What children will teach, what adults will learn

Last week while nannying the one and-a-half year old 'buster brown', I noticed the clean light on the dishwasher and began to put the dishes away. The little one had just woken from his nap, and was lightly padding about the kitchen clutching his stuffed lamb. I talked to him as I usually do, explaining the nonsense of grown-up worlds while putting away all the glassware, and he listened in silence, watching me with moon-pie eyes. I grabbed a hand-full of utensils from the basket and turned to place them in the drawer. Hearing a slight shuffle directly behind me, I looked down to see him grasping a fork in his free hand, presenting it up to me. "Why, buster brown, thank you for your help!" I exclaimed, while placing the fork in the drawer. "That's very kind, the fork goes exactly there!" His face broke into a beaming grin, and he toddled across the kitchen to the dishwasher, grasped another fork, and toddled it back over to me. I took it from him, exclaimed my thanks, and he beamed at me all over again. This process repeated until the entire utensil basket was emptied. His attention was unflagging, and each time I sung the praise for his helpfulness, his grin grew wider.

I waited patiently during the long process, being delivered each utensil one by one, but it didn't matter the length of time I stood there. I would have waited twice as long. Seeing the precious earnestness of his desire to help and how he initiated his part to help was wonderful, and the positive reinforcement received from being thanked, over and over, for his voluntary efforts, was worth far more than saving ten minutes. It was worth giving everything to, because little buster brown is designing a pattern of thought right now, everyday, in response to the adults around him. It is worth everything to see that pattern be good and pure and kind.

The fall semester of nursing school ended on a very high note! The week of finals was admittedly very difficult, however, I was determined to spend every moment I could in the library, where I could truly focus, and memorize the key exam materials. The standardized examinations, called HESI, were Thursday and Friday for pediatrics and medical-surgical II, respectively. The spring 2010 precepting positions are granted according to HESI test scores and a random number lottery. I.e., if you've drawn number 1 out of 145 students, and score a 1000+ HESI, you will receive first dibs on any precepting position, anywhere, anytime. The HESI scoring system is bizarre and unexplainable. Two students can easily miss 15 questions, mostly the same, yet receive scores of at least a 100 points difference. And the questions themselves are hard. I missed 11 and scored a 987, and drew number 22 in the lottery. I'm praying this means I'll land my ideal preceptorship: Emergency room, at the larger hospital, pm-am shift.

At the end of the semester reviews, I went in to talk with my clinical advisor, Ms B, who was the course manager of Fundamentals, teaches clinical pediatrics, and will be the course manager of Community Health in the spring. She's a delightful older woman who is smart, kind, and to the point, and I have appreciated having her as my instructor throughout the program. To give me my course performance evaluation, which always sounds so daunting...I sat in her office while she scrambled papers and we talked about the past semesters high-points. She handed me my eval which I was supposed to read and sign, however I am still horrible at interpreting handwriting and it had to be read to me, like a baby. But after listening to her words, which turned out to be the highest praise, I could feel myself becoming very, extremely, emotional. It ended with her looking at me, saying "You have something special in you, and you will go very far in all your career endeavors."

Sometimes I just don't know what I am, who I am, where I am, and worst of all, what I am supposed to be. Isn't there supposed to be some answers around here when you're older? I can feel so fractured. Of course I did wonderful this semester, I always do. I promise I am not being fake...I just don't ever fail. You want a performance? I can perform. I can give what is desired. But what do I desire? ....I want to tell a story, feel emotions, have compassion, give like a sun, be wild like waves, hide like dark, whole and together. Just don't splinter me, don't ask me to be only one, or demand I settle down, stay off my convictions. I desire to be mature, I am responsible, but I'm very ready to leave this part behind, to turn the page. I am ready for my initiation. God's growing me right here today, in the way He desires me...but I think He's placed a doorway in my future...and I pray I get to turn the handle.