completely God-designed blessing! I've been working for her ever since that week in May. I am so glad I could be trained by and work under someone I highly respect - as a family practice doctor, Dr C on epitomizes the compassion and intelligence you want in a personal physician. Her other nurse, Vicky, is a retired Health Department employee and has enough smarts and wits to keep us floating through the busy days. Recently Vicky has been taking afternoons and days off to enjoy the summer, and I'm loving the responsibility and autonomy of my position.

Biggest blessing I've discovered so far - people like nurses. It's just such a pleasant surprise to find! People are inclined to like nurses, or at least respect them in varying degrees, and turn to them for advice and comfort openly. And for me to realize I actually a body of knowledge to help with and heal with, and that people need it, is a nice feeling. A really, really nice feeling.

As for the NCLEX... Okay let's simply say that I didn't deal well with the stress. The earliest exam appointment I could register for was June 26th, six weeks after any nursing exams or review in school. I reviewed study books casually for about two weeks before the appointment but sad to say I was more content to soak lazily in apathetic fear. I kept telling myself that I knew what I knew and that'd have to be enough, but the fear that what I knew wouldn't cut it or that my test-taking skills were null and void after such a long break consumed me. When I finally arrived to the testing center, dosed up on Zofran so I wouldn't throw-up, I was in a state of despair. The exam took me four hours for 150 questions. Four tortuous hours were I knew nothing and the questions were so big and why oh why don't I remember everything and geez how many questions on hyperthyroidism are they gonna give me oh my gosh that prolly means I've missed them all and dear God here's another and I don't know anything about triaging and prioritizing isn't my thing and I've never even done prioritizing before!!!

Afterwards I was mostly dead. And then Monday I found out I passed.

Whew.

So I'm now an BSN RN.

My twenty-first birthday is this Saturday.

And maybe I can find a job in a hospital this August.

Woot!

Chin up

2010-06-12T11:03:00.000-05:00

With your eyes closed,
Watching a strange show
Play out in your head,
But you were smiling somehow
And your day froze,
And everyone in it
Sat still as a rose,
But we were moving somehow.

Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Maybe we should only
Tip a bottle back to keep us filled up.

Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Everybody knows that,
You’d break your neck to keep your chin up.

Open your eyes,
And the drops come,
And a snail raced down to your neck,
And looked up,
But you were smiling somehow.

Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Maybe we should only
Tip a bottle back to keep us filled up.

Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Everybody knows that
You’d break your neck to keep your chin up.

Anticipation.......anticipation

2010-05-13T22:45:00.000-05:00

I graduate tomorrow.

Translucence

2010-05-03T23:59:00.000-05:00

Although my family has had a home with a backyard pool for some years now, I've yet to become a laying-out type of girl. It's a rare occasion when I slip into a swimsuit to lay in the sun without the summer heat sending me scampering back inside. Also, if I do stay out for any amount of time, it's with heavy SPF sunscreen coated all over. The truth is, I like my paleness. I like being dark-headed with white skin. Sure, not tanning will have it's long-term advantages, but actually, I just like it. The paleness. It's different. I like seeing my veins underneath my skin, tracing blue roads on my body, as converging and diverging vessels. I like seeing the spikes of broken veins in old bruised areas and even the birthmark in stark contrast on my calf. I like the glossy black nail polish vivid on my toes and fingers. I like the pools of darkness under my eyes and the redness of my cheeks and lips. Mostly I like the veins on my wrist...spindly branching up into my palm, glowing blue beneath pale skin, with a faint criss-cross of scars whispering on top.

A pause and review

2010-04-15T22:10:00.000-05:00

As I type, I'm wrapped about the shoulders in an aromatic cotton beanie sack, heated to a perfect warmth, relaxing my muscles of their tangled knots.

Today, dears, I completed every project, paper, and bubble-sheet exam that is required to pass the undergraduate BSN nursing course. Tomorrow, I will present the final presentation, listen to the final lecture, and eat a final lunch with all of my nursing friends.

After tomorrow, I have two standardized HESIs to take, neither of which particularly matter. And on May 14th, I graduate.

In other news, last weekend I was in Birmingham to film with Alex and his crew for the short film. The entire experience was great and I am so glad to have had the opportunity of learning the basics of film acting. On the fly. Because oh my goodness what a different feel it had compared to an onstage performance! There was almost no similarity besides that each calls for acting. But what form of acting, delivery of acting, study of character and translation of character that they each need is from my small experience completely different. If there wasn't a time constraint on my part to delve into the character during a hectic week of school, I might have felt more comfortable sinking into the character on screen. As it is, I did my best, crossed my fingers, and will watch with one eye closed as to what they results will be. In the meantime, I need to take some film acting lessons. Ha.

But back to this graduation thing. It makes my head hurt. My stomach hurt. I'm nauseous. I'm so nervous. What does this mean? Perhaps that my responsibilities are about shift, that my obligations to family expectations will break, that avoiding what I love will end, and that achieving the "correct" thing is about to end. ...Perhaps...that my last tether to my teenage life is about to fray.

Yeah, re-read that. It doesn't make sense? Yet it's true.

It's like I'm about to graduate high school, ya'll.

Asynchrony

2010-04-01T01:04:00.001-05:00

Very little in my life feels coherent at the moment. It all seems quite spastic and tire-spinning - between academics, extracurricular academics, working a couple part-time jobs, personal wanderings, and concrete decisions that are looming in the near future. I'm here and there and far too many places at once. I have one weekend this month where I should literally be three different places doing three very different important things, so chose to do the one that's most precious to me - being a bridesmaid in a dear friend's wedding.

I say it's all incoherent because nothing progresses, nothing is collective, nothing seems to advance towards one goal. It's too hurry-scurry, involving small-time accomplishments. My spirit is quiet though... I reached a peace about many decisions, particularly the decision that I'm not making decisions until I see God's direction in my life. I attended a women's conference called True Woman in Chattanooga last weekend with my mother and a few close friends, and that also helped calm my impetuous spirit. I cannot do anything without God's grace, and He has been pouring it out freely, so I can carry on with my responsibilities with great success. So where all this is leading towards, if leading anything, and where I'll be going next fall, is in the unknown.

I completed precepting on Monday evening/Tuesday morning. CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?! Hallelujah. What a relief that is. Many scholastic goals are still to come but the pressure of working in fifteen 12-hour night shifts in the hospital during a normal week is over. It's the homestretch, folks. I can feel the easy breezy summer a-comin'!

Thank you for the feedback on my graduation dress decision! I decided on the Salmon and buttoned and old-fashioned dress, because although it was the second in votes, it was my favorite when I tried it on. I've found a beautiful pair of shoes to purchase, so I'll soon have the entire outfit!

Here's a blessing that is proving to be a glimmer of my future... Yet again an opportunity has fallen into my lap... Sure, I asked for it in spirit but not in so many words. While at my dearest friend Anne's home concert with Stephen Gordon in Birmingham (which reminds me, he's returning to Huntsville for a show in April! Details to come!) I met Alex, a Samford student. He has written and will be directing a short film as a school project for his minor in film, and after talking throughout the night he offered for me to help by acting in his film. I'm thrilled, because the closest I've come to a film crew was downtown Huntsville watching a commercial being shot, and learning in a comfortable environment about the methods and challenges of film acting is a huge opportunity!

Well.... it's just another beautiful note in the asynchrony of life.

But dude. April will be quite busy.

You're obliged to tolerate

2010-03-15T20:59:00.002-05:00

A dress! A beautiful graduation dress. I need the perfect one.

Or, I would like the perfect one. As I see it, it'll be payback for two years of trudging through the hard work of nursing school in unbecoming blue scrubs and white Reebok shoes. Besides, I have a fashionable reputation to keep up.

Salmon and buttoned and old-fashioned
Green and cream and twirly
Black and white and flouncy
Pink and cream and printed
Blue and cream and swirly

These are the considerations. Now to choose!

Oh and if anyone has some spare cash and is feelin' froggy, I wear a size zero. Thanks in advance. *grin*

M I A

2010-03-02T23:51:00.003-06:00

If you've caught me on the street or in a store or while standing in line at the bank ('cause who has time for the drive-through window anyways) the conversation would have run something like: Nice to see you too...Life is great!...Yeah, I've been busy...I have somewhere to be now actually...Perhaps I'll see you again...after graduation...'k bye.

To say I've ignored my dearest friends, acquaintances, and entire family 98.7% of the time for two months might be an understatement. And I'm so sorry. I chronically over-commit. It's my own problem. My excuse was "this is my final semester, why not" but mid-way through that's not sounding so logical anymore. I am now struggling through a mild case of misery while completing the last semester of nursing school.

Progress report: when I spoke earlier about ending to my over-commitment by declining a committee invitation because of time constraints, the leader convinced me to remain on board to assist with the project and I would be exempted from all board meetings. And you know what? I folded like origami. Progress grade: D-

My family is extremely supportive, as well as most of my friends (it's difficult, 'tho, to see who truly cares and understands, and who, well, doesn't). But they're still scratching their heads as to how nursing school and adjacent projects could "be so hard", so here's the gist what I'm doing.

State Breakthrough to Nursing (BTN) Director for the Alabama Association of Nursing Students, which includes monthly conferences either in Birmingham or via phone; I assist with projects occurring statewide and will host a BTN event for children in Huntsville this April.
Chair of Community Health and on the Legislative board for UAH's chapter of NSNA, which includes monthly meetings at UAH; I've coordinated and completed one community event and am planning another, which will be presenting health maintenance information on two evenings for the local community free clinic; researched, conducted surveys, wrote a legislative document and am completing a research paper on ADD/ADHD symptom management through recess in schools; the legislation will be presented at NSNA national conference in Orlando Fl and the research document presented at the UAH Honors Day in April and published in a scholastic journal, if accepted.
Precepting in the STICU (Surgical Intensive Care Unit) x fourteen PM-AM shifts
Group leader for the Community project involving selecting a local community group, surveying them, creating a 55-slide assessment powerpoint, designing an intervention program, implementing the program, analyzing the project; coordinating agency days and completing appropriate assignments.
Mentoring peers who need assistance in passing the HESI; I develop a study plan based on the topics the students request and then meet for 4- three hour sessions to tutor and review all the content, HESI book, and NCLEX questions; this wasn't voluntary, a group of us were selected by the course manager to mentor, it's punishment.
Assisting with the planning and art production of Let's Pretend Hospital, a week-long event hosted by a local hospital and UAH Nursing Department collaboratively, happening next week.
Attending every single lecture.

The list above does not include exams, papers, certifications, or personal study time.

Or babysitting, modeling, and exercising.

This post took 45 minutes of my valuable sleep time to compose, but I feel much, much better after writing it all out. And accomplished. When I feel terrible about declining events and postponing dates and hiding from friends and hardly ever working my job, this list will kinda justify and kinda vindicate me.

Until May. May 12th. And it'll be all done.

Oh and by the way, my professional resume is beautiful.

ADDENDUM: My mom's response:

That's my Kait....get out of her way!!!!! and when she falls its BIG and its LOUD and then ......very still and quiet for about 10-12 hours!!! snoozing away... so angelic and peaceful.........and then she arises and gets a goin' agin!!

oh dear.....sigh......if u will tell me when you will be home and what time i will fix you a very healthy dinner! does that help? low-cal, non GMO, organic.....

luv, Mom ;-*

Fitness boost

2010-02-09T23:51:00.003-06:00

I haven't wanted to exercise for a week. For the first in a long time, exercising doesn't seem like a stress relief but another stressor in my schedule. Also, I'm bored going by myself - I'd like a gym partner. Anywho. After reviewing the photos Nicholas gave me from the January shoot, I'm thinking I need to get back goin'....yeah.

Here's to renewed dedication.

^_^

Okay, this must stop.

2010-02-04T02:35:00.001-06:00

I am over-committed. Always.

To too much. And, I demand of myself that I give one hundred percent to everything. If it's something I signed up for - no being lackadaisical. And I keep pressing forward under this impression that I can do everything. Which isn't true. I'll let things slip and projects will fall apart and I'll become emotionally unstable.

I really do do everything. And I can perform excellently in many areas of my life without strain. But if there reaches a point where I cannot draw a line, I cannot say no, when it is my method for hiding, then I need to step back and reassess my compulsions.

I don't want this pattern in my life. I am beginning to stop this, starting tonight.

Er. This morning.

School-day dreaming

2010-01-29T10:16:00.001-06:00

A friend, Matt, is playing World of Warcraft in front of me in class. I feel as if my eyeballs will roll out of my head if I have to listen to this lecture another minute... I'm driven to fantasize about becoming a fiery elven creature in his game. The sea green world Matt's playing in looks peaceful and welcoming and very non-medical. Full of freedom and conquest. Ahh.

Ahem. Back to lecture...

Oh wait, nevermind...

I WANT THIS

It's shiny and big and beautiful. It's a glorified iTouch with the capacity to be oh so much more! A crystal clear photo/video viewer, a full size touch-screen keyboard, and great reader capability! Thousands of apps are already available! Sure, in six months to a year there will be one a better one for a cheaper price... but for now I can't contain myself from lust.

Speaking of lusting, I'll now present my graduation gift wish list

Nikon D60 SLR camera with basic kit

Apple iPad

iMac

Black Mini Cooper with tan interior and a sun roof

Visit a place that looks like this

...Or this

TAH DAH!

I'm a natural-born dreamer.

It is funny that sometimes I forget the simplest things about life. Such as, that the southern hemisphere is having it's summer right now. As I shiver through the recent cold snaps that have brought Alabama to it's frozen southern knees, the residents living below that magical line are sun bathing and drinking from coconuts. Except for the Haitians... who have suffered from such a horrible natural disaster... And now I'm off my train of thought.

I should pay attention to lecture now. The director of the County Health Department is speaking on communicable diseases and vaccinations. He's an intelligent, kindly man. I should listen. Oh look! Next up is STDs presentation complete with graphics. Goody.

A night on the town

2010-01-28T14:57:00.000-06:00

I own a fantastic cobalt blue sequin dress that hits a few inches above the knee and has shoulder pads and a deep V-cut back. No lie. Bought it at a vintage shop. And it inspires me. It begs for a downtown night life where people of all sorts are making conversations and glimmery relationships while drifting in and out of different bars that are playing indie-jazz-blues-dance music that can be heard melding together in the park across the way where the folks who've drank their fill can wander and discuss their favorite constellations.

Real Time Report

2010-01-27T21:25:00.003-06:00

Listening to the State of the Union Address tonight is tons of fun - on mute. /ahem. Well, I am actually listening...after all. The body language is fascinating - Obama lifts up his chin and to the side when introduced and addressed directly, clasps his hands and points his fingers rather often while speaking. His delivery is extremely staccato, never finishing a sentence without a pause, yet he rarely stumbles or mistakes a word. I like how he says how he cut taxes for the students, the working moms, the poor. Yep. I'd like it better if he said "cut taxes for every citizen, because they're the ones paying our asses to be here." [SIT DOWN PILOSI! Good grief woman.] Biden looks very engaged and supportive, with just enough of a downturned lip to show stern empathy for the American people's plight. [STOP APPLAUDING, Obama's not saying anything worth hearing but I still want to listen.]

Such empty words. You say all the right things, dear President, and you are a good man. But I can't help but feeling, can't help but seeing, you are well-meaning college-graduate community politician playing with our lives. Do you have the wisdom to improve our country, long term? To cut-back and streamline expenditures? [What's that about a jobs bill? HAHA half the house stayed sitting.] To create a trickle-down method in the economy by giving the working middle class and all business owners the tax breaks to grow, invest, spend and create jobs for those who need them? Do you realize the working middle class is America's strongest hope, and your taxes will kill it? [That's right, you'll do to health care what you want, when you want, right?]

Lobbyists want to kill the health care bill? Really? How about half the American population? Because these citizens have experienced the money-draining government programs, and seen how they spiral into debt and into barely-sustained chaos, so they can't fathom what the government could screw-up with this monstrous bill. [Disagree with WHAT SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE? THAT EVOLUTION IS IMPOSSIBLE? Oh wait. Climate change. Never mind.]

Mr President. Please rethink your logic. If you want to save this country, you're doing it all wrong. [You reward success? Really? YOU DON'T GIVE TAX BREAKS TO THE WORKING MIDDLE CLASS! They earned their degree, their earned their job, and they're working. What's not to reward?] [Since when did a high school degree guarantee a good job? The 1950's?] [After 20 years, a student loan debt is dropped? How do you plan to fund that? Obama pixie dust?? Education is not a right. It is a privilege, Mr President.]

[Aww, Michelle. You're nice. And smart. I think you're a little micromanaging, 'tho...did you really just motion everyone in the house to sit? Haha.]

And I'd like to mention that there is free health care in America. It's called the Emergency Room. You can be seen, treated, and discharged. Yes, it is racking up our debt. But your health care bill will rack it up so much more. [All before you walked in the door? Classy. Very classy stab at a former president. Low form, Obama.] [Freeze government spending? Sounds good. Show me.] [Let's NOT try common sense. Let's try wisdom. Okay?]

When there is a bill as intrusive and pan-american as this, the control and and legalities the government will place on us will come too. It's inevitable. Freedom's will be lost. Are you overweight? Do you smoke? Do you get speeding tickets? Do you have a hazardous job? A genetic disorder? A genetic predisposition? Do you recreationally drink? Do you think the government won't be biased against you? After all, they will control your healthcare. And you are a health liability. Being fat, a smoker, and have a mother with breast cancer will buy you a ticket to health care discrimination. Do you read reports and articles from the other countries with government healthcare models? This is what they show. These are the stories. This is their reality. Do we want this as ours?

As a woman going into the health care profession, I encourage and support all preventative health care. Lower BMIs, drug rehabilitation, smoking cessation, driving slower, exercising, and eating well. However, I will not support a government that enforces them. It is unconstitutional. I also demand the freedom to conduct alternative cures and procedures, such as voluntary drug trials and midwifery. Will the government interfere in these choices under the health care bill? Of course. We will have given them permission.

[Obama, you're saying a lot of nothing again. Try to speak on something worth while, please. Just fluffy words right now.] [All our troops are coming home? Wonderful. How? More importantly, when?] [Biden, stop smiling. You scare me.] [Why do I feel like I'm getting spanked? I disapprove of your condescension.] [Yes, I worry for the next generation. For their freedoms. And my freedom to raise my children as I see fit.] [Stop telling us what lives on in us, we know.] Why do you keep saying "Washington" and blaming it for this past years failures? Your party's been in control. What's the hold-up? He keeps indicating he feels our pain. Does he really? Does he understand what is happening in our country?

Start anew? You mean, like, change. You said that already. For about 2 years. So. No new message tonight. Next year, perhaps. Here 'goes.

A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take everything you have.
-Gerald Ford, 38th President

Thanks for your questions but-

2010-01-21T00:35:00.000-06:00

There are, at times,

no explanations and no reason.

We're asked to accept and embrace

the unknown with faith.

But mine doesn't look the same as yours.

Life, that is.

My calling isn't yours and nope, it won't even resemble it.

You've hurt me, I've hurt you, but there's

not much to redeem when you're already redeemed in mercy.

Don't plan on me or cast your bet.

'Cause I don't know what "future" is.

I'm clinging to the ever-precious now.

A little place of home.

2010-01-19T01:07:00.002-06:00

My bedroom is my hideaway, my safe spot, my creative domain.

I like it when it's neat and tidy. Takes effort. /whew

Nesting tendencies have limited direction until I have my own place.

For now, here's my home...

Some of the decorative elements are now a tad too jungle for my taste, but the antique

metal bed frame and folding tea table are keepers.

Framed print of Lady in the Meadow by Kinuko Y. Craft.

My area for drawing, sewing, scrap booking, art booking, crafting, make-up storage.

It's so very nice when the afternoon sun beams in the window .

The beautiful nature prints are Tyler's...they brighten up my day.

The bookcase is filled with literature, novels, poetry, how-to's, cook books, and Christian literature.

All, of which, I've read.

The chest of drawers and dresser (other photo) are my dad's furniture from his childhood.

So of course they're antiques. Tee hee. (Okay, seriously, they are.)

The frame on the left holds my name and my brothers' written in lovely Japanese calligraphy.

The golden stars are ornaments from Anthropologie.

I purchased the vintage avocado-colored couch at friend's yard sale for $15.

I was given the almost-avocado-matching vintage bench, which when covered in homework,

is nicely camouflaged to blend in.

The photographs are of my family. The print is The Annunciation Triptych by Robert Campin.

The desk is generally strewn with notecards, stamps, text books, and half-burned candles.

(I can never bring myself to finish off candles...I love the smells too much.)

Under the pile of coffee table books is an ivory elephant statue from Vietnam,

given to me by the gammy.

(Gloria gave me the large green coffee table book of Welsh poetry and art for my birthday. I adore it.)

On the chair is the softest, fluffiest, most wonderful source of warmth ever.

The CD tower with drawers is bursting at the seams...with yet another candle on top.

The two ivory elephants are miniatures of the large one...li'l jungle-love youngins, I suppose.

The chest holds seasonal clothes, and anything that I can't stuff in my walk-in closet.

(Oh my. There won't be any documenting of that travesty of a space.)

I have four collections of colored pencils, many drawing pencils, so many Crayola crayons....

And the ruler Anne gave me, listing the great Women of Literature. So inspiring.

The ceramic lamp was a hand-me-down from grandmamma that I painted black...

(Originally blue and white with gold splatters. Not so pretty.)

The unfinished-crafts basket. Never empty.

*zmmmmm* *zmmmmm* /pause. *snip* *rip* /pause. *zmmmmm*

Bible, manga, The Prophet, Radical Reformission

((And hearts))

Preparing for the long night

2010-01-17T14:51:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, my optimism is swallowed. Swept over and consumed by a fear of the unknown and fear of a failure. Certain inevitabilities, like rain and running out of gas and peanut-butter on my knuckles when I make sandwiches, become silly issues. Not much of anything can drag me out, logic least of all. It is usually preceded by a manic energy for a day or two, so by the time a depression sweeps in I have nothing left to fight it.

Sometimes, I know exactly what would help, and wish so badly someone could fix me, and sometimes I don't. But if I had to tell someone what could fix me, it wouldn't work as well. There was someone in my life who knew innately what to do. Unfortunately, my mother has never known. She is kind, yet frustrated, if she listens to my stuttered explanations. She has never been one to hug or hold me when I was upset, and that's something I desperately need, in just the right way. But my pre-semester breakdown is almost over, and I'm pulling out of it.

At this moment, I need to nap before my first preceptor shift tonight. I'm nervous and terrified and somewhat resigned to the fates. I know tonight is a testing night for both my nurse and myself. I need to witness the flow of the STICU, the patients that are there, the schedule for the night, and the expectations I'm performing under. The nurse needs to see my earnestness, my dedication to learning, and my eagerness to experience everything possible. I know she won't throw me to the wolves, yet I can't help but wince at the thought me not performing something she expects me to already know. //deep breaths. My breakdown didn't have great timing...but when does it ever. I'll pray hard. And rest up. And do my best tonight.

On the arrow

2010-01-13T23:20:00.001-06:00

Nicholas Franklin, photographer.

The above are from my first shoot of the year. Beginning 2010 with a fitness theme was appropriate, no? I simply love to create... Although I will perform above and beyond to produce what the photographer desires, the products of a shoot aren't nearly as important as the process behind them. This particular shoot began at 10pm in a dojo that Nicholas' roommate manages (connections: never-underestimate). The ceiling was low, the colors were ugly, the mats needed a deep cleaning, and the whole thing reeked of sweat. But it was what we needed. Nicholas had limitations in lighting and wide angles, and I had never performed this physically for a shoot before, so we trial-and-errored our way through a few obstacles. The results were more than satisfactory.

Perhaps modeling is the most unusual dream job hobby I have. And it's helped along considerably due to the excellent photographers I'm privileged to know: Nicholas Franklin, Marc Turnley, Tyler Pierce, Jonathan McKnight, Joe Davis - and the boy who discovered me - John Crabtree. I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to learn and practice with such talented, patient artists. Thank you, guys.

I'm excited to announce that Rocket Magazine has been printed and distributed in the North Alabama area! Do pick up a copy and peruse (I'm in there!) It was my first professional gig, and an all-around terrific experience. Glenn Mitchell, as the magazine's artistic director and owner of (shine)Salon in Decatur, coordinated the shoot that was featured in this month's edition. Photographer, Jennifer Culp.

As for the holidays, that so speedily whizzed past in a flurry of parties, coffee dates, sleeping, working, and gift wrapping, they were wonderful. Spending extra quality with my family and friends revived my entire attitude on life. They are all supportive, and kind, and funny and loving, and I pray I won't grow as distant to them this upcoming semester as I did in the fall. Nope, I won't let that happen.

My Christmas party....

Tyler Pierce, photographer (all above)

2009 took me down many new paths, from which I have grown so much. There were moments, dashes in my line, asterisks in my notes.... there was my first heartbreak... my first C in a class... I've failed... I've succeeded... I led and directed... I traveled.... I had adventures.... I moved away... I pulled nearer... I was foolish... I was helpful... I gained awards... I lost a friend... and my granny and my uncle passed on from illnesses. And there was, at some point, a complete shedding of my teenage years. Which came in part with accepting that my age and maturity level were merging; I'm almost as old as I have acted for years. Today, I am about halfway through 20, and my attitude is one of gratitude for the gifts of time and experience. I'm progressing towards graduation in May with a BSN. I'm thrilled to be here.

Prayer: I won't rush the process or stress over the piles of work, but accept the days and assignments one by one.

Dear 2010: Resolutions are useful tools...as long as you actually use them. I've resolved to make several small changes that will move me towards being increasingly productive with the time and materials given to me. How this will actually look in my life have yet to be seen, but I'm turning to my friends for accountability. Two life goals: I desire to live with a grateful, content spirit that shuns stagnation and apathy. And that I root myself further in God's joy and peace.

Jennfunique!

2009-12-21T23:42:00.002-06:00

I was delighted when friend and artist Jennifer Birge asked me to model for her Etsy account! Jennifer creates a wide variety of beautiful hand-crafted headbands and accessories (and her craft room is simply too adorable, and meticulously organized!) We had an enjoyable afternoon shooting these in front of her newspapered wall. ^_^

Rehview, rehview! Reco'mends for you!

2009-12-15T02:00:00.001-06:00

I'm a natural sucker for packaging just like the next girl, and have learned a few significant lessons in the pursuit of fashion and beauty. And well, it is too expensive to purchase items you end up not liking, we know this already! t's good to find the products you appreciate using, again and again, and suggest to others. Here's a few items I've enjoyed using over the past year. If you have any comments or suggestions in return, please respond. ^_^

Smashbox Sheer Focus tinted moisturizer...absorbs and covers well! No fuss, and it's my excuse for never wearing foundation. The SPF 15 is a plus, since I have decided to embrace my paleness. I've also tried Cover Girl Smoothers and Benefit You Rebel Lite. Cover Girl was creamier and coverage lasted only about 5 hours, where as Benefit held well but with sheerer coverage altogether.

Mascara must be one of the sketchiest of cosmetics. There's an overwhelming variety of brands claiming many benefits, and the price range runs $4.50-28.00. I've experimented with many, both high and low end, and always returned to Maybelline's Great Lash, the standby classic for many years (my mom's wore it since the 80s!). However, when Ulta gave me a free Stila Major Lash with a purchase, I was converted. Stila's claim of no flaking and softness is legitimate, it thickens nicely, wearability is great, and I enjoy the smoothness of the product. Maybelline will stay in my drawer, but Stila has its special spot now.

Biore Deep Cleansing Pore Strips...yes, we're going there. Instant gratification. Recommended for guys as well, since their beauty regime should just rely on keeping their skin clear. After two weeks of regular use, pores close up and skin remains much clearer. The Ultra Deep Cleansing ones do work significantly better than the basic.

I'm a jean snob cultivated from a young age. When I was little, I always desired the "cool" jeans, and Goody's Levi's just wouldn't do. I wore my L.E.I bell bottoms from J.C. Penny to shreds. This snobbery was unfortunately exacerbated by my awkward 11-year-old growth spurt to an indecisive 5'8" (neither "average" nor "tall") and being modest which limits cheaper options (higher rise and still stylish? Nearly impossible.). Consistent truths: American Eagle and Hollister jeans have never and will never fit my body, and that the cheaper the jean the quicker stretch is lost. Gap was my rescue, but I found the styling could be somewhat off and sizing a hit-or-miss (0, 2, 4, long, or average, always a guess). After being hired at Anthropologie this August, I took the plunge to purchase a designer pair. J Brand, curvy skinny cut, 27 - perfect. The cut was ideal for my body, the deep wash has stayed true through numerous cold washes, and the jean stretch stays marvelously well. I pair them with everything. I could see them lasting forever, there are no signs of wear so far. I highly recommend the investment.

Perhaps these suggestions help in a way. I would enjoy hearing your reviews as well!

What children will teach, what adults will learn

2009-12-10T00:12:00.000-06:00

Last week while nannying the one and-a-half year old 'buster brown', I noticed the clean light on the dishwasher and began to put the dishes away. The little one had just woken from his nap, and was lightly padding about the kitchen clutching his stuffed lamb. I talked to him as I usually do, explaining the nonsense of grown-up worlds while putting away all the glassware, and he listened in silence, watching me with moon-pie eyes. I grabbed a hand-full of utensils from the basket and turned to place them in the drawer. Hearing a slight shuffle directly behind me, I looked down to see him grasping a fork in his free hand, presenting it up to me. "Why, buster brown, thank you for your help!" I exclaimed, while placing the fork in the drawer. "That's very kind, the fork goes exactly there!" His face broke into a beaming grin, and he toddled across the kitchen to the dishwasher, grasped another fork, and toddled it back over to me. I took it from him, exclaimed my thanks, and he beamed at me all over again. This process repeated until the entire utensil basket was emptied. His attention was unflagging, and each time I sung the praise for his helpfulness, his grin grew wider.

I waited patiently during the long process, being delivered each utensil one by one, but it didn't matter the length of time I stood there. I would have waited twice as long. Seeing the precious earnestness of his desire to help and how he initiated his part to help was wonderful, and the positive reinforcement received from being thanked, over and over, for his voluntary efforts, was worth far more than saving ten minutes. It was worth giving everything to, because little buster brown is designing a pattern of thought right now, everyday, in response to the adults around him. It is worth everything to see that pattern be good and pure and kind.

The fall semester of nursing school ended on a very high note! The week of finals was admittedly very difficult, however, I was determined to spend every moment I could in the library, where I could truly focus, and memorize the key exam materials. The standardized examinations, called HESI, were Thursday and Friday for pediatrics and medical-surgical II, respectively. The spring 2010 precepting positions are granted according to HESI test scores and a random number lottery. I.e., if you've drawn number 1 out of 145 students, and score a 1000+ HESI, you will receive first dibs on any precepting position, anywhere, anytime. The HESI scoring system is bizarre and unexplainable. Two students can easily miss 15 questions, mostly the same, yet receive scores of at least a 100 points difference. And the questions themselves are hard. I missed 11 and scored a 987, and drew number 22 in the lottery. I'm praying this means I'll land my ideal preceptorship: Emergency room, at the larger hospital, pm-am shift.

At the end of the semester reviews, I went in to talk with my clinical advisor, Ms B, who was the course manager of Fundamentals, teaches clinical pediatrics, and will be the course manager of Community Health in the spring. She's a delightful older woman who is smart, kind, and to the point, and I have appreciated having her as my instructor throughout the program. To give me my course performance evaluation, which always sounds so daunting...I sat in her office while she scrambled papers and we talked about the past semesters high-points. She handed me my eval which I was supposed to read and sign, however I am still horrible at interpreting handwriting and it had to be read to me, like a baby. But after listening to her words, which turned out to be the highest praise, I could feel myself becoming very, extremely, emotional. It ended with her looking at me, saying "You have something special in you, and you will go very far in all your career endeavors."

Sometimes I just don't know what I am, who I am, where I am, and worst of all, what I am supposed to be. Isn't there supposed to be some answers around here when you're older? I can feel so fractured. Of course I did wonderful this semester, I always do. I promise I am not being fake...I just don't ever fail. You want a performance? I can perform. I can give what is desired. But what do I desire? ....I want to tell a story, feel emotions, have compassion, give like a sun, be wild like waves, hide like dark, whole and together. Just don't splinter me, don't ask me to be only one, or demand I settle down, stay off my convictions. I desire to be mature, I am responsible, but I'm very ready to leave this part behind, to turn the page. I am ready for my initiation. God's growing me right here today, in the way He desires me...but I think He's placed a doorway in my future...and I pray I get to turn the handle.

Without Condition

2009-11-29T11:56:00.001-06:00

You find this situation just a bit uncomfortable;
You'd rather stay far away from reality.
For you to understand would be clearly impossible;
So you shut your eyes and swear you can see.
Claiming there is a God, but does that mean anything?
So condescending to those that you don't understand;
Just too easy to make them your enemies.
Like an ostrich, you bury your head in the sand,
And then shout about all the things you believe.
But if there is a God, don't you think He can see
What you really mean? What you're doing?

You can't find the answers till you learn to question;
You won't appear stupid, just ask for direction.
You're insecure and it clouds your perception
So stop and listen
And learn a lesson in love without condition.

So place all the souls that you know in their own little box;
Quite convenient to handle them that way;
You're the only one you know who carries a cross
You don't care what they care about anyway.
And You talk to your God, prayin' for those who sin,
For their eyes to be opened.

-Ginny Owens

When life gets inexplicable

2009-11-21T23:33:00.001-06:00

Inexplicate it.

Step back and shake off your thoughts.
Re-evaluate from your paradigm.
Disregard other's opinions or pre-conceived judgements
until you seek advice from someone trusted.
Otherwise, shed all that fretting.
Move. Relax.
See where the river takes you.

I'll paint you a picture that breaks the rule of thirds

2009-11-16T23:08:00.003-06:00

I feel like bursting from the seams. God is orchestrating the most inexplicable design in my life, and whenever I catch glimpses of what could be I just want to burst from joy! Life is difficult and sorrowful and a challenge everyday, however God always provides the strength and stamina when you ask! After hardships and bouts of discouragement this semester, there's a revitalization in the coincidences that have dominoed into place.

Okay, here's the shimmy: In summer 2008 my friend Michelle Brightwell asked if I'd like to take some photos on Monte Sano. Then in November of that year, my friend Tyler Pierce asked if I'd like to walk downtown and take some photos. Then Tyler asked me to come to the North Alabama Photographer's Guild (NAPG) in February for a lighting session, where I met several extremely talented photographers, including Nicholas Franklin. Then throughout the spring different opportunities arrived for me to shoot with different people and a variety of photo concepts, including photographer John Crabtree and stylist Laurie Brandon. Then I recently met Atlanta photographer Marc Turnley when he invited me to another NAPG photoshoot after watching my Flickr photostream expand with Nicholas' photos. Then last week while Tyler was shooting around downtown a photographer named Roland from Captured Moments photography approached him about collaborating, and when Roland saw Tyler's portfolio he pointed me out, saying he wanted to meet me and even that, perhaps, he'd met me before. Well, he had. Roland and I met during the Huntsville casting call for America's Next Top Model, where Roland commented on my portfolio and said he wanted to shoot with me, which never happened. So Tyler emailed Roland's information to me and I set-up an appointment to meet Diana Henry, Roland's photography partner and now Vice President of Smith and Yorgure. Diana is currently searching for new, unsigned talent to front Smith and Yorgure's national fashion launch in the spring, and will be referring me to the designer's for their approval.

Please note, I have not lifted one single tiny pinky finger for any of this to happen. Everything has been in God's hands. It's all been word of mouth. It's all been random, it's all been surprising. And whatever God is sending my way is bound to leave me scratching my head in wonderment. How can I claim any glory from the way my life trails out and upwards? And this is merely the modelling - do not get me started on theatre, acting, and voice performance. That's another collection of coincidental stories for another potential post!

Down to earth again. Sigh. Academically....things are terrible. Grades are poor, and certainly not reflecting the effort I'm extending into studying! It's incredibly discouraging. Maybe there's a lesson in there, somewhere, I dunno. However, I'm burying myself in HESI and NCLEX review books from now until December 5th. I apologize in advance for the extended absence.

What I've reflected on many time this past week is how I desire to be an Esther. Since I was young, when mom purchased me a beautiful illustrated book of Esther's story, she was my role model. Esther was a jewish teenager, exiled, orphaned, and living with a caring uncle in one of the largest cities of the gentile nations. Her reputation of beauty and purity was known, such that the king's officials rounded her up during a nationwide quest for the perfect woman. What were her thoughts? Was she pleased, flattered? Did she resist? Was she bored and anything sounded exciting at that point? Actually, there's every indication that she was respectful, intelligent and kind. She agreed to attend, changed her name like her uncle Mordecai suggested, asked for advice from servants, grew in favor to the harem chamber's manager, and entertained a king enough to become his queen with "more approval and favor than any other of the virgins." Actually, she also "won approval in the sight of everyone who saw her." What an incredible reputation! She enraptured the king that ruled the 127 provinces in the India, and was clever, bold and obedient enough to dissuade his decision to commit a mass murder of the jewish inhabitants. The story is powerful to me.

Considering Esther's story, I think over the implications of such an incredible life... Yet what would we have assumed if we were watching this unfold from the outside? What if our next door neighbor was recruited in a beauty contest to spend a year of spa preparations for being with the king? And think of the criteria of virginity - she was living in a culture that celebrated sexual acts as part of their worship to many gods, a country where the king himself demanded that his first queen "show off her beauty" for his guests and then divorced her when she refused. What did her neighbors, her girlfriends, her relatives think when she left for the palace? Esther was indeed an unusual woman in an unusual position, yet this is where God's path led her. She was exactly where she needed to be, wielding exactly what influence required, to change the mind of a temperamental ruler of nations. Her act of faith and self-sacrifice was performed after much prayer and with complete reliance on God, declaring "If I die, I die." How amazing. Esther rose to the pinnacle of favor in the eyes of men as the queen, she had everything she ever desired, yet she stood in her royal robes and gilded chamber after listening to Mordecai's plea and surrendered it all to follow God's calling and save her people. This story has been spilling over into my thoughts so much, and I just pray I can one day have the faith that Esther exhibited.

My uncle Greg passed away last Tuesday without recovering from his coma. My aunt Kathy is distraught, and clings to the small comfort that there was no indication of suffering during his illness and coma. In addition to this blow, she must put two of her horses down because of an infection and a disability. These life changing events have left her alone, mourning, directionless, and deeply in debt. Please pray for Kathy as she is in this place of sorrow, and for the wisdom for my family to help her. We are saddened, but have hope that towards the end of Greg's life he was receptive to God and his word.

Sunday night Journey Group #WHJG is such a blessing. It is an incredible way to end a week/begin a new one, surrounded by a variety of interesting people and enjoying good conversations about Jesus. The environment is open and encouraging...to have a genuine church community surrounding you is amazing.

And...um...I hate to break the fourth wall, you know, but...I've been receiving much encouragement from friends and anonymous readers of my blog, so thank you! I sincerely appreciate all your comments! And scene. ^_^

//Let me talk to you! ((snapshot)) I love beauty and awkwardness and anything I can discover and I rarely dislike anything and dull things sparkle but are as hard as diamonds and there's always a back story and yet another level.//

[Post title from Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip '1000 Words'

A handful of quotables

2009-11-10T22:03:00.007-06:00

Advice and not-so-much-advice from the past week:

"Focus! Focus! It's like you're running around without a - oh crap I forgot to do something!"

"Dreamt about you last night. You had a bad infection in your finger!"

"God is so dynamic and I never know what's going on."

"I love you, baby doll. Anytime for lunch this week?"...my dad... and of course, yes!

"Robbie and I are voyeurs - looking @ ur absofuckinglutely great photos on FB. We've agreed that u have a million looks and they are all spot on. Future ANTM?"...text from my theatre hero, Joy Poff

"Stop playing with little boys, Kait, you're gonna get hurt."...advice from a boy, oddly enough...

"I'm not like the rest."

"Are you going to be a stripper?"| "...Wasn't...planning on it...?" | "You should, you'd make a fortune!"

"We could skip the bank part."

"I want to support you in your craziest dreams Kait, and it's not a matter of success or failure, it's a matter of what you love to do. And doing it. And acting is a great dream." ...My momma told me that.

:: And can I just say NATALIE PORTMAN in V Mag! She is my idol for so many reasons.

When I grow up, I want to be just like her. ::

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

2009-11-04T10:59:00.006-06:00

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Perhaps I shouldn't establish such unrealistic goals...even when it comes to blogging. It is far more profitable to set reasonable goals and achieve them, and makes one feel far more accomplished. I enjoy feeling accomplished. I'm sure you do too.

The recent months have held joy, trials, failings, accomplishments, and stress like no other semester (which reminds me, I'll be thrilled when I stop gauging life in academic semesters. It's hard to see life as a continuous journey when I block it off into segments of scholastic rat races.) I've approached this blog as a therapy and a personal art, yet still when I experience difficulties in life I retreat into myself. I find the more complexities that arrive the more difficult it becomes to be honest. I would rather smile, laugh, socialize, and be mute about the realities of my thoughts. *deep breath* But here they come tumbling out...

My dear great-grandmother, Sarah Katherine Lucas Shifflett, passed away at age 99 in October. Her passing was peaceful, after attending rehabilitation and receiving comfort measures in the Cook Springs nursing home. Granny, called Katie by those who loved her, lived a quiet life in the country outside Birmingham, observing a century of change progressing around her. She rode a horse and buggy to town, saw her first plane when she was 12 years old, attended a college for young women in the 1930s, married a pharmacist who was 10 years her senior, had two sons and a daughter, was a master of checkers, an avid admirer of cars, and loved all of us grandchildren and great-grandchildren with genuine affection. I will cherish all my memories of running around her home, eating her biscuits, catching green lizards to show to her, drawing on the concrete with clay rocks, and sitting on the worn-down stool at her feet. She will be very missed from my life, and the lives of her family, friends and neighbors. Granny was honored by the attendance of many relatives and acquaintances to her funeral, including my other great-grandmother, Granny Verdie.

I also am mourning the passing of a wonderful mentor, Carol Morris. Mrs Carol was a kind, elderly woman who volunteered her time, patience, and incredible artistic ability to the theatrical community at Fantasy Playhouse. She was seamstress like none other, and fostered my love for sewing and design that was established by my grandmother. Her costume designs won many, many local awards and there are very few costumes on the Fantasy stage that she didn't oversee. Her calm presence was implacable by design difficulties or frustrated emotions. She was very loved by her husband, family, and friends, and she will be missed. And like my friend Jo said, she is sure to be redesigning the angels' robes in heaven.

Sunday, I heard from my aunt Kathy concerning my uncle Greg. Kathy is a large animal veterinarian in Carrolton, Georgia, and Greg is a genius handyman who maintains their farm and several horses. They have been married for about 30 years. Because of Kathy's high risk profession, they have been unable to afford health insurance and have had minimal medical care for the past 30 years. Greg had been fallen unconscious in the barn a few weeks previously, and he couldn't recall what had happened. It was assumed that he was kicked by a horse, but to avoid unnecessary bills they didn't seek medical care. Then last Saturday Kathy witnessed Greg have a seizure. The nearest hospital referred them to a larger facility for adequate care, and Kathy took him to a hospital south of Atlanta. After a few diagnostic tests, they located 2 blood clots in Greg's brain, one old and one new. The surgeon recommended immediate removal, and Greg was rushed in for an emergency operation. The surgery was considered successful and they told Kathy that everything went smoothly and full recovery is expected. However, my uncle Greg hasn't woke up since. He is in a coma, breathing independently, with full oxygen perfusion, but limited brain activity detected on the EEG scan. Please pray for him, and for my aunt. This is a very unexpected blow.

In addition to the basic academics in nursing school this fall, I am functioning as the Community Health Chair in the local AANS chapter at UAH, and as the Breakthrough to Nursing Director at the state level of AANS, in association with NSNA. There have been many learning opportunities, leadership opportunities, and challenges in these positions, but I've enjoyed being involved. The dedication and passion so many of the nursing students have for their profession is incredible. It is inspiring to see the dedication they direct towards the ideals and politics in nursing, always desiring for better care their future patients. Exhibiting leadership in a position such as nursing is vital for the protection of the patients and improving medical outcomes and procedures. With that, the nurse can enjoy a profession that's profitable and fulfilling. Kudos to all the members serving by my side on these boards, we will certainly make a difference.

...And this is the part where I talk about shattering into little broken pieces. God has worked on my heart in a way I didn't see coming. I made mistakes and He proved to me I was wrong. I grasped for companionship where I shouldn't, I buried my true feelings, I ran away from real problems, I was passionate and complacent and all at the wrong times. Being swept up into a vaccuum of indecision when all I needed was God's home of contentment. I am unique and confused, and the only place I belong is in God's hands. He has my heart and although I can fall and I can conquer, I pray nothing will happen outside His will.

Relationships must happen inside His will, as well. I am looking, not for an analysis of how complex they can become and how I'm supposed to weave them, but to sift through to the simplicity of their truth. Relationships are of God and God created us for relationships. The details and variables must be guided by wisdom and thoughtfulness. Constructing a view on dating as a composite of upright examples, advice, recommendations, and mostly personal convictions. I've come full circle. I understand courtship, arranged marriages, old dating models, cultural ideals of dating, and modern dating. I have many reflections on the topics....but more to come. In the meantime, I highly recommend Robin Phillip's writings to anyone seeking alternatives to the legalism of courtship and the liberalism of dating. Phillips won't give you answers, but many important considerations.

What is so infuriatingly beautiful about love? That it is. Neither good nor bad. It is part of the raw material with which we build our lives, bind together, pivot our decisions, perform, and react. But it's so beautiful and painful sometimes.

I'm alone and it is a very good thing. I am not seeking a relationship, but enjoying my friendships. Like a friend Matt and I have determined, we are "friending" everyone and enjoying people's company without an agenda, and it is a healthy place to be. God has given me so much peace in my singleness along with a serious "be still and know" command. He has also revealed to me that I cannot control people's reactions to me, only my own. I must act upright and genuine, above reproach. I have failed terribly at guarding other's hearts, but I have asked forgiveness and for guidance to improve. Now it's upwards and onwards.

A Tuesday Adventure

2009-10-25T00:51:00.001-05:00

Ready, Able, originally uploaded by kait.rich.

A real, genuine blog post due tomorrow afternoon. Have a lovely Sunday!

Envision

2009-09-26T15:54:00.004-05:00

We closed our eyes to play the game...

The box was sitting atop a simple, round wooden table situated to the right of the room. Sunbeams were falling in at an angle from an afternoon sun and gleamed iridescently off the box. The box itself was a glass six-sided cube, clear and without a lid, pattern or flaw. It was about a foot wide and tall, almost perfect for toting in your arms.

Next there was a horse. It filled the majority of the space, which was forming into a grassy nook with a feeling of stillness. The horse seemed to be floating, but perhaps not because it also seemed very grounded. It was a palomino, with varying markings over its hide, a long and dark mane and tail, a white face, pink nose and glistening blue eyes. It was larger than the average palomino, muscular, and with an arabian face and structure. The sunbeams fell across it, too, and flickered on its hide to increase the impression of movement.

Flowers were the next addition. All over the grassy nook wildflowers suddenly blossomed, of different styles and differing heights, and in the varieties that I love. The buds were colored purple, yellow, and red. There wasn't a definite end in sight, and the line of flowers simply faded out behind the figure of the horse and table with the box.

A storm began to form. Wind was rustling over everything in the vision, swirling the flowers and the horse's mane. The box stood in its place resting atop the table, vulnerable, as the clouds scattered thickly overhead and the wind increased. The sunbeams were still angling down, and the box was shimmering under the crash and whip of the elements. Rain didn't begin and lightning never started, the wind and mood was enough to know.

Let's dare to psychoanalyze....

The box is, in essence, yourself. The horse, your future spouse. The flowers are your relationships. The storm is the way difficulties manifest themselves in your life.

Listen to a joyous story!

2009-09-16T01:57:00.004-05:00

Men of Israel, listen to these words: This Jesus of Nazarene was a man pointed out to you by God with miracles, wonders, and signs that God did among you through Him, just as you yourselves know. Though He was delivered up according to God's determined plan and foreknowledge, you used lawless people to nail Him to a cross and kill him. God raised Him up, ending the pains of death, because it was not possible for Him to be held by it.

For David says of him:

"I saw the Lord ever before me;

because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart was glad,

and my tongue rejoiced.

Moreover my flesh will rest in hope,

because You will not leave my soul in Hades,

or allow Your Holy One to see decay.

You have revealed the paths of life to me;

You will fill me with gladness in your presence."

Acts 2:22-28

Huck PAC

2009-09-10T16:55:00.002-05:00

Because I'm too swamped in nursing school to reinvent the wheel, here's my sentiments as stated by Huckabee's group:

President Obama tried a reboot last night.… He attempted to apply CPR to the flat-lining health care reform bill with a dramatic speech to both houses of Congress. He tried to bring back his campaign-era bipartisan tone, saying he wanted to incorporate ideas from all sides.

His new buzzwords were “market exchange,” “competition” “rugged individualism” and “tax credits.” He hammered on things, like requiring insurers to cover preventative care, or doing away with pre-existing condition limits. He even called for letting states do pilot projects to reduce frivolous malpractice lawsuits. He does however want to mandate that everyone carry health insurance, but he promised that 95 percent of small businesses would be exempt. And he swore that the public option wouldn’t require anyone to give up their current plan…although notice that isn’t a promise that your plan will still exist after the bill takes effect.

His promise that this plan will actually reduce the deficit was harder to swallow than a horse pill. Does anyone except for the Obama White House and Nancy Pelosi really believe that a new government health care program will be so efficient that it can be paid for just with all the waste and fraud we can wring out of another government health care program, Medicare?

Still, the President has a bigger problem than that. I’ll tell you what it is.

President Obama’s biggest problem is that last night, he made many clearly-stated promises that sound great – health care for all, lower costs, free colonoscopies – but that’s not what Congress is about to vote on. He talked as if the process is just starting, but there’s already a bill before Congress, and it’s a murky, 1,018-page monstrosity, and nobody can explain for certain what it says.

So here is my suggestion, if the President really wants to create a bipartisan, market-based health reform bill, the best way to start is not with a rebooted speech, but by booting the current bill and starting over from scratch.

Accountability, yo

2009-09-08T23:39:00.004-05:00

One week altered vegan

Just say YES!

Peanut butter, raisins, whole wheat bread, soy milk, apples, bananas, yams, avocado, tomato, celery, carrots, broccoli, beans, rice, mushrooms, vinagarettes, green and black teas, honey, olive oil, 70% dark cocoa chocolate, home-cooked foods, eggs, tuna and salmon fish, rare greek yogurt and frozen yogurt (otherwise no survival!)

Just say NO!

White potatoes, white breads, corn, too much sugar, too much caffeine, salad dressings, cheese, milk, ice cream, processed foods, candy, chocolate, all sodas, all Red Bulls

A change in dietary habits is essential for a healthy life, and I want to take another step towards that. This isn't an earth-shaking revelation, it's just time to act.

Let's do this short-term-goal thing

2009-08-19T17:27:00.009-05:00

To remain focused on the present, I need tangible objectives. (I figured this out on my own, of course....) So let's tackle and conquer to two things I loathe the most: waking up early and running for exercise.

And let's confront first my rationale for all the hate.

I dislike waking up early because my body dislikes it. My internal clock runs on a noon-til-midnight wake schedule and when circumstances allow it that schedule works bea-u-tifully. However, when responsibilities in work and school begin this fall I need a consistent schedule to support my sleep/wake cycle. And the best compromise time between clinical days (5am) and class days (7am) is....6am.

I dislike running because it is boring. B o r i n g. I am too slow of a runner to keep it interesting. I mean, why not jump on a bike? It is twice as fast! But that's not the point. I want to mental discipline of training for a beneficial goal while overcoming my objection to running. And since I don't have a road bike, running is more convenient. 'Cause it's free.

The goal:

Run a 5K by September 23

The plan:

First week, run half a mile/walk two miles. Second week, run one/walk two.

Third week, run one and a half/walk two. Fourth week, run two/walk one.

Fifth week, run two and a half/walk one. Sixth week, run 3.2 miles. Woot!

The goal:

Have a consistent sleep/wake schedule

The plan:

Weekdays wake at 6am regular days/5am clinical days, bed before 10pm

Weekends wake at 8am, bed before 11pm

Yep. Conquering both these areas of my life would give me a wonderful sense of accomplishment. I am determined to finish these goals. And (maybe, perhaps) gain some mental discipline.

This morning I began reading 'Fearlessly Feminine' by Jani Ortlund. I picked up this book reluctantly, doubting that this author had anything to new say on "the model Christian woman" or if her message could be anything but a cotton-candy filled inspirational. However, already, her words are inspiring me with their truth.....

"And so we fret and fantasize and take things into our own hands. We make self the center of our lives, and God becomes some peripheral religious ornamentation, all in a fear-driven attempt to secure our happiness. But does it work? Are we happy? Look at the world. Look at all the abortions and divorces and troubled children. Look at the rejections and regrets and remorse. We only want to be happy. So why aren't we? Because we believe a lie. We believe we'll be happy when everything is finally going our way. But this is a deception. What we really need is not a perfect life with everything we crave neatly assembled around us. What we really need is God."

-Jani Ortlund

A sailor suit, a sailor suit, a rice ball in a sailor suit!

2009-08-13T00:00:00.001-05:00

I recently realized that I hadn't mentioned my wonderful 20th birthday party! I feel terrible, because it was just the best party and two of my friends helped me out extensively with it. It just fell through the cracks during a difficult time. Soooo.....

I'm a theme kind of person - a party always needs a theme. For my July birthday pool party, I chose Japan - tricky and somewhat bizarre, since all the party stores were about was hawaiian or patriotic. I scouted the local Asian markets and found some essential items, and with my friend's wonderful suggestions, the food and decor was great! Many people showed up dressed to impress in an asian theme, and with our party pants on we stayed up til long after midnight (and survived an impressive summer thunderstorm)....

As for the theme, I couldn't help it...I love the Japanese culture! Anne loaned me A Japanese Inn by Oliver Statler, and I'm enraptured by this tale of a inn, steeped in culture and tradition, surviving the flow of history around it. Lately, I re-watched Memoirs of a Gheisha, Spirited Away, Nassica, Fruits Basket, and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. And of course, I always love me some manga. (^_^)

Good news! Sinus infection is vanquished. One 5-day Zpack and I was back on track. Aha.

New people in my life! Amazing, kind people! I'm just so happy.

Other than that, I'd rather not talk about feelings right now. But I'm doing very good. I'm seeking God, and that's all I care to ask for.

Ignorance

2009-08-11T10:27:00.001-05:00

If I'm a bad person, you don't like me.
I guess I'll go, make my own way.
It's a circle, a mean cycle.
I can't excite you anymore.
Where's your gavel, your jury? What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me,
Well sentence me to another life.

Don't wanna hear your sad songs.
I don't wanna feel your pain, when you swear it's all my fault.
Cause you know we're not the same.
Oh we're not the same,
The friends who stuck together.
We wrote our names in blood,
But I guess you can't accept that the change is good, it's good.
You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you sir.
I guess I'll go. I best be on my way out.
Ignorance is your new best friend.

This is the best thing that could've happened.
Any longer and I wouldn't have made it.
It's not a war. No, it's not a rapture.
I'm just a person, but you can't take it,
The same tricks that once fooled me.
They won't get you anywhere.
I'm not the same kid from your memory.
Now I can fend for myself.

You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you sir.
I guess I'll go. I best be on my way out.

-Paramore

E N F P

2009-08-10T17:35:00.002-05:00

Big Five Traits	Your Score	Facebook Average	This means you are..
Extroversion	92	64	Very Extroverted. You are very sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people most of the time.
Agreeableness	94	65	Very Agreeable. You have a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are very pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative.
Conscientiousness	58	63	Somewhat Free-Spirited. You enjoy living for the moment but are reasonably reliable, organized, and self-controlled.
Emotional Stability	38	57	Neurotic. You can be upset by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional.
Openness to Experience	98	73	Very Open. You love novelty, variety, and change. You are very curious, imaginative, and creative.

Your Good Side: Tolerant
Tolerant Types are open to, and accepting of, differences in other people. They care about the feelings of others and tend to take their opinions into account when making decisions. Their social skills are reasonably well-developed and they normally relate well to others in both co-worker and supervisory roles. They are described by others with such terms as good-natured, empathic, genial, tactful, diplomatic, calm, and poised.

Your Bad Side: Moody
Moody Types tend to report experiencing many negative emotions and few positive emotions. They are described by others as complex, changeable, worried, depressed, tense, impatient, moody, anxious, irritable, nervous, quitting, unenergetic, unambitious, introverted, cold, unreliable, self-centered, negligent, and stubborn.

Read more about the Big Five personality traits. Content courtesy of John A. Johnson at Penn State.

Baby, we're going down swinging

2009-08-04T21:46:00.002-05:00

Throughout the craziest schedule of last week, I was literally living for the weekend - which included a Six Flags trip with 5 guys and 4 girls hanging out for over 26 hours! Being a coaster virgin I was quaking in my tennis shoes (having only slept 4 hours the night before (in a condo with several guys) also heightened my nervousness). The guys and I drove to ATL in the wee hours of the morning to meet up with Amber and her friends at the park. I had really looking forward to seeing Amber in real time since we had only been Facebook friends up til then! It was wonderful - we said hi, hugged, chatted - then I was hustled along to the biggest, baddest roller coaster I'd ever seen...the Goliath...

To this day I don't know how I managed to slink into that back cart of Goliath after a solid 30 minutes of sweating in line. Perhaps it was because I didn't want to disappoint my new-found girlfriends and guyfriends, and Tyler's face being so darn obnoxious, that I did ride it, and I did survive that glorious terror of a coaster ride. Next, it was on to more fun.

After Goliath and Mind Bender I was loosening up, but the Batman ride was when I let go and enjoyed it. Sandwiched between Amber, Tyler, and Josh, I kept my eyes open and screamed out lungs out. The Ninja was my second favorite with it's continual loops, and the Great American Scream Machine was my least favorite (even though I'm glad I got the wooden-coaster experience).

Since coming back home, the drudge of every day sunk-in when I found out my parents were not about to allow me to enjoy my 2 weeks of summer vacation in blissful freedom. I was very upset with the rules they put in place and their anger towards me and my "lack of contribution to the family cause." Also, I have developed a sinus infection. (-_-)

Sometimes, my tone can be so light, but my heart has been so heavy. When conflicts come to a head with my parents, I feel like I'm fighting for my life - well, fighting for the right to rule my own life. I'm seriously dreading this upcoming school year. I don't want to deal with conflict with them, I don't want to make relationship decisions, I don't want to deal with day to day issues. I'd rather daydream. I'd rather create a perfect world and plan my futuristic actions like a playful demi-god. Everything is so much better when I don't have to deal with it now. I am distressed when I understand that these actions can't be so futuristic anymore - they are here and now.

Today a thought came to mind, one that I never expected to have... I wanted to be a teenager. I know I whine about getting older, but that's just me being silly. This was a real, hungry desire to feel the freedom of a 14 year old girl. And I don't remember if I ever felt that before, probably just snapshots, and that makes me even sadder inside. I can only search out the joy that I know God wants for me. My friend Gloria emailed me today saying "choose joy." And that what I need to do everyday, choose joy. I cannot escape the realities that have crashed around my day dreams, but I can cling to the hope that God wants us to be child-like in him and to be joyful.

So if my daydreams come crashing, will I have the courage to make them realities?

One more time, with feeling

2009-08-03T21:57:00.008-05:00

Our stitches are all out but your scars are healing wrong
And the helium room inside your room has come undone
And it's pushing up at the ceiling and the flickering lights it cannot get beyond

Oh everyone takes turns
Now it's yours to play the part
And they're sitting all around you, holding copies of your chart
And the misery in their eyes is synchronized and reflected into yours

Hold on - one more time with feeling
Try it again - breathing's just a rhythm
Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
This is, why we, fight.

Do do do do do do-we-oo-we-oo-we-oo

You thought by now you'd be so much better than you are
You thought by now they'd see that you had come so far
And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you've never know
So much more than you've been shown.

-------------------------------------------------------------

You step on all my parts and then you walk right out the door
And I know that your love a'int never coming back no more

Time is all around except inside my clock
Everyone is waiting for their lover to unlock

Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up
Time is all around, time is all around

I hallucinate a cat between my feet
I'm stepping lightly so as not to hurt it.
Everybody wants to say that you have changed
Of course you've changed, you've changed - your mind's been rearranged

Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up

Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to love?
Why am I supposed to?
I'm so tired
Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to?
I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want, I don't want

-Regina Spektor

Bravado

2009-07-29T10:52:00.005-05:00

My best friend told me I fake a smile too easily.

That I hide, that I'm not honest with people around me.

He's right, because he knows me better than I know myself.

All I'm doing is hurting but I can't stop smiling.

-----------------------------------------------------

I'm coming apart at the seams

Pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams

Now buzz, buzz, buzz,

Doc, there's a hole where something was...

So boycott love

Detox, just to retox

And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life

Imperfect boys with their perfect ploys

Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy

-Fall Out Boy

Abby and Jeff's wedding

2009-07-27T09:00:00.007-05:00

Wedding day!

...Girl's night out and lingerie shower...

I work hard every day of my life

2009-07-25T23:00:00.006-05:00

"Find me someone to loooooooove......."

Yes, I'm all about Queen right now and it's awesome.

I had two consecutive housing offers from wonderful girls and each fell through. I'm disappointed, and earlier I was upset, but I realize it's all about timing. God will open the opportunities up again when it's right. Now I just need to pray about my attitude and priorities so I can enjoy a nice last year with my parents. I want it to be pleasant and enjoyable, and I need guidance about my interacting with them. I have decided it's worth reevaluating my attitude and becoming more pliable to their wishes if necessary. I'm over fighting. I'm sure this is a learning opportunity or something like that. Sigh.

I did land a waitressing job at a rather unusual place, and I'm interested to see how training week goes. The owner was very nice and understanding, and said she hopes everything will be "compatible" and if not, that's fine. Being a locally owned place, I feel more comfortable about the opportunity - I'm done with corporations for as long as I can avoid them. Anyways, I will also apply at two other businesses because they're conveniently nearby and more preferable in my opinion.

Art. Ideas keep parading through my head. Ideas...designs...colors...origami... I am wanting to hide myself away to sketch for hours without interruption. Yet the end product won't look good and I'll be depressed. Ha.

Weddings. That's all I'm gonna say.

I am blessed with wonderful, caring, fun-loving friends and I cannot express my gratefulness enough! With the changes in my life during the past month, they've sprung from the background and gathered around to support me when I was hurting and upset. They understood - or if they didn't, accepted - my decision and prayed for me and kept my spirit balanced. While reflecting on how I had lost touch with so many good people, and in some ways myself, I feel doubly determined to focus on God. I know he's blessed me and I need to re-direct my focus on him, which will probably lead me back to reaching out to people surrounding me.

Another thing I have re-discovered is how extremely social I am, in so many ways. (I de-activated my Facebook account temporarily because I needed that emotional break, but I consider it a social cop-out anyways). I enjoy being with people and meeting people and hanging out with people. I think God's greatest gift to us was each other. I intend to have an open-door policy when I have my own place! I want to reach out to people through my home, and hopefully everyone will feel comfortable stopping by when they want to.

I'm challenging myself on my "free time". I'm just needing to know where it goes, because my "free time" tends to disappear and it's not because I'm being productive. Sometimes I'm over committed, and time flies by that way, however I know there are moments when I just repeat meaningless actions and waste good minutes. I'm try to log my activities more closely, just to understand how I'm really spending time.

The word that most describes me, in my current situation, is free. I'm almost typed confused, because yes that is true too. However, I feel free and open to every possibility. I love it. It's as if I'm digging up those old dreams that never truly died. I don't know how I got off track... I can hypothesize though... it was losing touch with my parents, it was their 2 year divorce, it was altering myself to fit into the group around me. Something knocked me off course, onto another path, but I liked it. I like that possibility too, that alternate course. Yet it isn't the right time for that path, which is what caused me to feel lost and closed in. I care for someone so deeply, but not enough to change from who I am and my goals. Not enough to neglect the first path in my dreams.

I never realized how far I had strayed, and how deeply I'd gone in, until I turned around and the path was unfamiliar and I was clinging to one person.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Addendum:

....Now... I sit at home now and think, "that's not impossible." Anything that comes to mind seems realistic and exciting! Perhaps that's a small sign of insanity.... (I think I remember something from psych class like this...erhm.) Ideas seem almost tangible. I can travel, and now that I know I can, and I will. There is not a single reason why I shouldn't - even finances are negotiable - and since my friend Corrie has approached me about opportunities of working overseas, my heart is happy. It could be perfect. I'm praying about it... but it's so bizarre when she started talking about it - immediately I thought "Oh yes, that's it." It felt right! The future looks so shiny and bright now! Maybe this is why all my moving out plans fell through. Perhaps.

Pushing the shine

2009-07-21T22:13:00.000-05:00

One would think embarking on 20 would be so exciting.

But no, it's only brought confusion and struggling and a great deal of heart ache. I've forced myself into a situation that I didn't want and I'm almost too terrified of the future to pull myself out.

I might have an opportunity to move out of my home and I'm thrilled - but like so many times before, I'm frightened to take the leap. All talk, no walk. I tell myself that if finances were not a barrier, that I'd leave for my own place without hesitation. I don't know if I would, but I need to prove something to myself.

My timeline of life is so screwed up. I matured too fast, graduated too early, and left behind a lovely childhood without fully becoming an adult. I cannot stand the idea of graduating in the spring because in some sense it will signal the end to my adolescence- and I'm loathe to give that up before I experience it!

I'm bad at decisions. Either I make the wrong one or I never decide at all.

I want to accept the housing offer. I've already mentioned it to my parents and they discussed every disadvantage to the idea. But pleasing them is a lost cause, and something I've realized will not happen. Regardless of whether I move out this fall or next spring or next year, they will have some objection to my decision. Yes, there is logic to waiting a few more months and saving money, but the truth is I believe that moving is a good decision, and if I land a decent job, I will.

I know that permanency is the most terrifying concept to me... Like permanency of lifelong decisions... Of unbreakable contracts. Love, in my opinion, should be an unbreakable contract. As is marriage, and motherhood. How do I fight this? Pray and work towards contentment? Sure, sure. I'm afraid my drive towards randomization and multi-faceted, sparkly ideas will push someone away from me. And I become furious when I'm alone, I know this now. There's nothing like being locked inside myself. It's miserable. And all the pain of my thoughts sits in my stomach especially. I dislike eating alone, cooking alone, driving alone, and thinking alone, and reading alone, and deciding things alone. This aloneness is absolutely essential right now - but that doesn't make me hate it less.

I have all these ideas, and all this experience, and all these good things in my life. Yet as much as I enjoy them, it's a taunting pleasure because I cannot see the pattern that God is working. He hasn't revealed his plan to me, and I feel too apathetic to ask him to explain or demand why he hasn't. I can just sit back and watch as these opportunities fall into my lap. When I sort them through the pieces never fit. It's so frustrating.

I've been listening to an awful lot of The Shins lately. I try Death Cab and Copeland and Regina but their music is too heartbreaking. Lovedrug kinda helps too, like always. And true to form my radio stays fixed on 103.5 and I'm too melancholy to be embarrassed.

Old Towne Coffee Shop will become a permanent fixture in my life, I can tell. The environment, wonderful coffee and outdoor gazebo are very soothing to my soul. The good company is so good too.

Summer classes are going well, with projects coming to a close. I'm behind in everything because I couldn't study anything for over a week, but I'm trying to complete things now before they are due. I've decided that school is not worth stressing over, in any way. I have too many other academic and leadership outlets to test and prove myself in than to worry about exam grades. So that's that. I was offered the position of Chair of Community Health by the local chapter of NSNA that I accepted. I'm thrilled about the responsibility and am already in the rudimentary stages of planning with some of my committee members. It's sure to be a great project - much more information to come.

Thanks for listening.

-----------------

Garden State: "This song will change you life," she said while leaning in towards his reserved hesitant figure sitting in the neurologists waiting room and she placed the large earphones over his head and watched his face as the music played on. He started realizing, with her nearby, that feeling things, once more, might be nice.

---------------------

This goose is cooked, these tongues are tied

Around the block an airborne blight -

But looking on the brighter side

There's far less to which I'd be obliged

In the meadow where the black breeze blows,

where underneath the waves you were most alone -

Can you hear the subtle, aching tone?

Through the water, through the earth,

chill the bones.

-The Shins

Battlefield

2009-07-20T08:53:00.004-05:00

Don’t try to explain your mind, I know what’s happening here
One minute, it’s love
And, suddenly, it’s like a battlefield

One word turns into a war.
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down?
My world’s nothing when you’re gone.
I’m out here without a shield - can’t go back now.

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing.
These times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it, now…

I never meant to start a war
You know, I never wanna hurt you
Don’t even know what we’re fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like...

Can’t swallow our pride, neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can’t surrender, then we’re both gonna lose what we had.

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
These times when we climb so fast to fall again
I don’t wanna fall for it, now…

I never meant to start a war
You know, I never wanna hurt you
Don’t even know what we’re fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?
Better go and get your armor, get your armor, get your armor, get your armor.
I guess you better go and get your armor...

We could pretend that we are friends tonight
And, in the morning, we wake up, and we’d be alright
‘Cause, baby, we don’t have to fight
And I don’t want this love to feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
I guess you better go and get your armor…

-Jordin Sparks

Two Birds

2009-07-15T08:46:00.005-05:00

Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away
And the other watches him close from that wire
He says he wants to as well, but he is a liar

I'll believe it all, there's nothing I won't understand
I'll believe it all, I won't let go of your hand

Two birds on a wire
One says c'mon and the other says "I'm tired.
The sky is overcast and I'm sorry."
One more or one less, nobody's worried

I'll believe it all, there's nothing I won't understand
I'll believe it all, I won't let go of your hand

Two birds of a feather
Say that they're always gonna stay together
But one's never going to let go of that wire
He says that he will, but he's just a liar

Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away and the other
Watches him close from that wire
He says he wants to as well, but he is a liar

Two birds on a wire
Once tries to fly away and the other...

-Regina Spektor

Hello, I Love You

2009-06-23T12:22:00.001-05:00

Hello, I Love You, originally uploaded by Nick Franklin.

This one is great too - I couldn't resist blogging it as well! Nick's play with tones and lighting is fantastic. The background was processed to fade behind to make my body pop forward, but otherwise this is pretty much untouched from the camera.

Unhappy Girl

2009-06-21T18:57:00.002-05:00

Unhappy Girl, originally uploaded by Nick Franklin.

^ Rock star photoshoot with Nick Franklin ^

Much more going on in my life than just posing, but in all sincerity it's too overwhelming to blog. Number one priority is directing a theatre program for under-privileged kids in Lincoln Village. The performances are Saturday and I need to focus on all the details until then. Caoi!

Browse Nick's Flickr page for more pics from this series - and see all his own fabulous photos.

20 is ever so young

2009-05-29T12:38:00.006-05:00

Birthday wish list:

One can dream when one is turning such a perfect age :)

Mood :: "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Bono

Litany

2009-05-29T11:30:00.001-05:00

You are the bread and the knife,

The crystal goblet and the wine.

-Jacques Crickillon

Honeymoon syndrome

2009-05-18T11:09:00.007-05:00

My good friend and fellow nursing student April was married over the weekend in a beautiful church ceremony. She was absolutely the loveliest bride. Her fiance was my David's best friend all through school. David was one of the groomsmen and I did April's hair and makeup. Pew, what a stressful day...I became reserved and anxious until after the ceremony, mostly do to self-imposed perfectionism, and when that was completed I felt a wash of relief. The reception was a wonderful. And it all worked out nicely. And I was left feeling flatlined. (-_-) I don't want a wedding!

Hey, all the married folks could explain their experience with this...I've been fascinated by honeymoon syndrome since the end of my finals. This semester I experienced a great deal of stress and finals were miserable. I couldn't eat and barely slept from thinking about the exams each day. Then, the second whole day after they were completed I woke up feeling hollow, lost, and w e i r d. I pushed through the morning, but felt only like sitting and staring! Sitting and crying! Sitting and yelling! What is this??? Mom explained the phenomenom, and I immediately called a married friend to confirm the diagnosis.

"You know what I'm talking about???"

"Yep," she said.

"And you experienced this???"

"Yep. Including disorientation and stomach pain."

"...........Oh geez I'm not having a wedding."

Quieter, less-stressful note! What I've discovered about blogs is how unique the threaded theme is in each one. Throughout each post the author is spinning out his spirit in a weekly, biweekly, or monthly record. When you look at the collection of posts over a period of time such as a year, you can visualize the thoughts processes and beliefs that grow into a pattern.

This discovery encourages me to become more aware of my own thought processes - that, and because God is challenging me to examine them. Understanding the scripture to "keep each thought captive" is hard. I've heard many people, Christian and non, say you cannot control thoughts, they just happen. I want to challenge that. I feel that we don't see ourselves as the master of our own minds because we don't try practice controlling them. Or even observing them. Does each person know their own logic patterns? Do you think of the same subjects every day? Do you think in a predictable manner? Are the processes mostly optimistic/pessimistic/melancholic?

Let's find out...

Returning to me

2009-05-14T00:39:00.004-05:00

I purchased two new piano books today, Clementi's Sonatinas Opus 36 and Debussy's Children's Corner. I am thrilled to focus on piano again, and these collections came with CDs that can help me self-teach. I need to regain my old skill and continue improving!

In the past three weeks, the breathing period between spring and summer semesters, I've had a glorious time of returning to what I love! Practicing the piano (almost) regularly, beginning and completing sewing projects, reading two entire books, babysitting, and voice recording. Theatre is still missing in my life, and I haven't had inspiration for writing recently, but these things come and go.

My brother Dane asked me to accompany him once again at his violin recital, and I feel so privileged! Dane is a wonderful instrumentalist, and we have much fun performing together.

Saturday is a friend's wedding, and tomorrow is a party at another friend's lakehouse! *woot* What an awesome week...

PS My black acid-trip-bunny shirt is missing!!!!! I vaguely remember loaning it out. If you were the loanie, please return ASAP because I really miss it. Thanks.

To prevent explosion

2009-05-08T19:29:00.004-05:00

When the allergies severely attack

I have to take off all my clothes and lie face down on my bed

Squint my eyes

And push through the convulsive sneezing

Til the Benadryl kicks in.

](>_<)[

The Great Divorce

2009-05-03T15:16:00.003-05:00

'No,' said the other. 'I can promise you none of these things. No sphere for usefulness: you are not needed there at all. No scope for you talents: only forgiveness for having perverted them. No atmosphere of inquiry, for I will bring you to the land not of questions but of answers, and you shall see the face of God.'

-cs lewis

Lately

2009-05-01T10:26:00.012-05:00

My experiences with children consist of fun evenings filled with sugar cookies, Magic School Bus, trains, bubble baths, smurf hair, and late night cups of milk..........and always ending with "I WANT MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!"

*sigh* After six years of regular and weekly babysitting, it's beginning to wear on me.

I conquered the first year of nursing school! *huzzah!* I worked hard, pushed through, and received all Bs! I aimed higher in grades, however nursing school is a different animal all together, and it almost ate me. Glad I won out.

My hair is a brilliant red and hot pink, but you prolly know this. It's so freakin beautiful. Laurie Brandon of the Mod Squad was the hair artist. On Sunday, she and I collaborated with three of my closest photographer pals to design a shoot. Here's a few, hope you enjoy!

View the full set on www.flickr.com/photos/34594390@N07/

Lately, it's been about finals

2009-04-23T13:19:00.003-05:00

I am so pleased that our university ends school redunkulously early for the spring semester. Finals started today with Psychiatric Nursing. In nursing, for each class there is a final and a comprehensive HESI exam, which is standardized. So, more Psychiatric Nursing tomorrow with the HESI. The HESI scores are particularly important for grading your national ranking, and are reviewed at the end of next fall to establish a placement for spring preceptorship.

Which brings me to another point....next Thursday I will be considered a senior. And not just any senior - a senior in the nursing program. A senior that after passing the NCLEX will be a licensed nurse professional.

(Er. Is it weird that I'll be a practicing nurse before I am of legal drinking age?

Yeah it's weird, and it's kinda awesome.)

What has surprised me while learning the profession of nursing is how the role is very multifaceted. There is no topic or client centered conversation that is taboo. We're expected to be the go-to person on any physiological and psychological concern the client may have, and to answer in an honest, therapeutic, straight-forward manner. If we don't have the answer, we find the answer. We comfort, console, listen to, challenge, enforce unit rules, minister to basic life needs and facilitate medical recovery. Up til now, I have studied fundamentals, assessment, health promotion, pharmacology, medical-surgical, and psychiatric nursing. I have experienced clinicals on the medsurg floor, nursing home, home care, oncology unit, and psychiatric unit. I can tell you about heart problems, medication complications, how to prevent superbugs, check O2 stats, resuscitation, SBAR reports, sexual dysfunction in males and females, fall safety, manic intervention, using a drug book, and how to have sex when paraplegic. (I know, I'm still scarred from that one.)

Anyways. I did not want to do this, and I've been completely honest on that account. College was not what I wanted - a degree had no interest to me. When it became clear I had to attend, and was probably being immature about school, I picked nursing and that was final. Why did I pick nursing? I have no clue. Or, maybe just ideas...I wanted a challenge, I know that...I wanted variety...and the thought of being a nurse like my grandmother and best friend's mom was just cool. In the rough spots of my life and early college experience I clung to nursing school like a lifesaver, because with all the uncertainties, I could know I was going to graduate a nurse. I did not even care if I ever practiced. It simply became something I had to accomplish. Even though I still lie awake wondering why I'm doing this...during the day I can focus on pushing ahead and setting goals for future success.

And speaking of future success, I need to study. For the psych HESI. Which is early tomorrow morning.....

Goodwill lovin'

2009-04-22T14:47:00.004-05:00

I've always been an avid thrift shopper since the days of toddlerhood. I'd wander the dirty yet organized aisles of plastic toys with my grandmother, and then the clothes section when I was older. Nothing makes me happier than a good find! Anything funky, vintage, designer, can't-pass-up-it's-too-awesome item is what I go for. Of course, I contribute as well with donating all my gently used items. Today, the southeast Goodwill made my year with it's awesome Target donations and a cute black dress, all in my size. Today, for $42, I acquired.......

-1 Express knee-length little black dress

-2 Target by Richard Chi dresses

-1 Isaac Mizrahi blue and white sundress

-1 strapless one piece swimsuit in sunshine yellow, 1 triangle bikini set in cyan green

-1 pair of gaudy silver heels by Siggerson Morsen for Target that are a perfect fit

-1 pair of black short-shorts Target by Richard Chi to pair with tights and above said heels

I'm glowing in victory.

Don't tell me I can't

2009-04-19T21:13:00.005-05:00

It's borderless, this life we live!

The parameters we construct aren't divine, boxes weren't in the plan

There is the judgment of missing-the-mark

we shouldn't do that

So, there's no border, but there is a mark.

Okay, sin or don't sin

Fathom the borderless cosmos.

Fathom it being borderless in the hands of a God.

Whoa.

We were not created to experience a box, or rules, or laws

We were created to glorify a borderless, uncontainable God

But we missed the mark.

He knew He had to give us a choice

or it wouldn't be free will -

it'd be a box

of slavery

Now, we make the choice every moment

as a redeemed child!

The freedom of living without borders...

Fathom God's divine plan.

Fathom the borderless life gained from living in it.

...whoa

Launch!!!!

2009-04-17T18:07:00.011-05:00

I'm officially a freelance makeup artist!

Today I completed my first set of bridal portraits. The makeup is MAC and Bobbi Brown with Bare Mineral foundation primer. The hair was set with curlers then arranged partially up with a beading of pearls sewed in with clear thread. The effect was stunning, especially in person. I was pleased with the result, but she is so beautiful how could I not be! Photography by John Crabtree on location at bride's home.

Here's my calling card...

A Pretty Face by Kait

Makeup and hair design for your special event!

Weddings, proms, photography sessions, complimentary trial run

Available in the North Alabama/Tennessee area, will travel

kaitlin.m.rich@gmail.com

A fountain so deep, no one need thirst

2009-04-13T11:49:00.004-05:00

Holly posted this video about Brian Welch. I'm truly at a loss for words...

So long... (alt title: live free and prosper)

2009-04-10T17:35:00.005-05:00

About the time where America as a political nation is "transnationalizing" and tailoring policies for the greater majorities, I'm running freelance again. About the time where America, as an open melting pot, is serving the special interest lobbyers and corporation moguls, I'm quitting a national (and world-wide) business chain. Yes, I quit my job, but there are deeper things to worry about.

I reflect everyday on the steps that are taken as a nation, and fight the jaded attitude I maintain towards an increasingly corrupt government. I find the smallest of examples as revealing as the largest issues... Last week our President bowed to a leader of a Muslim country, and the government released a statement to declare the the President indeed did not bow (because inside all fair-minded Americans we found this is a disgrace) but shook the hand of a shorter person... I'm flabbergasted at how deceitful the government officials think they can be, and what they think we'll believe... They lie so readily (and ineptly) about the most basic of matters, and I cannot imagine what they devise in closed quarters.

Um, side note: Why do we feel that bowing to a Muslim leader shameful? Because that country has made attacks verbally, politically, and militantly against America for generations. They hate us... Because the Koran tells them to, and they follow their radical faith. It's considered radical, because any faith that calls upon it's followers to shun and kill people of another faith is radical. We should not respect nor tolerate a country that, if ever given the chance, would crush people of an innocent nation in honor of Islamic faith. End side note.

There's been increasing talk about taxing without accountability. Check out the new and improved tea parties. The Huffington Post and several other liberal news sources attempted to sound like this is strictly a right wing radicalism, and interviewed people with select opinions that supported that. Honestly, it doesn't matter what they think, or what they report. The movement is a fantastic uprising, an all-grass-roots movement that supports no political agenda or person... Merely the idea the taxation with representation (amazing how we come full circle, isn't it?) is wrong. Wrong morally - because an organization how no more right than a normal person has to take money from someone else - and politically - because this nation was the shining beacon of freedom in a power-hungry world, and is now driving full speed ahead into a socialistic agenda.

Ah, socialism. It's funny, I read so many books growing up on socialistic regimes, and was fascinated by the beliefs of Karl Marx and friends. I got their logic, it was simple enough - it seemed almost holy... Let's do the best we can with everyone and for everyone, because we, the smartest and savviest, should rule the lesser folk for their benefit.

See, they never understood the simplest of truth's: people are bad. People are corruptible, and driven by selfish desires. And people in groups will force their selfish desire on others regardless of good intentions with far more ferocity than one person alone. Established rights can be considered optional when a corrupt group of people begin tailoring their agendas and actions for monetary gain... Rights are optional if they impede a nice fat tax increase. A government knows that the more "things" (programs/nice sounding refunds/beautiful health policies) they promise citizens, the more willing they are to be taxed - and the more willing they are to wait, like dogs, for their tax dollars to be fed back to them.

Um, another side not: It is never correct to infringe on a citizen's rights for the sake of serving another. Never. Never.

Taxation is an odd exception, because of living in a country with necessary regulations, law, and law enforcement to maintain decency and equality of treatment. We live as citizens of this country, giving our money to the government on faith that it will be used to serve us. Basically, we should be giving money to help ourselves as a citizen and country - the government is charged with the responsibility to invest the money into those areas and this investment is to be visibly returned. Sadly, so sadly, this is becoming less and less true. America in it's infancy saw the effects of taxation without government accountability, benefit, or return. Today, accountability is gone, the benefit is for select groups, and the return of our invested tax dollars is slipping completely away... And that is why we're throwing tea parties all over again.

Nude

2009-04-09T20:50:00.000-05:00

Don't get any big ideas - they're not gonna happen

You paint yourself white and fill up with noise, but there'll be something missing

Now that you've found it, it's gone. Now that you feel it, you don't.
You've gone off the rails

So don't get any big ideas - they're not gonna happen

You'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking

-Radiohead

A little water

2009-04-05T21:34:00.001-05:00

, originally uploaded by kait.rich.

It was a casual study day at the Crabtrees...until John dragged me into a golf cart and off we ride to a hidden waterfall where faeries frolic and a green umbrella is the only prop you need...

What I do ain't for babies

2009-04-02T17:42:00.006-05:00

I'm a strong(ish) woman, I know this. My mother never tolerated silly timidity when I was young, and with three younger brothers to play with I grew into a wild, tom boy kind of girl. Albeit, I was in touch with my feminine side, but in a nontraditional way (I was prolly wearing a bright purple get-up when I caught and tamed a rat snake from my backyard). All this to say - I ain't no baby.

And throughout this semester of nursing school - the last of my junior year - I had been anticipating my OR rotation so. much. It was thrilling me on the inside, despite reports from friends saying the best they saw were a couple of hysterectomies performed closed with a scope. Ah well, I was still excited! Wednesday was my day and I was assigned to OR 12 NET with Dr D, a Nose, Ears and Throat specialist. Not too interesting, but worth the experience. The OR staff included a surgical tech, anesthesiologist, and OR nurse, and they were nice and explained the entire routine with me. They were Dr D's crew, accustomed to her particular ways and had earned a permanent position on her cases.

The first patient had localized anesthesia and an antianxiety drug cocktail to undergo the removal of three sebaceous cysts from his ear. Um, yeah, not that exciting. I was watching, mildly interested and assisting when I could, feeling cool and competent. It was done, Dr D began cauterizing, and I --- passed out....

Jah. Apparently the smell of burning flesh is potent to the newbies like me. The next thing I was aware of was waking up on an un-used stretcher in the hall, with the OR nurse fanning me. First, a wave of shame washed over me, soon replaced with a wave of nausea. She toddled me down to the lounge room and left me in the care of three kindly and extremely attentive OR nurses. Their "it happens all the time"'s didn't cut the pain of knowing I crumbled on the job, yet I didn't refuse the cup of juice they thrust in my face. Fifteen minutes later, I asked one to take me to OR 12. She was surprised and told me to take it easy but I, like the strong woman I am, said "Lead on." When I entered the room, the three staff were setting up for the next patient, and they applauded when they saw I returned, green and determined.

THIS IS HOW I DO :D

I prepared myself mentally before the next patient was cauterized and...I didn't feel a thing. Whoa. I was so proud. I ain't no baby! So maybe the whole passing out thing was surprising to begin with, I wasn't expecting myself to do that (ever). But I've got a great story to pass down to all the younger kiddos in the nursing program, haha.

Yes, nursing school. I have such a strange relationship with you.

Let's do this

2009-03-31T20:39:00.002-05:00

This is decided.

I'M GOING TO BLOG

YES. Out of the muse has been my darling project since 7.31.2006. It presented to the vast interneties my thoughts and scribbles and poems, none of which was very coherent. I used it as a vehicle for anonymous expression and for following friends blogs, but now that I've gone public hopefully you'll be seeing more concrete narratives.

...or not.

^_^

Thank you for following! And please keep reading... kisses

Renew our world.... be the difference

2009-03-23T21:40:00.002-05:00

www.handsin.org

This was founded by fellow blogger and web-socialite Nicole and it promises to be an exciting springboard for many outreach opportunities!

God Send

2009-03-11T22:30:00.003-05:00

A specific amount of intrisnic worth
is measured by the current authorities

for each individual,

blatant partiality toward the
weighty value of the masses

(but not the old, retarded, and unborn).
The sway of popularity
along with political opinion
global sexually transmitted diseases
and the amoral, and personal
choice to kill
wage in opposition to the
beautiful new life.

...The meticulously formed individual
dependent on life blood,
secluded in a room of pulsing peace,
swathed in a sheen of vibrant ruby
awainting its breathless entrance.

Precious and innocent...

Completely dependent

on popular political opinion

global sexually transmitted diseases
and your ever-important
right to kill

a precious and innocent child.

8.30.2006

2.18.2009

2009-03-03T21:51:00.002-06:00

Client: #327

Diagnosis: right lung mass

DATA :

Assessment: Client did not demonstrate orientation or alertness but responded to direct questioning about pain by raising hand. Client in semi-fowlers position, eyes unfocused with left eyelid dropping, head arched back into pillow, mouth open, chest heaving, vesicular breath sounds, bloody sputum, crackles and wheels identified, neck veins extended, capillary refill +3, yellow concentrated urine output 25 ml, no bowel sounds noted, skin flushed, very warm, very dry with flaking, turgor loose, severe cachexia with visible skeleton and large darkened patches on both arms. Patent catheter line and morphine IV drip running. Client is DNR.

VS 93/59 151pulse 44resp 83 96axillary

Medications: Atrovent 0.02% NEB 0.5, Decadron 4mg/ml, Levaquin 500mg/100ml, Protonix 40mg, Proventil 2.5mg, Reglan 10mg, Ativan 0.5, Compazine 10mg, Morphine carpuject 1-2mg, Morphine 100mg, Zofran 8mg

PLAN : The client is a 55-year old white male with a right lung mass in end-stage cancer, MI in 2005, history of multiple illnesses. Daughter at beside. Comfort measures to be provided.

Nursing Diagnosis: none

IMPLEMENTATION :

0720 IV Morphine drip dosage increased to maximum allowable per physician’s order

0830 Daughter left room to tell nurse that her dad the client had passed away. Declared dead by attending physician at 0840. Post mortem care provided, including removing all lines and cleaning body, arranged client for family viewing.

NAPG Photoshoot

2009-03-03T19:33:00.005-06:00

Narcissism in it's unrepentant glory... :] I spent three hours Saturday at the Flying Monkey Art Center with the most talented amateur photographers in North Alabama. It was an incredible learning experience, many beautiful photos captured, and there was free pizza!

North Alabama Photographers Guild on Flickr

Flying Monkey Arts Center

AHEN is the code

2009-03-03T19:18:00.004-06:00

Anger grows from

Hurt which springs from shattered

Expectations which are founded in

Need.

and that's it, folks.

Stratified

2009-02-09T16:24:00.002-06:00

I am, er, (here)

And my mind is flying

elsewhere

So um,

There's the me below

And the I above

Her heart in between a

Disconnect

My Philosophy for Life

2009-02-08T12:35:00.004-06:00

1) I believe that humans and everything around us was and is made to honor, praise, and glorify, and have a relationship with the one and only God.

2) I also believe that life is about having relationships and companions. For non-christians, there are two different types of relationships - one is friendship and the other is marriage. For Christians, there are three relationships - friendship, marriage, and the greatest of all our relationship with God.

3) Life is a never-give-up kind of thing. I believe that you can never give up if you want to succeed. If I wanted to play soccer but stopped playing after the third practice because I couldn't score a goal, would I ever learn to play? If I learned to give up every time I didn't succeed in the first few tries or when I'm challenged, I would be a failure the rest of my life.

-Dane, age 13

2.7.09

This is so precious to me. Dane has a sincerity that he always carries in his heart. It is so endearing to see the mixture of biblical truths and childhood earnestness, and I pray that both become an irrevocable whole of his character and of my other brother's as well.

The blessings I have in my brothers and their Godly lives is immeasurable. The world cries out for leaders, for men that have the strength of truth in their hearts. There are few to be found; most men are fostering pluralism and tolerance as an acceptable, peaceful route to universal happiness. But all beliefs cannot show truth, and where there is no truth, there is no true happiness. I would rather see a man standing strong for one wrong "truth", than an army of peaceful men accepting all "truths". Schuyler, Dane, and Trent already know the rightness of one truth, and they follow it strongly and with understanding.

America's Suitehearts

2009-01-31T23:43:00.001-06:00

You could have knocked me out with a feather.
I know you've heard this all before, but we're just Hell's neighbors.
Why, why, why won't the world revolve around me?
Build my dreams, trees grow all over the streets.

But I don't know much about classic cars,
But I've got a lot of friends stuck on classic coke.
Down, set, one,
Hut, hut, hike,
Media Blitz!

Lets hear it for America's Suitehearts!
But I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins.
Lets hear it for America's Suitehearts!
But I must confess,I'm in love with my own sins.

You can bow and pretend that you don't, don't know you're a legend.
Time, time, time hasn't told anyone else yet.
Let my love loose again.

But I don't know much about classic cars,
But I've got a lot of friends stuck on classic coke.
Down, set, one,
Hut, hut, hike,
Media Blitz!

You could have knocked me out with a feather
I know you've heard this all before

Lets hear it for America's Suitehearts!
But I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins.
Lets hear it for America's Suitehearts!
But I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins.

-FOB

Average garbage

2009-01-23T17:07:00.005-06:00

We take something from the ground

fresh and natural.

We modify -

carving smoldering

pressing forcing stamping

Into the desired form.

Instructions: Use, discard.

We throw something back

which the earth can't accept.

Of note

2009-01-15T14:52:00.002-06:00

HEY YOU!!!!!!

MY name's Kait.... I kinda a big deal

...local celebrity, and all, right?...

I'm 19 years old and very confused (Life is confusing).

I love many different things.

I can spontaneously give a speech on anything (won many competitions!)

Singing is my favorite.

(Put me on stage, I get excited!)

But I also adore pictures...and I like modeling for them too.

Clothes is awesome. Clothes!

Somehow I got a little beauty and a little brains....and I don't do much with either.

'Cause I'm in school, you know, but just gliding by.

I hate being mediocre, unimpressive grades, so far I haven't tried enough

(I'm trying to fix that)

Nursing wasn't my desire, but it's good in it's on way

The way of people, caring, and a nice fat salary....

What I admire: genuineness, intelligence, chivalry, dedication, funness, spontaneity, surprises, conversation skills, cologne, good looks (I'm honest!), love, caring, talent, loves children.

What I loathe: averageness, sloth, vagueness, rudeness, driving too slow, unkempt appearance, long nose hairs (true story!), boring.

Smiling is my favorite, too. And when I hear someone laugh

I love joining in.

People's sadness affects me as well...

Other people's problems I can feel in my heart

along with their joy.

I hate being angry. Especially at someone I love.

I rarely am...yet when it happens I feel like a demon and nothing can reason.

The worst thing is how destructive I can be.

Ripping myself apart is mechanical and easy.

With all I love to create, and draw, and sing, and act, and model, and see beauty

I still can hurt. (there's no middle ground/neutrality)

I wish to be the best.

I desire more than I deserve, and fail grasping

Uncertainties are even more hellish

Yet

I love you

I love you very much.

I want you to have a wonderful life!

That's the most sincerest feeling I have

that I want you to have everything you dream.

And I won't stop that, ever.

And sometimes I wonder if I dreamed you up to start with, and just kept on dreaming

And sometimes reality is skewed

idk

idc

Sincerely,

yours truly

Know

2009-01-07T17:41:00.003-06:00

Running up to me in the kitchen, exclaiming

"See, this doesn't make sense! They ask me

'Is the Bible true?'

And the answer is 'Because it says it's true'

But if they don't believe the Bible at all

how will they ever believe it's right?"

I flashed him a smile, with a weak chuckle

"Yeah, funny how that works.

I don't know either. Guess it has to be divine.

The believing, I mean. Divine."

When logic fails, and a numbing culture

sets the ground for discounting all Christianity,

there's nothing left to argue.

I can be cynical, I apologize; I've struggled with this for years.

Praying and wishing for that golden breakthrough

with some of the closest of my acquaintances...

(ah, I cry myself to sleep.)

Be the example

Live the life

Get up when you fail

Rejoice when you succeed

Never be ashamed

"Live your life, Dane, with God's love growing in you.

Be a strong, Christian man."

Potential and Restructure

2009-01-03T15:16:00.007-06:00

2009

Goals

:: learn the rudimentary basics of American Sign Language

:: budget finances consistently

:: research, write, edit, and publish the apology article that's been in forming in my head and heart

Aspirations

:: travel...somewhere wonderful, full of history and arts...and take a plane to get there

:: land a professional modeling or acting job

:: dedicate myself more thoroughly to the studies at hand

:: to strive for more emotional stability

:: to live everyday, fully in that moment

Hey-o it's over, and about to begin

2008-12-29T23:03:00.001-06:00

Fall 2008
College:				Nursing
Major:				Junior Division Nursing
Student Type:				Continuing
Academic Standing:				Good Standing
Additional Standing:				Scholar
Subject	Course	Level	Title					Grade	Credit Hours	Quality Points	R
NUR	302	UG	NURSING & HEALTH PROMOTION					B	3.000	9.000
NUR	303	UG	HEALTH ASSESSMENT					B	3.000	9.000
NUR	304	UG	APP PATHOPHYSIOLOGY LIFESPAN					B	3.000	9.000
NUR	310	UG	PROFESSIONAL PRACTICE NURS I					B+	6.000	18.000
				Attempt Hours	Passed Hours	Earned Hours	GPA Hours	Quality Points	GPA
Current Term:				15.000	15.000	15.000	15.000	45.000	3.000
Cumulative:				40.000	40.000	40.000	40.000	130.000	3.250

TRANSCRIPT TOTALS (UNDERGRADUATE)
				Attempt Hours	Passed Hours	Earned Hours	GPA Hours	Quality Points	GPA
Total Institution:				40.000	40.000	40.000	40.000	130.000	3.250
Total Transfer:				0.000	0.000	41.000	0.000	0.000	0.000
Overall:				40.000	40.000	81.000	40.000	130.000	3.250

The tidings of the season to you!

2008-12-25T08:00:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas!

Emmanuel, Emmanuel,

in the grime of a stable,

under the brilliance of a star,

you came.

One day all the universe

will acknowledge your Love

which is boundless

and enduring

and dwelling forever,

Amen.

chronicling a lovely c h r i s t m a s

2008-12-21T20:53:00.012-06:00

Photos by Tyler Pierce

(excepting 7 and 8)

holiday spirits!

2008-12-13T22:14:00.004-06:00

foods ::

cocktail weenies

spinach spankies

candied nuts

celery sticks with pimento cheese

celery sticks with garlic cream cheese

veggie tray with homemade low-fat dip

2-layer yellow cake with buttercream frosting

Mullin spiced apple cider

Perrier sparkling water with raspberries

Swiss Miss hot chocolate

grocery list ::

3 liter bottles of Perrier (7)

2 gallons of apple cider (5)

2 packages of Mullin Spices (4)

jar of pimentos (2)

pack of celery (3)

pack of sugar snap peas (4)

3 bell peppers (5)

once lemon (1)

package of frozen raspberries (4)

cream cheese (2)

shredded cheddar cheese (4)

ice

....equals joyous times :]

Let's play here and now

2008-12-13T00:55:00.004-06:00

I could hate him for making me question

I could hate him for imposing his own dream

-remind me again, why must I conform mine

(because it is not so crisply defined in years and situations?)

I could hate him for his increasing urgency and my lowered resistance.

No I'm sorry I don't have my life figured out.

There's no aligned dominos in a knock-down trail

There's no aces in their spaces

There is no symmetry.

This is what I am.

This is what I'm developing from

a young girl riddled with fear of the future

Yes I'm trying.

Let's just say I'm attempting with all my might.

A glorious warmth in his arms and kiss, apart it's all submerged

Today/tomorrow/sincerely I thank God for...

2008-11-25T08:35:00.002-06:00

showers

myself?

music

giving shots

writing, blogger

pretty colors of thread

internet

slushies

Schuy, D, and Louie

paintings, photography

His strength carrying me through

beautifulness

piano

singing uninhibited

joyous holidays

my bedroom, bathroom

naptimes

family

best friend/boyfriend

ability to learn

my job and subsequent paycheck

ghetto mobile

smiling

Survive and prosper

2008-11-24T21:48:00.001-06:00

Advair 500/50mcg, one puff twice daily

314.99 (60.24 w/ insurance)

Maxair Autohaler 400 puffs total, two puffs four times daily, fifteen minutes prior to exercise and PRN

177.99 (23.64 w/ insurance)

Ocella tablet, one daily

173.89 (35.84 w/ insurance)

Prednisone 20mg tablets, one tablet three times daily for twenty days

11.99 (0.65 w/ insurance)

SMZ/TMP tablets, one daily

32.89 (2.34 2/ insurance)

I'll write you a poem, dripping

2008-11-17T23:15:00.004-06:00

You're the peanut to my butter

-You're the cheese to my macaroni

You're the chocolate to my strawberry

-You're the ranch to my chicken

You're the popcorn to my favorite movie

-You're the soda to my burger and fries

You're the bright sunshine when I wake up

-You're the blanket I could cuddle with

You're the reason for my random smile

-You're the music in my ears

You are the beat to my heart

-You are the love of my life

You're the only thing I want or need in this world

To whom it may concern

2008-11-16T14:48:00.001-06:00

MyMy parents began home schooling me at age seven, and I remained home schooled until my graduation at age 16. Throughout my education, my parents always emphasized the primary importance of learning and understanding, not just rote memorizing. They instilled in me the desire to comprehend new material so I can better utilize it later in life. I enrolled in Calhoun Community College’s dual enrollment program my senior year so I could complete my high school course requirements and also receive college credit. I loved the college experience and enjoyed all my classes.

I have many varied interests which include, but are not limited to, USTA tennis, local community theatre, TeenPact for Alabama, Alabama Music Teacher's Association statewide piano competitions, YMCA exercise classes, Huntsville Times Teen Page, sewing societies, dance instruction, and Kingdom Life Fellowship Church. I have volunteered extendedly at Constitution Village, Fantasy Playhouse, Lincoln Village ministries and on governmental campaigns. I know these hobbies and pursuits will benefit me in my academic major and in pursuing a well-rounded outlook on life.

In May of 2006 I graduated high school from Excalibur Christian Home School Group with a high school GPA of 4.0 and a college dual enrollment GPA of 3.5 and 18 college credit hours. I was accepted as a member of Phi Theta Kappa and the Dean's List. I received Redstone Arsenal's Calhoun Community College $2000 scholarship and continued my education at Calhoun until Spring 2007. I transferred Fall 2007 to University of Alabama at Huntsville. Now I have completed 84 academic hours and maintain a GPA of 3.4.

My declared field of study is Nursing, with the possibility of continuing education in graduate studies. Since I was young, I wished to enter a vocation where I may communicate with people and assist them all I can. Nursing is a field I feel called into as a career and way of life, and working on a pediatric floor is my first career goal. Receiving a scholarship can set that goal within reach through financial assistance. In the following two years I will strive to receive a Bachelor of Science in Nursing from the UAH Nursing Department.

Thank you for your consideration!

Shine

2008-11-16T00:20:00.001-06:00

Who cares what we’ve earned?

Somebody’s sold all the truth that you’ve yearned.

Remember when we used to shine?

And had no fear of sense or time.

When it creeps up on you

You can’t cry when there’s nothing to feel

No one’s noticed our loneliness

Remember when we used to tease

And made us scream eternal joy

I believed that you’d always be here

‘Cause once you promised a life with no fear

Please don’t break my ideals

And say what’s fake was always real

I was the one and only

Take me back again

-Muse

Fall in your lap

2008-11-09T00:31:00.004-06:00

spring/grasp/tilt/h o l d o n.

This is it?

I thought... well

Not this

But how can I ask for more?

A short observation on healthcare and tomorrow

2008-11-03T22:16:00.003-06:00

When deciding to vote for a candidate, there are numerous topics to research. Most Americans scrutinize the topics they consider personally important, or that would significantly influence their culture, lifestyle and habits. When I approached the candidates from a health care perspective, it became very confusing. This topic directly affects my future career as a nurse. Health care problems are being addressed through several different policies, according to each candidate’s position. Yet since I agree with a couple of policies from each candidate, it was necessary to sort through which policies I consider important and effective for the problems.

Health care for everyone is fundamental in my worldview. I desire for all people of all ages to have access to healthcare. McCain specifically states that every American deserves healthcare, including alternate treatment settings and cost-effective measures. Obama stresses healthcare for the underprivileged and children, requiring mandatory health insurance for minors in particular.

Regulation of healthcare safety is also a concern. Obama emphasizes hospital responsibility with compulsory federal regulations, including RN/patient ratios. McCain emphasizes consumer knowledge on treatment options and outcomes, and providing Medicare payments for diagnostic visits and disease prevention measures.

Healthcare would only be effective if it were affordable. Obama revealed a detailed plan for affordable healthcare that incorporated national public health insurance with income-related subsidies called the National Health Insurance Exchange. Also, he desires to expand Medicaid, and would require employers to offer an insurance program to all employees. McCain addressed the issue through a Guaranteed Access Model that is state-based, with financial assistance for lower-income peoples and premium-limitations on insurance companies. McCain’s approach to employer insurance is to drop favorable tax treatment of businesses, and instead provide a tax refund to individuals and families for private insurance coverage.

In considering healthcare professionals education, Obama supports loan-repayments, reimbursements, training grants, and $4000/yearly tuition credit for all student nurses. Although tuition credit would be a great assistance to student nurses, I consider it an inequitable neglect towards other students who are pursuing engineering, biology, chemistry, and other fields that contribute directly to healthcare in our nation.

When deciding which candidate’s policies would be best for nursing only, Barack Obama demonstrates the most supportive policies for the nursing profession. However, the majority of his healthcare strategy incorporates a national infrastructure that requires enormous government funding. Obama does not address how this funding will be obtained, presumably from increased federal taxes.

When considering the candidates’ political policies regarding general healthcare, I am supportive of McCain’s course of actions. Limiting insurance premiums, emphasizing prevention of disease through testing and education, providing state insurance plans, and a tax refund for private insurance coverage are the strategies I wish to see implemented. These would allow for freedom of individual responsibility with support for the underprivileged, without the formation of a national healthcare insurance set up.

References:

American Nurse’s Association (2008, August 18). Documents. ANA Policy and 2008

Presidential Candidates Obama & McCain. Retrieved http://nursingworld.org/MainMenuCategories/ANAPoliticalPower/Election2008/2008Presidential/PresEndorseProcess/ANAPolicyand2008PresidentialCandidates.aspx

McCain, John (2008, October 12). Healthcare. Straight Talk on Health System Reform. Retrieved

http://www.johnmccain.com/content/default.aspx?guid=8475c713-a541-4b97-a2aa-800e35da37bb

Obama, Barack (2008, October 12). Healthcare. Obama-Biden Health Care Plan.

Retrieved http://www.barackobama.com/pdf/issues/HealthCareFullPlan.pdf

-K R

Remove the scales from our eyes

2008-11-02T19:54:00.005-06:00

God, put an end to evil; avenging God, show your colors! Judge of the earth, take your stand; throw the book at the arrogant.

God, the wicked get away with murder—how long will you let this go on? They brag and boast and crow about their crimes!

They walk all over your people, God, exploit and abuse your precious people. They take out anyone who gets in their way; if they can't use them, they kill them. They think, "God isn't looking, Jacob's God is out to lunch."

Well, think again, you idiots, fools—how long before you get smart? Do you think Ear-Maker doesn't hear, Eye-Shaper doesn't see? Do you think the trainer of nations doesn't correct, the teacher of Adam doesn't know? God knows, all right--knows your stupidity, sees your shallowness.

How blessed the man you train, God, the woman you instruct in your Word, Providing a circle of quiet within the clamor of evil, while a jail is being built for the wicked. God will never walk away from his people, never desert his precious people. Rest assured that justice is on its way and every good heart put right.

Who stood up for me against the wicked? Who took my side against evil workers? If God hadn't been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said, "I'm slipping, I'm falling," your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.

Can Misrule have anything in common with you? Can Troublemaker pretend to be on your side? They ganged up on good people, plotted behind the backs of the innocent. But God became my hideout, God was my high mountain retreat, then boomeranged their evil back on them: for their evil ways he wiped them out, our God cleaned them out for good.

-Psalm 94

I'm going to try

2008-10-30T11:09:00.005-05:00

Thrown in the middle of

not terror, really

if there is a feeling worse it's apathy

when you can't pursue what you desire

you fill the void with "rightness"

that logic will prod you in

that voices of reason will praise

they confirm the emptiness, no doubt

Thrown in the middle of

not attachment, really

if there's a feeling worse it's complacency

when you scream at night from indecision

you rage against walls with questions

that would be answered if

that could be explained it

you dropped the chains of reality, no doubt

There's nothing but a sad shallow goal

There's nothing to embrace at night

There's nothing I desire

And I dare to include my love in this

And I dare beg for his understanding

And I continue through the straight and narrow

As slowly like a mist at twilight

I lose my beautiful deadly rabbit hole

dream

Hideaway

2008-10-23T19:39:00.003-05:00

Take the sky for example
A canvas of a billion suns
But our local hero shines them out by day
Safe for the winking of a Venus or Mars

Even the stars
Sometimes fade to gray
Even the stars
Hideaway

I see the bare moon raise it's big bald head
I see my friends play the fool
I'll make my own way in the wide world
Just know I don't want to wander too far

Even the stars
Sometimes fade to gray
Even the stars
Hideaway

Some call me all kinds of names
Some say I don't play the right kind of game
I try to be honest, I try to be kind
And honestly leave when I know that it's time
I know that it's time

Hear a phoebe sing his only song
The summer's day is hovering
I'll write my full heart troubles while I can burst
Out the windows of our traveling car

Even the stars
Sometimes fade.....

-The Weepies

a futuristic list containing a ray of motherly aspiration

2008-10-15T21:47:00.011-05:00

Alexander
Alice
Ari
Beatrix
Demi
Ella
Elisha
Emily
Frances
James
Jaden
Jem
Jewel
Jules
Julia
Katherine
Katrina
Keaton
Killian
Ives
Lane
Liam
Leigh
Louis
Mary
Rea
Rin
Sara
Schuyler
Sean
William

Trusted

2008-10-02T21:00:00.003-05:00

It was a gift
and I held it in my hands
regulated with a pulse of exposed emotions
it was firm
but pliable underneath my influence
perhaps a word, a tone, a glance could make it cease -
- so great was the responsibility
- greater than I wish to admit

It was a gift
and I locked it up, tight
trying maybe saving it from the murder I could....commit

maybe

One day, a recall
One day you'll take back(heart)
A swift searing pain
A recoil of raw emotions

and I'll realise with a wry stretched smile
what happens when your love kills
and though it was a gift I'll return it

and I will know it(heart) like my own(heart)
because so long it had been mine(heart)

and it'll still be regulated with the pulse of denied emotions

And you will blame me.

The blame:
It's termination
It's wretched hurt
It's pallid beat -
damn it
It's blood should never
It's blood could never
Be on my hands

- because it was a gift.

11.1.2006

Diagnostic Puppy Love

2008-09-14T00:00:00.001-05:00

Is this temporary
Is this obsession
Is this rediculous
Is this lust
Is this running heedless
Is this insane
Is this far too soon
Is this much too deep
Is this rebellion
Is this adoration
Is this perfect
Is this blindly flawed
Is this real
Is this right
Is this

Love [one year and seven months flying blind toward the sun]

2.14.2007

Please read

2008-08-25T12:56:00.002-05:00

Growing up on a healthy diet of faeries, stories, Arthurian legends, Shakespeare, greek gods, and true romance in its purest sense, I like to hear commentary by fellow fairy-tale lovers. I particularly enjoy this post by Aine.

http://recoveringhelen.blogspot.com/2008/08/real-fairy-tales-vs-4-tenet-romantic.html

If you do, if you don't

2008-08-14T15:57:00.002-05:00

Let’s get out, let’s get out of here.
I’ll go at it alone if I have to, but I need you there.
I’m honest with nobody else -
Whether or not I make it there is will itself.
And I’m honest with only myself -
I can’t afford to lose you now, not in this hell.
But I’ll stay with you!

I’m a mess and so a wreck, a poor excuse without you near to keep me in check.
So take me out, and take me anywhere!
I’m out of touch with everything and I don’t care.
So I must be out of my mind.
The offer I have to give to you is all my time, so I’ll stay with you.

We sing over and over
....And baby I'm a waste of time

-Cartel

Build god

2008-08-04T16:10:00.002-05:00

It's these substandard motels on the (lalalalala) corner of 4th and Fremont Street.
Appealing only because they are just that un-appealing
Any practiced catholic would cross themselves upon entering.
The rooms have a hint of asbestos and maybe just a dash of formaldehyde,
And the habit of decomposing right before your very (lalalala) eyes.

Along with the people inside
What a wonderful caricature of intimacy
Inside, what a wonderful caricature of intimacy

Tonight tenants range from: a lawyer and a virgin
Accessorizing with a rosary tucked inside her lingerie
She's getting a job at the firm come Monday.
The Mrs. will stay with the cheating attorney
Moonlighting aside, she really needs his money.
Oh, wonderful caricature of intimacy.

Yeah

And not to mention, the constable, and his proposition, for that "virgin"
Yes, the one the lawyer met with on "strictly business"
As he said to the Mrs. Well, only hours before,
After he had left, she was fixing her face in a compact.
There was a terrible crash between her and the badge
She spilled her purse and her bag, and held a "purse" of a different kind.

Along with the people inside
What a wonderful caricature of intimacy
Inside, what a wonderful caricature of intimacy

There are no raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses.
It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses
At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains
And a few more of your least favorite things.

What a wonderful caricature of intimacy