Disenchantment

[To Sarah, this is dedicated to you with a blessing: May your suitor get a clue. Soon.]

You failed to bring that debonair spark
I missed your sudden gleam when you entered -
there was no flash.
Maybe next time you'll do better.
[Next time]
Well, maybe not.
Okay: readjust my expectations that perhaps I'd set to high
Yes I knew you were mortal
I'd just forgotten
It got scrambled in that late-night calculation
when I also forgot you faults.
Surprising, you have quite a few.
Never noticed you cracked your knuckles
and clear your throat everytime you say "Heillldengaaard".
But of course that's fine - we all have our qurks
and physical flaws like your unusual ears and bow-shaped nose.
[Pause]
You never mentioned you are obsessed with Oprah
And that your kitchen floor has never seen a mop.
Your classic, careless wardrobe is beginning to look grundgy
(have you ever taken those pants to the cleaners?)
The half-lidded, smoky look that made me swoon
looks daft in broad daylight.
Sorry I didn't call last night [first time in two weeks].
No, not tomorrow. Maybe later [maybe never].
See ya.

[Sheepish laugh]

Whew.

That was close.

Black Horse & The Cherry Tree

Well my heart knows me better than I know myself
So I'm gonna let it do all the talking.
I came across a place in the middle of nowhere
With a big black horse and a cherry tree.

I fell in fear, upon my back
He said "Don't look back, just keep on walking."
When the big black horse said, "Hey lady!"
Said, "Look this way, will you marry me?"

But I said no, no, no, no-no-no
I said no, no. You're not the one for me
No, no, no, no-no-no
I said no, no. You're not the one for me

And my heart had a problem, in the early hours,
So I stopped it dead for a beat or two.
But I cut some cord, and I shouldn't have done that,
And it won't forgive me after all these years

So I sent it to a place in the middle of nowhere
With a big black horse and a cherry tree.
Now it won't come back, cause it's oh so happy
And now I've got a hole for the world to see


Big black horse and a cherry tree
I can't quite get there 'cause my heart's forsaken me
Big black horse and a cherry tree
No, no, no, no
I can't quite get there 'cause my heart's forsaken me

- KT Tunstall

A Solitary Triumph

[Statistics show that the number of criminal women is considerably less in proportion than that of male criminals.]

OH, the progress of Woman has really been vast

Since Civilization began.

She's usurped all the qualities which in the past

Were reckoned peculiar to Man.

She can score with a bat, use a rod or a cue;

Her tennis and golf are sublime.

Her aim with a gun is uncommonly true,

But Man beats her hollow at crime.

The strings to her bow are both varied and quaint;

There are maids who can work with the pen,

There are maids who can handle the palette and paint

With a skill that's not given to men.

There are ladies who preach, lady doctors there are,

MPs will be ladies in time,

And ladies, I hear, practise now at the Bar --

But Man holds the record for crime.

So it's hey for the jemmy, and ho for the drill,

And hurrah for the skeleton keys.

Oh, to burgle a house or to rifle a till!

I am more than her equal at these.

She may beat me at home, she may beat me afield;

In her way I admit she is prime.

But one palm at least I compel her to yield:

I can give her a lesson in crime.

-P.G. Wodehouse