There are, at times,
no explanations and no reason.
We're asked to accept and embrace
the unknown with faith.
But mine doesn't look the same as yours.
Life, that is.
My calling isn't yours and nope, it won't even resemble it.
You've hurt me, I've hurt you, but there's
not much to redeem when you're already redeemed in mercy.
Don't plan on me or cast your bet.
'Cause I don't know what "future" is.
I'm clinging to the ever-precious now.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
1.21.2010
1.13.2010
On the arrow
Nicholas Franklin, photographer.
The above are from my first shoot of the year. Beginning 2010 with a fitness theme was appropriate, no? I simply love to create... Although I will perform above and beyond to produce what the photographer desires, the products of a shoot aren't nearly as important as the process behind them. This particular shoot began at 10pm in a dojo that Nicholas' roommate manages (connections: never-underestimate). The ceiling was low, the colors were ugly, the mats needed a deep cleaning, and the whole thing reeked of sweat. But it was what we needed. Nicholas had limitations in lighting and wide angles, and I had never performed this physically for a shoot before, so we trial-and-errored our way through a few obstacles. The results were more than satisfactory.
Perhaps modeling is the most unusual dream job hobby I have. And it's helped along considerably due to the excellent photographers I'm privileged to know: Nicholas Franklin, Marc Turnley, Tyler Pierce, Jonathan McKnight, Joe Davis - and the boy who discovered me - John Crabtree. I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to learn and practice with such talented, patient artists. Thank you, guys.
I'm excited to announce that Rocket Magazine has been printed and distributed in the North Alabama area! Do pick up a copy and peruse (I'm in there!) It was my first professional gig, and an all-around terrific experience. Glenn Mitchell, as the magazine's artistic director and owner of (shine)Salon in Decatur, coordinated the shoot that was featured in this month's edition. Photographer, Jennifer Culp.
As for the holidays, that so speedily whizzed past in a flurry of parties, coffee dates, sleeping, working, and gift wrapping, they were wonderful. Spending extra quality with my family and friends revived my entire attitude on life. They are all supportive, and kind, and funny and loving, and I pray I won't grow as distant to them this upcoming semester as I did in the fall. Nope, I won't let that happen.
My Christmas party....
Tyler Pierce, photographer (all above)
2009 took me down many new paths, from which I have grown so much. There were moments, dashes in my line, asterisks in my notes.... there was my first heartbreak... my first C in a class... I've failed... I've succeeded... I led and directed... I traveled.... I had adventures.... I moved away... I pulled nearer... I was foolish... I was helpful... I gained awards... I lost a friend... and my granny and my uncle passed on from illnesses. And there was, at some point, a complete shedding of my teenage years. Which came in part with accepting that my age and maturity level were merging; I'm almost as old as I have acted for years. Today, I am about halfway through 20, and my attitude is one of gratitude for the gifts of time and experience. I'm progressing towards graduation in May with a BSN. I'm thrilled to be here.
Prayer: I won't rush the process or stress over the piles of work, but accept the days and assignments one by one.
Dear 2010: Resolutions are useful tools...as long as you actually use them. I've resolved to make several small changes that will move me towards being increasingly productive with the time and materials given to me. How this will actually look in my life have yet to be seen, but I'm turning to my friends for accountability. Two life goals: I desire to live with a grateful, content spirit that shuns stagnation and apathy. And that I root myself further in God's joy and peace.
12.10.2009
What children will teach, what adults will learn
Last week while nannying the one and-a-half year old 'buster brown', I noticed the clean light on the dishwasher and began to put the dishes away. The little one had just woken from his nap, and was lightly padding about the kitchen clutching his stuffed lamb. I talked to him as I usually do, explaining the nonsense of grown-up worlds while putting away all the glassware, and he listened in silence, watching me with moon-pie eyes. I grabbed a hand-full of utensils from the basket and turned to place them in the drawer. Hearing a slight shuffle directly behind me, I looked down to see him grasping a fork in his free hand, presenting it up to me. "Why, buster brown, thank you for your help!" I exclaimed, while placing the fork in the drawer. "That's very kind, the fork goes exactly there!" His face broke into a beaming grin, and he toddled across the kitchen to the dishwasher, grasped another fork, and toddled it back over to me. I took it from him, exclaimed my thanks, and he beamed at me all over again. This process repeated until the entire utensil basket was emptied. His attention was unflagging, and each time I sung the praise for his helpfulness, his grin grew wider.
I waited patiently during the long process, being delivered each utensil one by one, but it didn't matter the length of time I stood there. I would have waited twice as long. Seeing the precious earnestness of his desire to help and how he initiated his part to help was wonderful, and the positive reinforcement received from being thanked, over and over, for his voluntary efforts, was worth far more than saving ten minutes. It was worth giving everything to, because little buster brown is designing a pattern of thought right now, everyday, in response to the adults around him. It is worth everything to see that pattern be good and pure and kind.
The fall semester of nursing school ended on a very high note! The week of finals was admittedly very difficult, however, I was determined to spend every moment I could in the library, where I could truly focus, and memorize the key exam materials. The standardized examinations, called HESI, were Thursday and Friday for pediatrics and medical-surgical II, respectively. The spring 2010 precepting positions are granted according to HESI test scores and a random number lottery. I.e., if you've drawn number 1 out of 145 students, and score a 1000+ HESI, you will receive first dibs on any precepting position, anywhere, anytime. The HESI scoring system is bizarre and unexplainable. Two students can easily miss 15 questions, mostly the same, yet receive scores of at least a 100 points difference. And the questions themselves are hard. I missed 11 and scored a 987, and drew number 22 in the lottery. I'm praying this means I'll land my ideal preceptorship: Emergency room, at the larger hospital, pm-am shift.
At the end of the semester reviews, I went in to talk with my clinical advisor, Ms B, who was the course manager of Fundamentals, teaches clinical pediatrics, and will be the course manager of Community Health in the spring. She's a delightful older woman who is smart, kind, and to the point, and I have appreciated having her as my instructor throughout the program. To give me my course performance evaluation, which always sounds so daunting...I sat in her office while she scrambled papers and we talked about the past semesters high-points. She handed me my eval which I was supposed to read and sign, however I am still horrible at interpreting handwriting and it had to be read to me, like a baby. But after listening to her words, which turned out to be the highest praise, I could feel myself becoming very, extremely, emotional. It ended with her looking at me, saying "You have something special in you, and you will go very far in all your career endeavors."
Sometimes I just don't know what I am, who I am, where I am, and worst of all, what I am supposed to be. Isn't there supposed to be some answers around here when you're older? I can feel so fractured. Of course I did wonderful this semester, I always do. I promise I am not being fake...I just don't ever fail. You want a performance? I can perform. I can give what is desired. But what do I desire? ....I want to tell a story, feel emotions, have compassion, give like a sun, be wild like waves, hide like dark, whole and together. Just don't splinter me, don't ask me to be only one, or demand I settle down, stay off my convictions. I desire to be mature, I am responsible, but I'm very ready to leave this part behind, to turn the page. I am ready for my initiation. God's growing me right here today, in the way He desires me...but I think He's placed a doorway in my future...and I pray I get to turn the handle.
I waited patiently during the long process, being delivered each utensil one by one, but it didn't matter the length of time I stood there. I would have waited twice as long. Seeing the precious earnestness of his desire to help and how he initiated his part to help was wonderful, and the positive reinforcement received from being thanked, over and over, for his voluntary efforts, was worth far more than saving ten minutes. It was worth giving everything to, because little buster brown is designing a pattern of thought right now, everyday, in response to the adults around him. It is worth everything to see that pattern be good and pure and kind.
The fall semester of nursing school ended on a very high note! The week of finals was admittedly very difficult, however, I was determined to spend every moment I could in the library, where I could truly focus, and memorize the key exam materials. The standardized examinations, called HESI, were Thursday and Friday for pediatrics and medical-surgical II, respectively. The spring 2010 precepting positions are granted according to HESI test scores and a random number lottery. I.e., if you've drawn number 1 out of 145 students, and score a 1000+ HESI, you will receive first dibs on any precepting position, anywhere, anytime. The HESI scoring system is bizarre and unexplainable. Two students can easily miss 15 questions, mostly the same, yet receive scores of at least a 100 points difference. And the questions themselves are hard. I missed 11 and scored a 987, and drew number 22 in the lottery. I'm praying this means I'll land my ideal preceptorship: Emergency room, at the larger hospital, pm-am shift.
At the end of the semester reviews, I went in to talk with my clinical advisor, Ms B, who was the course manager of Fundamentals, teaches clinical pediatrics, and will be the course manager of Community Health in the spring. She's a delightful older woman who is smart, kind, and to the point, and I have appreciated having her as my instructor throughout the program. To give me my course performance evaluation, which always sounds so daunting...I sat in her office while she scrambled papers and we talked about the past semesters high-points. She handed me my eval which I was supposed to read and sign, however I am still horrible at interpreting handwriting and it had to be read to me, like a baby. But after listening to her words, which turned out to be the highest praise, I could feel myself becoming very, extremely, emotional. It ended with her looking at me, saying "You have something special in you, and you will go very far in all your career endeavors."
Sometimes I just don't know what I am, who I am, where I am, and worst of all, what I am supposed to be. Isn't there supposed to be some answers around here when you're older? I can feel so fractured. Of course I did wonderful this semester, I always do. I promise I am not being fake...I just don't ever fail. You want a performance? I can perform. I can give what is desired. But what do I desire? ....I want to tell a story, feel emotions, have compassion, give like a sun, be wild like waves, hide like dark, whole and together. Just don't splinter me, don't ask me to be only one, or demand I settle down, stay off my convictions. I desire to be mature, I am responsible, but I'm very ready to leave this part behind, to turn the page. I am ready for my initiation. God's growing me right here today, in the way He desires me...but I think He's placed a doorway in my future...and I pray I get to turn the handle.
11.16.2009
I'll paint you a picture that breaks the rule of thirds
I feel like bursting from the seams. God is orchestrating the most inexplicable design in my life, and whenever I catch glimpses of what could be I just want to burst from joy! Life is difficult and sorrowful and a challenge everyday, however God always provides the strength and stamina when you ask! After hardships and bouts of discouragement this semester, there's a revitalization in the coincidences that have dominoed into place.
Okay, here's the shimmy: In summer 2008 my friend Michelle Brightwell asked if I'd like to take some photos on Monte Sano. Then in November of that year, my friend Tyler Pierce asked if I'd like to walk downtown and take some photos. Then Tyler asked me to come to the North Alabama Photographer's Guild (NAPG) in February for a lighting session, where I met several extremely talented photographers, including Nicholas Franklin. Then throughout the spring different opportunities arrived for me to shoot with different people and a variety of photo concepts, including photographer John Crabtree and stylist Laurie Brandon. Then I recently met Atlanta photographer Marc Turnley when he invited me to another NAPG photoshoot after watching my Flickr photostream expand with Nicholas' photos. Then last week while Tyler was shooting around downtown a photographer named Roland from Captured Moments photography approached him about collaborating, and when Roland saw Tyler's portfolio he pointed me out, saying he wanted to meet me and even that, perhaps, he'd met me before. Well, he had. Roland and I met during the Huntsville casting call for America's Next Top Model, where Roland commented on my portfolio and said he wanted to shoot with me, which never happened. So Tyler emailed Roland's information to me and I set-up an appointment to meet Diana Henry, Roland's photography partner and now Vice President of Smith and Yorgure. Diana is currently searching for new, unsigned talent to front Smith and Yorgure's national fashion launch in the spring, and will be referring me to the designer's for their approval.
Please note, I have not lifted one single tiny pinky finger for any of this to happen. Everything has been in God's hands. It's all been word of mouth. It's all been random, it's all been surprising. And whatever God is sending my way is bound to leave me scratching my head in wonderment. How can I claim any glory from the way my life trails out and upwards? And this is merely the modelling - do not get me started on theatre, acting, and voice performance. That's another collection of coincidental stories for another potential post!
Down to earth again. Sigh. Academically....things are terrible. Grades are poor, and certainly not reflecting the effort I'm extending into studying! It's incredibly discouraging. Maybe there's a lesson in there, somewhere, I dunno. However, I'm burying myself in HESI and NCLEX review books from now until December 5th. I apologize in advance for the extended absence.
What I've reflected on many time this past week is how I desire to be an Esther. Since I was young, when mom purchased me a beautiful illustrated book of Esther's story, she was my role model. Esther was a jewish teenager, exiled, orphaned, and living with a caring uncle in one of the largest cities of the gentile nations. Her reputation of beauty and purity was known, such that the king's officials rounded her up during a nationwide quest for the perfect woman. What were her thoughts? Was she pleased, flattered? Did she resist? Was she bored and anything sounded exciting at that point? Actually, there's every indication that she was respectful, intelligent and kind. She agreed to attend, changed her name like her uncle Mordecai suggested, asked for advice from servants, grew in favor to the harem chamber's manager, and entertained a king enough to become his queen with "more approval and favor than any other of the virgins." Actually, she also "won approval in the sight of everyone who saw her." What an incredible reputation! She enraptured the king that ruled the 127 provinces in the India, and was clever, bold and obedient enough to dissuade his decision to commit a mass murder of the jewish inhabitants. The story is powerful to me.
Considering Esther's story, I think over the implications of such an incredible life... Yet what would we have assumed if we were watching this unfold from the outside? What if our next door neighbor was recruited in a beauty contest to spend a year of spa preparations for being with the king? And think of the criteria of virginity - she was living in a culture that celebrated sexual acts as part of their worship to many gods, a country where the king himself demanded that his first queen "show off her beauty" for his guests and then divorced her when she refused. What did her neighbors, her girlfriends, her relatives think when she left for the palace? Esther was indeed an unusual woman in an unusual position, yet this is where God's path led her. She was exactly where she needed to be, wielding exactly what influence required, to change the mind of a temperamental ruler of nations. Her act of faith and self-sacrifice was performed after much prayer and with complete reliance on God, declaring "If I die, I die." How amazing. Esther rose to the pinnacle of favor in the eyes of men as the queen, she had everything she ever desired, yet she stood in her royal robes and gilded chamber after listening to Mordecai's plea and surrendered it all to follow God's calling and save her people. This story has been spilling over into my thoughts so much, and I just pray I can one day have the faith that Esther exhibited.
My uncle Greg passed away last Tuesday without recovering from his coma. My aunt Kathy is distraught, and clings to the small comfort that there was no indication of suffering during his illness and coma. In addition to this blow, she must put two of her horses down because of an infection and a disability. These life changing events have left her alone, mourning, directionless, and deeply in debt. Please pray for Kathy as she is in this place of sorrow, and for the wisdom for my family to help her. We are saddened, but have hope that towards the end of Greg's life he was receptive to God and his word.
Sunday night Journey Group #WHJG is such a blessing. It is an incredible way to end a week/begin a new one, surrounded by a variety of interesting people and enjoying good conversations about Jesus. The environment is open and encouraging...to have a genuine church community surrounding you is amazing.
And...um...I hate to break the fourth wall, you know, but...I've been receiving much encouragement from friends and anonymous readers of my blog, so thank you! I sincerely appreciate all your comments! And scene. ^_^
//Let me talk to you! ((snapshot)) I love beauty and awkwardness and anything I can discover and I rarely dislike anything and dull things sparkle but are as hard as diamonds and there's always a back story and yet another level.//
[Post title from Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip '1000 Words'
Okay, here's the shimmy: In summer 2008 my friend Michelle Brightwell asked if I'd like to take some photos on Monte Sano. Then in November of that year, my friend Tyler Pierce asked if I'd like to walk downtown and take some photos. Then Tyler asked me to come to the North Alabama Photographer's Guild (NAPG) in February for a lighting session, where I met several extremely talented photographers, including Nicholas Franklin. Then throughout the spring different opportunities arrived for me to shoot with different people and a variety of photo concepts, including photographer John Crabtree and stylist Laurie Brandon. Then I recently met Atlanta photographer Marc Turnley when he invited me to another NAPG photoshoot after watching my Flickr photostream expand with Nicholas' photos. Then last week while Tyler was shooting around downtown a photographer named Roland from Captured Moments photography approached him about collaborating, and when Roland saw Tyler's portfolio he pointed me out, saying he wanted to meet me and even that, perhaps, he'd met me before. Well, he had. Roland and I met during the Huntsville casting call for America's Next Top Model, where Roland commented on my portfolio and said he wanted to shoot with me, which never happened. So Tyler emailed Roland's information to me and I set-up an appointment to meet Diana Henry, Roland's photography partner and now Vice President of Smith and Yorgure. Diana is currently searching for new, unsigned talent to front Smith and Yorgure's national fashion launch in the spring, and will be referring me to the designer's for their approval.
Please note, I have not lifted one single tiny pinky finger for any of this to happen. Everything has been in God's hands. It's all been word of mouth. It's all been random, it's all been surprising. And whatever God is sending my way is bound to leave me scratching my head in wonderment. How can I claim any glory from the way my life trails out and upwards? And this is merely the modelling - do not get me started on theatre, acting, and voice performance. That's another collection of coincidental stories for another potential post!
Down to earth again. Sigh. Academically....things are terrible. Grades are poor, and certainly not reflecting the effort I'm extending into studying! It's incredibly discouraging. Maybe there's a lesson in there, somewhere, I dunno. However, I'm burying myself in HESI and NCLEX review books from now until December 5th. I apologize in advance for the extended absence.
What I've reflected on many time this past week is how I desire to be an Esther. Since I was young, when mom purchased me a beautiful illustrated book of Esther's story, she was my role model. Esther was a jewish teenager, exiled, orphaned, and living with a caring uncle in one of the largest cities of the gentile nations. Her reputation of beauty and purity was known, such that the king's officials rounded her up during a nationwide quest for the perfect woman. What were her thoughts? Was she pleased, flattered? Did she resist? Was she bored and anything sounded exciting at that point? Actually, there's every indication that she was respectful, intelligent and kind. She agreed to attend, changed her name like her uncle Mordecai suggested, asked for advice from servants, grew in favor to the harem chamber's manager, and entertained a king enough to become his queen with "more approval and favor than any other of the virgins." Actually, she also "won approval in the sight of everyone who saw her." What an incredible reputation! She enraptured the king that ruled the 127 provinces in the India, and was clever, bold and obedient enough to dissuade his decision to commit a mass murder of the jewish inhabitants. The story is powerful to me.
Considering Esther's story, I think over the implications of such an incredible life... Yet what would we have assumed if we were watching this unfold from the outside? What if our next door neighbor was recruited in a beauty contest to spend a year of spa preparations for being with the king? And think of the criteria of virginity - she was living in a culture that celebrated sexual acts as part of their worship to many gods, a country where the king himself demanded that his first queen "show off her beauty" for his guests and then divorced her when she refused. What did her neighbors, her girlfriends, her relatives think when she left for the palace? Esther was indeed an unusual woman in an unusual position, yet this is where God's path led her. She was exactly where she needed to be, wielding exactly what influence required, to change the mind of a temperamental ruler of nations. Her act of faith and self-sacrifice was performed after much prayer and with complete reliance on God, declaring "If I die, I die." How amazing. Esther rose to the pinnacle of favor in the eyes of men as the queen, she had everything she ever desired, yet she stood in her royal robes and gilded chamber after listening to Mordecai's plea and surrendered it all to follow God's calling and save her people. This story has been spilling over into my thoughts so much, and I just pray I can one day have the faith that Esther exhibited.
My uncle Greg passed away last Tuesday without recovering from his coma. My aunt Kathy is distraught, and clings to the small comfort that there was no indication of suffering during his illness and coma. In addition to this blow, she must put two of her horses down because of an infection and a disability. These life changing events have left her alone, mourning, directionless, and deeply in debt. Please pray for Kathy as she is in this place of sorrow, and for the wisdom for my family to help her. We are saddened, but have hope that towards the end of Greg's life he was receptive to God and his word.
Sunday night Journey Group #WHJG is such a blessing. It is an incredible way to end a week/begin a new one, surrounded by a variety of interesting people and enjoying good conversations about Jesus. The environment is open and encouraging...to have a genuine church community surrounding you is amazing.
And...um...I hate to break the fourth wall, you know, but...I've been receiving much encouragement from friends and anonymous readers of my blog, so thank you! I sincerely appreciate all your comments! And scene. ^_^
//Let me talk to you! ((snapshot)) I love beauty and awkwardness and anything I can discover and I rarely dislike anything and dull things sparkle but are as hard as diamonds and there's always a back story and yet another level.//
[Post title from Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip '1000 Words'
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