One would think embarking on 20 would be so exciting.
But no, it's only brought confusion and struggling and a great deal of heart ache. I've forced myself into a situation that I didn't want and I'm almost too terrified of the future to pull myself out.
I might have an opportunity to move out of my home and I'm thrilled - but like so many times before, I'm frightened to take the leap. All talk, no walk. I tell myself that if finances were not a barrier, that I'd leave for my own place without hesitation. I don't know if I would, but I need to prove something to myself.
My timeline of life is so screwed up. I matured too fast, graduated too early, and left behind a lovely childhood without fully becoming an adult. I cannot stand the idea of graduating in the spring because in some sense it will signal the end to my adolescence- and I'm loathe to give that up before I experience it!
I'm bad at decisions. Either I make the wrong one or I never decide at all.
I want to accept the housing offer. I've already mentioned it to my parents and they discussed every disadvantage to the idea. But pleasing them is a lost cause, and something I've realized will not happen. Regardless of whether I move out this fall or next spring or next year, they will have some objection to my decision. Yes, there is logic to waiting a few more months and saving money, but the truth is I believe that moving is a good decision, and if I land a decent job, I will.
I know that permanency is the most terrifying concept to me... Like permanency of lifelong decisions... Of unbreakable contracts. Love, in my opinion, should be an unbreakable contract. As is marriage, and motherhood. How do I fight this? Pray and work towards contentment? Sure, sure. I'm afraid my drive towards randomization and multi-faceted, sparkly ideas will push someone away from me. And I become furious when I'm alone, I know this now. There's nothing like being locked inside myself. It's miserable. And all the pain of my thoughts sits in my stomach especially. I dislike eating alone, cooking alone, driving alone, and thinking alone, and reading alone, and deciding things alone. This aloneness is absolutely essential right now - but that doesn't make me hate it less.
I have all these ideas, and all this experience, and all these good things in my life. Yet as much as I enjoy them, it's a taunting pleasure because I cannot see the pattern that God is working. He hasn't revealed his plan to me, and I feel too apathetic to ask him to explain or demand why he hasn't. I can just sit back and watch as these opportunities fall into my lap. When I sort them through the pieces never fit. It's so frustrating.
I've been listening to an awful lot of The Shins lately. I try Death Cab and Copeland and Regina but their music is too heartbreaking. Lovedrug kinda helps too, like always. And true to form my radio stays fixed on 103.5 and I'm too melancholy to be embarrassed.
Old Towne Coffee Shop will become a permanent fixture in my life, I can tell. The environment, wonderful coffee and outdoor gazebo are very soothing to my soul. The good company is so good too.
Summer classes are going well, with projects coming to a close. I'm behind in everything because I couldn't study anything for over a week, but I'm trying to complete things now before they are due. I've decided that school is not worth stressing over, in any way. I have too many other academic and leadership outlets to test and prove myself in than to worry about exam grades. So that's that. I was offered the position of Chair of Community Health by the local chapter of NSNA that I accepted. I'm thrilled about the responsibility and am already in the rudimentary stages of planning with some of my committee members. It's sure to be a great project - much more information to come.
Thanks for listening.
-----------------
Garden State: "This song will change you life," she said while leaning in towards his reserved hesitant figure sitting in the neurologists waiting room and she placed the large earphones over his head and watched his face as the music played on. He started realizing, with her nearby, that feeling things, once more, might be nice.
---------------------
This goose is cooked, these tongues are tied
Around the block an airborne blight -
But looking on the brighter side
There's far less to which I'd be obliged
In the meadow where the black breeze blows,
where underneath the waves you were most alone -
Can you hear the subtle, aching tone?
Through the water, through the earth,
chill the bones.
-The Shins
Posts
