A Letter

Dear God:

I want you to be my only refuge
my only master
my only guide
my only comfort
my only focus
my keeper and first love.

Sincerely -

P.S. Whatever they see in me - will you let them know it is all and only you?

Breach

Daily I sink deeper thicker farther away
your soul no longer touches mine
the burn of inflicted self-consciousness
hindering the being of me
I cannot force my thoughts ambitions dreams
outside you expected criticism
it is impossible to endure
your relentless sneering dissappointment
I flinch and hold
waiting for the lashes and cuts -

So please
just take me out
swift and painless
don't let me feel
you brand that
everlasting stamp of
dissaproval
onto my heart.

(?)

-You think you are so generous and strong
to give me what is your (heart)
Do you not know I could kill you -

This is How I Disappear

Go -To unexplain the unforgivable,
Drain all the blood and give the kids a show.
By street light this dark night, a stance down below.
There's things that I have done, could never, should never know.

And without you is how I disappear, and live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear, and live my life alone forever now.

He walks among the famous living dead,
Drowns all the boys and girls inside your bed.
And if you could talk to me, tell me if it's so,
That all the good girls go to heaven.
Well, heaven knows -

Can you hear me cry out to you?
Words I thought I'd choke on figure out.
I'm really not with you any more.
I'm just a ghost, so I can't hurt you any more,
So I can't hurt you any more.

You wanna see how far down I can sink?
Let me out! Sinking, I'm sinking,
I'm so far away from you. I'm sinking.

And without you is how I disappear, and live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear, and live my life alone forever now.

-My Chemical Romance

Anonymous

While passing a trash bin
I spotted your love
crumpled and bleeding
underneath shredded bills

I pulled it out
smoothed it down
read it through

Stained a crying red
it told me the story
of how you have loved
and lost

(a familiar tune)

It had wide margins
and several tear stains
I added some notes
and pain of my own

(I hope you don't mind)

While passing a mailbox
I dropped in your love
folded and healing
on top packaged bills

The visit

Enter and immediately it smells of
feeble bald salivia jilting death
Receptionist: Yes? Oh room number 52 on left.
Walk ignore muffled screams cheap pastel wallpaper bulletin boards
glance up see him pace the halls fly unzipped hands groping rail
will anyone save his soul?
avert gaze don't stare at the helpless dying no ones
labeled door medication clipboard is all that identifies another living corpse
they were once loved
find the number it was on left breathe deeply
step inside her mechanical bed next to another
curtain partition two dressers calender clock mounted needlepoint "Jesus"
she recognized me the wide gaping mouth and raccous moans indicated
flailing her one controllable arm she envelopes me in an embrace
my face presses into the pillow that smells of
end shampoo tears plastic resignation
communication commenced of wild gestures toothless smile chuckle groan
-Yes life has been good since I saw you last sorry it's been so long to visit but
you know how life gets away from you-
Clear eyes gaze into mine in response that yes life does get away from you if you allow
the scream of humanity to drown you in its insatiable relentless
-And the family is well and sends their love youngest is now in first grade going to school
boy do they grow up fast-
Expression pitying says that yes they do grow up fast and why don't you quench
your greed of self indulgence and invest into his life loving kindness understanding
-Certainly nice to see you after so long must go now I'll sign the guestbook-
She watches as I take the small spiral bound notebook and make my mark
next to the precious few others who hell took their time to drop in these seven years
snore like a rifle shot from the sleeping dying no one in the next mechanical bed
a nurse enters with a tray of pills painkillers laxatives stimulants insulin death
another embrace clasp and desperate arm about my neck
then pull away she pours into me an appeal come back again come back again come back again
step into the hall with down cast eyes glimpsed him still pacing
determined despondant mere purposeless
where is his soul?
ignore the smell of the
end
shudder through the press of hidden minds forgotten thoughts masked lives
only function mere form
they were once loved
Receptionist: Have a nice day
Hell.
Outside strikes the full terror of abondonment
please God don't hide my heart from me
please God take me now don't let them keep me a living corpse

Exit and immediately it smells of creation.

Brighter Than Sunshine

I never understood before - I never knew what love was for.
My heart was broke, my head was sore - what a feeling.
Tied up in ancient history - I didnt believe in destiny.
I look up you're standing next to me - what a feeling.
What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care - I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
And it's brighter than sunshine.
I never saw it happening I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
I didn't have the strength to fight - Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you - what a feeling
Suddenly you're mine - It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.
Love will remain a mystery - but give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me
What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine.

-Aqualung

all which isn't singing is mere talking

all which isn't singing is mere talking and all talking's talking to oneself (whether that oneself be sought or seeking master or disciple sheep or wolf) gush to it as diety or devil -toss in sobs and reasons threats and smiles name it cruel fair or blessed evil- it is you (ne i)nobody else drive dumb mankind dizzy with haranguing -you are deafened every mother's son- all is merely talk which isn't singing and all talking's to oneself alone but the very song of(as mountains feel and lovers)singing is silence -ee cummings

Current Status Taken

I'm busy
Not now
No thank you
Not interested
Rather not
Take a hint -
I'm unavailable

Return (Square One)

Everyturn a contradiction
have I not moved
from this concrete earth
burned alive in repitition
a plot of cycles
revolutions per second/day/year
disgrowth within mummification
of ageless repeats
again
again
again

Brutal

Crashing down to earth
solid and reproaching
Why did you leave me
for your castle in the air?
Come back to me, child,
to harshness and to truth
clasping their iron arms
about your mind -
Do not let it wander again, naive one.
There's comfort in unforgivable facts
in unmoving absolutes
in square corners
in rigid pathways.
The disinllusionment of your imaginings
will break upon the night
exposed to mechanic reason.
Your heart will balk
at it's improved, pristine surroundings
that will protect you from
silly fancies, evocative music, flighty poems
that will only hinder the march
of progressive realism.
Welcome home
close your thoughts
muse no more.

[Random] Phone in

Welcome. Today we have on our panel our resident psychiatrist, a psychiatrist who isn't resident but staying with the other one because he can't bear to go home, and a psychiatrist who lived with the first one and who when the second arrived felt alienated and has since undergone a total personality change.


Mother: Ah! Mrs. Knickerbaker exploded!
Son: Good thing too.
Mother: Ah! She was my best friend!
Son: Oh mother, don't be so semtimental. People explode everyday.
Mother: Yes. I suppose so. I don't know - I didn't like her really.


Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad.
Some things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle - don't grumble!
Give a whistle! And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And - always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the light side of life.
If life seems jolly rotten - There's something you've forgotten!
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
Life is quite absurd and that's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Always look on the bright side of death -
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
Life's a piece of spit when you look at it.
Laugh's a laugh and that's the joke it's true.
You'll see it's all a show - keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember the last laugh is on you.
Keep on laughing as you go.

-Monty Python

Untitled

I stroll upon the foremost page of your mind:
You are wondering how that little girl grew
and why she demands the world. You're dismayed -
you've done everything yet nothing.
Chided, consoled, disciplined, loved - fruitless!
Mold, compress, harness, restrain - desperate!
And why she demands the world.
You don't know it was offered in that first breath
of earthly living air and that
every morning it is a promise renewed -
offered again -
unholy and tainted
the incense of strife and success
and of adulthood and heartbreak
and of death and rebirth
Crisp origamis of lives on display.
People arrayed in all their 3 dimensional pain.
That is offered again - renewed -
tantilizing and unreal
borderless.
You are wondering. You've done everything yet nothing.

Vow:
Not until maturity crushes this tender promise
(complete with aspirations of a child)
will I cease to feel the joy of wanting the world.
Of yearning, desiring, striving, begging, wrecking, deceiving
for the world.
For it was offered in that first breath of living air
I want the world.

Surrendering

You were full and fully capable
You were self sufficient and needless
Your house was fully decorated in that sense

You were taken with me to a point
A case of careful what you wish for
But what you knew was enough to begin

And so you called and courted fiercely
So you reached out, entirely fearless
And yet you knew of reservation and how it serves

And I salute you for your courage
And I applaud your perseverance
And I embrace you for your faith in the face of adversarial forces
That I represent

So you were in but not entirely
You were up for this but not totally
You knew how arms length-ing can maintain doubt

And so you fell and you're intact
So you dove in and you're still breathing
So you jumped and you're still flying if not shocked

And I support you in your trusting
And I commend you for your wisdom
And I'm amazed by your surrender in the face of threatening forces
That I represent

You found creative ways to distance
You hid away from much through humor
Your choice of armor was your intellect

Self protection was in times of true danger
Your best defense to mistrust and be wary
Surrendering a feat of unequalled measure
And I'm thrilled to let you in
Overjoyed to be let in in kind

-Alanis Morisette

Disenchantment

[To Sarah, this is dedicated to you with a blessing: May your suitor get a clue. Soon.]

You failed to bring that debonair spark
I missed your sudden gleam when you entered -
there was no flash.
Maybe next time you'll do better.
[Next time]
Well, maybe not.
Okay: readjust my expectations that perhaps I'd set to high
Yes I knew you were mortal
I'd just forgotten
It got scrambled in that late-night calculation
when I also forgot you faults.
Surprising, you have quite a few.
Never noticed you cracked your knuckles
and clear your throat everytime you say "Heillldengaaard".
But of course that's fine - we all have our qurks
and physical flaws like your unusual ears and bow-shaped nose.
[Pause]
You never mentioned you are obsessed with Oprah
And that your kitchen floor has never seen a mop.
Your classic, careless wardrobe is beginning to look grundgy
(have you ever taken those pants to the cleaners?)
The half-lidded, smoky look that made me swoon
looks daft in broad daylight.
Sorry I didn't call last night [first time in two weeks].
No, not tomorrow. Maybe later [maybe never].
See ya.

[Sheepish laugh]

Whew.

That was close.

Black Horse & The Cherry Tree

Well my heart knows me better than I know myself
So I'm gonna let it do all the talking.
I came across a place in the middle of nowhere
With a big black horse and a cherry tree.

I fell in fear, upon my back
He said "Don't look back, just keep on walking."
When the big black horse said, "Hey lady!"
Said, "Look this way, will you marry me?"

But I said no, no, no, no-no-no
I said no, no. You're not the one for me
No, no, no, no-no-no
I said no, no. You're not the one for me

And my heart had a problem, in the early hours,
So I stopped it dead for a beat or two.
But I cut some cord, and I shouldn't have done that,
And it won't forgive me after all these years

So I sent it to a place in the middle of nowhere
With a big black horse and a cherry tree.
Now it won't come back, cause it's oh so happy
And now I've got a hole for the world to see


Big black horse and a cherry tree
I can't quite get there 'cause my heart's forsaken me
Big black horse and a cherry tree
No, no, no, no
I can't quite get there 'cause my heart's forsaken me

- KT Tunstall

A Solitary Triumph

[Statistics show that the number of criminal women is considerably less in proportion than that of male criminals.]

OH, the progress of Woman has really been vast

Since Civilization began.

She's usurped all the qualities which in the past

Were reckoned peculiar to Man.

She can score with a bat, use a rod or a cue;

Her tennis and golf are sublime.

Her aim with a gun is uncommonly true,

But Man beats her hollow at crime.

The strings to her bow are both varied and quaint;

There are maids who can work with the pen,

There are maids who can handle the palette and paint

With a skill that's not given to men.

There are ladies who preach, lady doctors there are,

MPs will be ladies in time,

And ladies, I hear, practise now at the Bar --

But Man holds the record for crime.

So it's hey for the jemmy, and ho for the drill,

And hurrah for the skeleton keys.

Oh, to burgle a house or to rifle a till!

I am more than her equal at these.

She may beat me at home, she may beat me afield;

In her way I admit she is prime.

But one palm at least I compel her to yield:

I can give her a lesson in crime.

-P.G. Wodehouse

The Accursed

Is this rediculous tune playing again?
What in hell -
Do you think you will hypotise me
insych with your reality?
Spewing the innards of this song
daemons, sloths, worms and spirits
convort onto this psuedo-nightmare of a dream
Do you believe I will fall for this
deathlike-pantomime?
My hope is deeper than your ocean of ruination
So play it again
So play it again
What in hell -
Do you think you will hypnotise me
insynch with your warped reality?
You existence is ephermeral
and this battle is supernatural
I will not buy into this death-like pantomime
An eternal being:
(living for more than merely today)
Should never buy into this death-like pantomime
(if only because there is life everlasting)

To a friend

Your voices sound distant yet warm
and I respond to your laughter and rediculous antics -
How a simple grammatical truth could be the subject
of such mockery is only possible in the closest of company.
You look so happy next to him as he struggles to express
deep affection through gentle teasing and sarcastic retorts.
Smiling, you understand.
You know it too -
You feel it, and it is right.

Afterglow

Just when the days start getting colder,
I walk the streets I never knew.
There's some words I never told you.
The sound rings out like the truth.


As I sit here in this dark room, all I seem to feel is light.
I see color, I see the maroon in the blood of this life...
That's ours.

Watch the sun it paints an orange sky.
Lay me down and feel the days gone by.

Just when the days start getting longer,
I walk the streets I never knew...
The sun comes out for you.

And if you could see what's come over me,
then you would know.
'Cause I'm walking free.
The wind at my back, bathed in afterglow.

-Vanessa Carlton

Speed Dating

Step right up

Take'em down

Duckies in a row

Ping ping ping

Score!

(Big time)

Move on.

Victorian

Covert glances in public places
muted whispers and calling cards.
Restraining -
refraining -
waiting for your cue, your implicit nuance -
a hint of lust?
Never black and white (never hit it on)
Only smooth lilac, cream, and emerald.
We dance a painstaking masquerade in low-lit halls
as aquaintances and distant music meld
into the background of our
- Waxen Set-up -
Position Here:
Hand behind back, face behind fan, heart behind form.
Hair severe, rouge thick, lips closed.
Satins entrap heavy breathing -
Perfumes mask fervent feeling -
restraining
refraining
poised in a perfect tableaux
waiting for you.

Vehicle and Animals

It's the simple things like the robots Stevie G draws
and the ease with which we seem to pull those tricks.
There are moments of escape for every one of us
and the beauty in the times that we create.
I saw you smiling
and I need my vehicles and animals and I will be alright.
Take me back to nineteen-seventy-nine so I can find my open eyes.
He can play all by himself for many hours
I have never seen a kid who's so content.
There is nothing from the outside that can touch him
'cause he's just learning how to be alone with one.
Lying down on my bed Ijust got another kick to the head
oh yeah you're a part of me yet another branch on the family tree.
Slt on my fingers,salt in my cuts,salt on my face and salt in my guts.
I's been a battle but we've come through
okaytop what you're doing and play.
'Cuse we've got our vehicles and animals
so we're gonna be alright there's no need for us to go back in time.
Bcause we've found our open eyes
Weve got our vehicles and animals so we're gonna be alright.

-Athlete

Sanctified

Now we have not received the Spirit of the World, but the Spirit who is from God, in order to know what has been freely given by God. . . Don't you know that you are God's sanctuary and that the Spirit of God lives in you? If anyone ruins God's sanctuary, God will ruin him; for God's sanctuary is holy, and that is what you are. . . Do you not know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought at a price; therefore, glorify God in your body.

-1 Corinthians 2:12, 3:16-17, 6:19-20

Introduction to Poetry

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to waterski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.

- Billy Collins "The Apple that Astonished Paris"

Simply Ghastly

Exclamation point stare
Drop jaw prickle scalp
halt shift rubber neck
shudder fun hide fast

Fashion faux pas.

Ever-Fixed Mark

Development/growth/expansion
are too scientific/economic
for the language of love -
They exclude from its vision
possibilities of remaining/eternally
with him/forever.

Industrial Consumption

A burning intensity consumes all
except the mounting debris of loose
carbon ash and dreams
swept into the wastepan tucked
neatly underneath the sterile desk
of your conscious thoughts.

Pity Bath

What does not break you leaves you bitter
I watched that expression before
a mingling of resentment and bleeding wounds
revealing your past upon that sketch blank.
History claws into your heart
staining the delicate future hope.
Play that self-pity chord again
Pull the empathy from the crowd
Would their shallow mourning lessen the burn?
How can they know - How you have suffered -
Wasn't it all against the rules?
So life's not fair (not fair)
(but a future's beautiful).
Shake those bitter scales let them fall as dead
forsake them for hope.
A sketch blank renewed.
I watched that expression before
what does not break you leaves you with a
past.

The Luck of the Bodkins

Too damn silly, he felt, her asking a thing like that when for days he had been going out of his way to make it abundantly clear what his feelings were towards her. An intelligent girl like herself, he meant to say, was surely aware that a fellow does not look at her the way he had been looking, squeeze her hand the way he had been squeezing it and kiss her on dark decks the way he had been kissing her, unless he means something by it.

Reginald: "I've loved you ever since you nearly twisted my neck off that first day."
Mabel: "Great."
Reginald: "I started worshipping you at that precise moment."
Mabel: "Swell."
Reginald: "And day by day in every way it's getting worse and worse ever since."
Mabel: "Don't you mean better and better?"
Reginald: "No, I don't mean better and better. I mean worse and worse. And why? Because it's hopeless. Abso-bally-hopeless."
Mabel: "Hopeless? Why? If what's worrying you is that you think I don't love you, dismiss that notion. I'm crazy about you."
Reginald: "You are?"
Mabel: "Dippy."
Reginald: "Would you marry me if I asked you?"
Mabel: "I'm going to marry you even if you don't ask me."

-P G Whodehouse

Daylight Robbery

Don't mind me - Just cruising by -
by the girl with the balloon.
Good, it looks like we're the only ones around.
Caught on CCTV - Heading towards the city lights
Winking diamonds at me, arms stretched out now.
Ha-oooooooooo, it gets me everytime.
Sexy baby, Happiness and silhouettes,
Revolving in the deep water.
Indigo its high tide,night sky, pleasure moment.
Thinking big thinking positive and itching to get on with it
Its all stops out.
Excess is the new moderation
Get all dressed up to the power of ten
Raise glasses on repeat, again, again, again, again, again, again
Ha-ooooo it gets me everytime, wade in the sonic joy
Pleasure in the wave and synchronise
Sway in the sonic joy.

-Imogen Heap

Rebirth

Drop all hindrances
Be renewed
Press onward
God willing
We will survive
Unscathed and reborn
Gleaming and clean
An offering to you
My Savior

Let me write as unto you -