Oh, the brilliant lights.

I'm visiting New York City and it's marvelous.

My day-dreamy love-affair with NYC has always been just that. Daydreams. I had the wonderful experience of visiting for five days with Anne and her mom for both our High School senior trips. Mrs Pam is an adventurous, sweet lady and we zipped up and down the city to see all the tours and show she had arranged: touring the UN, backstage at the Metropolitan Opera and seeing Avida, seeing Wicked on Broadway and Il Divo at Carnegie Hall, and touring the Metropolitan Museum of Art - as well as enjoying the local pizza, coffee, and cupcake shops. Since then, NYC was like a fuzzy dream in my head and I couldn't wait for the opportunity to visit again, and wishing deep-down for the opportunity to move there. I told myself that once I graduated, I would visit. So now I am.

I asked my friend Emily, a NYC resident of five years now, if I could stay with her, and it all worked out beautifully. With the encouragement of my boss and co-worker I set up dates in mid-August, which is when I felt I should go, and bought the ticket a month ago. Since arriving here late Thursday afternoon, I have seen Times Square, 'Chicago' on Broadway, the movie 'Expendables', the Museum of Natural History, 'Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind' by the Neofuturists, three New York City markets, 2 fantastic coffee shops, the lower east side, the upper west side, Midtown, Harlem, Central Park, the observatory of the Empire State building at night, Seaport, Wall Street, shopped through 5th Ave, and ate a ton of food and spent time with some wonderful friends.

And I still have three more days here. ((^_^))

When I think of the nitty-gritty of being back in Huntsville in a few days, I feel.... frustration at the Alabama Board of Nursing, because the renewal requirements for a recently registered nurses are vague and contradictory, and their website format sucks. Annoyance because my website bookmarks to hundreds of websites have become unbearably disorganized and I don't know an efficient way to fix them, thus making me hate browsing the web when I need to. Nervousness because it'll remind me that I have a mere three weeks to find a job and a place to live in Nashville and the lil-engine-that-could attitude towards it all is sometimes challenging to maintain. Anxious because my room is in varying stages of packed/unpacked/donate/yard sale/debatable stacks and boxes and in piles in my closet and I just...can't...handle...the chaos.

However, it's okay. Because I'm visiting New York City. And when I get back from this brilliant adventure, I'll tackle my responsibilities one day at a time. Until then, I'm gonna breathe this all in.

Reality as prevention

You know that feeling of giddiness that you're loath to acknowledge is even there... and once it is you start begging for the reality of it all to set in and hit hard... for the screen to slip and infatuation to end before hurt or fears can overtake you in a side-blind... before you feel that chagrin of loss and a frustration in your heart and you flinch against the remembrance that actually- you really like that person. So just stop it all when you feel an undeniable draw into the unknown that is that-

but you really like him.

Asynchrony

Very little in my life feels coherent at the moment. It all seems quite spastic and tire-spinning - between academics, extracurricular academics, working a couple part-time jobs, personal wanderings, and concrete decisions that are looming in the near future. I'm here and there and far too many places at once. I have one weekend this month where I should literally be three different places doing three very different important things, so chose to do the one that's most precious to me - being a bridesmaid in a dear friend's wedding.

I say it's all incoherent because nothing progresses, nothing is collective, nothing seems to advance towards one goal. It's too hurry-scurry, involving small-time accomplishments. My spirit is quiet though... I reached a peace about many decisions, particularly the decision that I'm not making decisions until I see God's direction in my life. I attended a women's conference called True Woman in Chattanooga last weekend with my mother and a few close friends, and that also helped calm my impetuous spirit. I cannot do anything without God's grace, and He has been pouring it out freely, so I can carry on with my responsibilities with great success. So where all this is leading towards, if leading anything, and where I'll be going next fall, is in the unknown.

I completed precepting on Monday evening/Tuesday morning. CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?! Hallelujah. What a relief that is. Many scholastic goals are still to come but the pressure of working in fifteen 12-hour night shifts in the hospital during a normal week is over. It's the homestretch, folks. I can feel the easy breezy summer a-comin'!

Thank you for the feedback on my graduation dress decision! I decided on the Salmon and buttoned and old-fashioned dress, because although it was the second in votes, it was my favorite when I tried it on. I've found a beautiful pair of shoes to purchase, so I'll soon have the entire outfit!

Here's a blessing that is proving to be a glimmer of my future... Yet again an opportunity has fallen into my lap... Sure, I asked for it in spirit but not in so many words. While at my dearest friend Anne's home concert with Stephen Gordon in Birmingham (which reminds me, he's returning to Huntsville for a show in April! Details to come!) I met Alex, a Samford student. He has written and will be directing a short film as a school project for his minor in film, and after talking throughout the night he offered for me to help by acting in his film. I'm thrilled, because the closest I've come to a film crew was downtown Huntsville watching a commercial being shot, and learning in a comfortable environment about the methods and challenges of film acting is a huge opportunity!

Well.... it's just another beautiful note in the asynchrony of life.

But dude. April will be quite busy.

Okay, this must stop.

I am over-committed. Always.

To too much. And, I demand of myself that I give one hundred percent to everything. If it's something I signed up for - no being lackadaisical. And I keep pressing forward under this impression that I can do everything. Which isn't true. I'll let things slip and projects will fall apart and I'll become emotionally unstable.

I really do do everything. And I can perform excellently in many areas of my life without strain. But if there reaches a point where I cannot draw a line, I cannot say no, when it is my method for hiding, then I need to step back and reassess my compulsions.

I don't want this pattern in my life. I am beginning to stop this, starting tonight.

Er. This morning.

Real Time Report

Listening to the State of the Union Address tonight is tons of fun - on mute. /ahem. Well, I am actually listening...after all. The body language is fascinating - Obama lifts up his chin and to the side when introduced and addressed directly, clasps his hands and points his fingers rather often while speaking. His delivery is extremely staccato, never finishing a sentence without a pause, yet he rarely stumbles or mistakes a word. I like how he says how he cut taxes for the students, the working moms, the poor. Yep. I'd like it better if he said "cut taxes for every citizen, because they're the ones paying our asses to be here." [SIT DOWN PILOSI! Good grief woman.] Biden looks very engaged and supportive, with just enough of a downturned lip to show stern empathy for the American people's plight. [STOP APPLAUDING, Obama's not saying anything worth hearing but I still want to listen.]

Such empty words. You say all the right things, dear President, and you are a good man. But I can't help but feeling, can't help but seeing, you are well-meaning college-graduate community politician playing with our lives. Do you have the wisdom to improve our country, long term? To cut-back and streamline expenditures? [What's that about a jobs bill? HAHA half the house stayed sitting.] To create a trickle-down method in the economy by giving the working middle class and all business owners the tax breaks to grow, invest, spend and create jobs for those who need them? Do you realize the working middle class is America's strongest hope, and your taxes will kill it? [That's right, you'll do to health care what you want, when you want, right?]

Lobbyists want to kill the health care bill? Really? How about half the American population? Because these citizens have experienced the money-draining government programs, and seen how they spiral into debt and into barely-sustained chaos, so they can't fathom what the government could screw-up with this monstrous bill. [Disagree with WHAT SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE? THAT EVOLUTION IS IMPOSSIBLE? Oh wait. Climate change. Never mind.]

Mr President. Please rethink your logic. If you want to save this country, you're doing it all wrong. [You reward success? Really? YOU DON'T GIVE TAX BREAKS TO THE WORKING MIDDLE CLASS! They earned their degree, their earned their job, and they're working. What's not to reward?] [Since when did a high school degree guarantee a good job? The 1950's?] [After 20 years, a student loan debt is dropped? How do you plan to fund that? Obama pixie dust?? Education is not a right. It is a privilege, Mr President.]

[Aww, Michelle. You're nice. And smart. I think you're a little micromanaging, 'tho...did you really just motion everyone in the house to sit? Haha.]

And I'd like to mention that there is free health care in America. It's called the Emergency Room. You can be seen, treated, and discharged. Yes, it is racking up our debt. But your health care bill will rack it up so much more. [All before you walked in the door? Classy. Very classy stab at a former president. Low form, Obama.] [Freeze government spending? Sounds good. Show me.] [Let's NOT try common sense. Let's try wisdom. Okay?]

When there is a bill as intrusive and pan-american as this, the control and and legalities the government will place on us will come too. It's inevitable. Freedom's will be lost. Are you overweight? Do you smoke? Do you get speeding tickets? Do you have a hazardous job? A genetic disorder? A genetic predisposition? Do you recreationally drink? Do you think the government won't be biased against you? After all, they will control your healthcare. And you are a health liability. Being fat, a smoker, and have a mother with breast cancer will buy you a ticket to health care discrimination. Do you read reports and articles from the other countries with government healthcare models? This is what they show. These are the stories. This is their reality. Do we want this as ours?

As a woman going into the health care profession, I encourage and support all preventative health care. Lower BMIs, drug rehabilitation, smoking cessation, driving slower, exercising, and eating well. However, I will not support a government that enforces them. It is unconstitutional. I also demand the freedom to conduct alternative cures and procedures, such as voluntary drug trials and midwifery. Will the government interfere in these choices under the health care bill? Of course. We will have given them permission.

[Obama, you're saying a lot of nothing again. Try to speak on something worth while, please. Just fluffy words right now.] [All our troops are coming home? Wonderful. How? More importantly, when?] [Biden, stop smiling. You scare me.] [Why do I feel like I'm getting spanked? I disapprove of your condescension.] [Yes, I worry for the next generation. For their freedoms. And my freedom to raise my children as I see fit.] [Stop telling us what lives on in us, we know.] Why do you keep saying "Washington" and blaming it for this past years failures? Your party's been in control. What's the hold-up? He keeps indicating he feels our pain. Does he really? Does he understand what is happening in our country?

Start anew? You mean, like, change. You said that already. For about 2 years. So. No new message tonight. Next year, perhaps. Here 'goes.

A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take everything you have. 
-Gerald Ford, 38th President

Thanks for your questions but-

There are, at times,

no explanations and no reason.

We're asked to accept and embrace

the unknown with faith.

But mine doesn't look the same as yours.

Life, that is.

My calling isn't yours and nope, it won't even resemble it.

You've hurt me, I've hurt you, but there's

not much to redeem when you're already redeemed in mercy.

Don't plan on me or cast your bet.

'Cause I don't know what "future" is.

I'm clinging to the ever-precious now.

When life gets inexplicable

Inexplicate it.


Step back and shake off your thoughts.
Re-evaluate from your paradigm.
Disregard other's opinions or pre-conceived judgements
until you seek advice from someone trusted.
Otherwise, shed all that fretting.
Move. Relax.
See where the river takes you.