Baby, we're going down swinging

Throughout the craziest schedule of last week, I was literally living for the weekend - which included a Six Flags trip with 5 guys and 4 girls hanging out for over 26 hours! Being a coaster virgin I was quaking in my tennis shoes (having only slept 4 hours the night before (in a condo with several guys) also heightened my nervousness). The guys and I drove to ATL in the wee hours of the morning to meet up with Amber and her friends at the park. I had really looking forward to seeing Amber in real time since we had only been Facebook friends up til then! It was wonderful - we said hi, hugged, chatted - then I was hustled along to the biggest, baddest roller coaster I'd ever seen...the Goliath...

To this day I don't know how I managed to slink into that back cart of Goliath after a solid 30 minutes of sweating in line. Perhaps it was because I didn't want to disappoint my new-found girlfriends and guyfriends, and Tyler's face being so darn obnoxious, that I did ride it, and I did survive that glorious terror of a coaster ride. Next, it was on to more fun.

After Goliath and Mind Bender I was loosening up, but the Batman ride was when I let go and enjoyed it. Sandwiched between Amber, Tyler, and Josh, I kept my eyes open and screamed out lungs out. The Ninja was my second favorite with it's continual loops, and the Great American Scream Machine was my least favorite (even though I'm glad I got the wooden-coaster experience).

Since coming back home, the drudge of every day sunk-in when I found out my parents were not about to allow me to enjoy my 2 weeks of summer vacation in blissful freedom. I was very upset with the rules they put in place and their anger towards me and my "lack of contribution to the family cause." Also, I have developed a sinus infection. (-_-)

Sometimes, my tone can be so light, but my heart has been so heavy. When conflicts come to a head with my parents, I feel like I'm fighting for my life - well, fighting for the right to rule my own life. I'm seriously dreading this upcoming school year. I don't want to deal with conflict with them, I don't want to make relationship decisions, I don't want to deal with day to day issues. I'd rather daydream. I'd rather create a perfect world and plan my futuristic actions like a playful demi-god. Everything is so much better when I don't have to deal with it now. I am distressed when I understand that these actions can't be so futuristic anymore - they are here and now.

Today a thought came to mind, one that I never expected to have... I wanted to be a teenager. I know I whine about getting older, but that's just me being silly. This was a real, hungry desire to feel the freedom of a 14 year old girl. And I don't remember if I ever felt that before, probably just snapshots, and that makes me even sadder inside. I can only search out the joy that I know God wants for me. My friend Gloria emailed me today saying "choose joy." And that what I need to do everyday, choose joy. I cannot escape the realities that have crashed around my day dreams, but I can cling to the hope that God wants us to be child-like in him and to be joyful.

So if my daydreams come crashing, will I have the courage to make them realities?

One more time, with feeling

Our stitches are all out but your scars are healing wrong
And the helium room inside your room has come undone
And it's pushing up at the ceiling and the flickering lights it cannot get beyond

Oh everyone takes turns
Now it's yours to play the part
And they're sitting all around you, holding copies of your chart
And the misery in their eyes is synchronized and reflected into yours

Hold on - one more time with feeling
Try it again - breathing's just a rhythm
Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
This is, why we, fight.

Do do do do do do-we-oo-we-oo-we-oo

You thought by now you'd be so much better than you are
You thought by now they'd see that you had come so far
And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you've never know
So much more than you've been shown.

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You step on all my parts and then you walk right out the door
And I know that your love a'int never coming back no more

Time is all around except inside my clock
Everyone is waiting for their lover to unlock

Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up
Time is all around, time is all around

I hallucinate a cat between my feet
I'm stepping lightly so as not to hurt it.
Everybody wants to say that you have changed
Of course you've changed, you've changed - your mind's been rearranged

Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up

Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to love?
Why am I supposed to?
I'm so tired
Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to?
I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want, I don't want

-Regina Spektor