Preparing for the long night

Sometimes, my optimism is swallowed. Swept over and consumed by a fear of the unknown and fear of a failure. Certain inevitabilities, like rain and running out of gas and peanut-butter on my knuckles when I make sandwiches, become silly issues. Not much of anything can drag me out, logic least of all. It is usually preceded by a manic energy for a day or two, so by the time a depression sweeps in I have nothing left to fight it.

Sometimes, I know exactly what would help, and wish so badly someone could fix me, and sometimes I don't. But if I had to tell someone what could fix me, it wouldn't work as well. There was someone in my life who knew innately what to do. Unfortunately, my mother has never known. She is kind, yet frustrated, if she listens to my stuttered explanations. She has never been one to hug or hold me when I was upset, and that's something I desperately need, in just the right way. But my pre-semester breakdown is almost over, and I'm pulling out of it.

At this moment, I need to nap before my first preceptor shift tonight. I'm nervous and terrified and somewhat resigned to the fates. I know tonight is a testing night for both my nurse and myself. I need to witness the flow of the STICU, the patients that are there, the schedule for the night, and the expectations I'm performing under. The nurse needs to see my earnestness, my dedication to learning, and my eagerness to experience everything possible. I know she won't throw me to the wolves, yet I can't help but wince at the thought me not performing something she expects me to already know. //deep breaths. My breakdown didn't have great timing...but when does it ever. I'll pray hard. And rest up. And do my best tonight.