What I do ain't for babies

I'm a strong(ish) woman, I know this. My mother never tolerated silly timidity when I was young, and with three younger brothers to play with I grew into a wild, tom boy kind of girl. Albeit, I was in touch with my feminine side, but in a nontraditional way (I was prolly wearing a bright purple get-up when I caught and tamed a rat snake from my backyard). All this to say - I ain't no baby.

And throughout this semester of nursing school - the last of my junior year - I had been anticipating my OR rotation so. much. It was thrilling me on the inside, despite reports from friends saying the best they saw were a couple of hysterectomies performed closed with a scope. Ah well, I was still excited! Wednesday was my day and I was assigned to OR 12 NET with Dr D, a Nose, Ears and Throat specialist. Not too interesting, but worth the experience. The OR staff included a surgical tech, anesthesiologist, and OR nurse, and they were nice and explained the entire routine with me. They were Dr D's crew, accustomed to her particular ways and had earned a permanent position on her cases. 

The first patient had localized anesthesia and an antianxiety drug cocktail to undergo the removal of three sebaceous cysts from his ear. Um, yeah, not that exciting. I was watching, mildly interested and assisting when I could, feeling cool and competent. It was done, Dr D began cauterizing, and I --- passed out....

Jah. Apparently the smell of burning flesh is potent to the newbies like me. The next thing I was aware of was waking up on an un-used stretcher in the hall, with the OR nurse fanning me. First, a wave of shame washed over me, soon replaced with a wave of nausea. She toddled me down to the lounge room and left me in the care of three kindly and extremely attentive OR nurses. Their "it happens all the time"'s didn't cut the pain of knowing I crumbled on the job, yet I didn't refuse the cup of juice they thrust in my face. Fifteen minutes later, I asked one to take me to OR 12. She was surprised and told me to take it easy but I, like the strong woman I am, said "Lead on." When I entered the room, the three staff were setting up for the next patient, and they applauded when they saw I returned, green and determined.

THIS IS HOW I DO :D

I prepared myself mentally before the next patient was cauterized and...I didn't feel a thing. Whoa. I was so proud. I ain't no baby! So maybe the whole passing out thing was surprising to begin with, I wasn't expecting myself to do that (ever). But I've got a great story to pass down to all the younger kiddos in the nursing program, haha.

Yes, nursing school. I have such a strange relationship with you.

Let's do this

This is decided.

I'M GOING TO BLOG

YES. Out of the muse has been my darling project since 7.31.2006. It presented to the vast interneties my thoughts and scribbles and poems, none of which was very coherent. I used it as a vehicle for anonymous expression and for following friends blogs, but now that I've gone public hopefully you'll be seeing more concrete narratives.

...or not.

^_^

Thank you for following! And please keep reading... kisses

Renew our world.... be the difference

www.handsin.org

This was founded by fellow blogger and web-socialite Nicole and it promises to be an exciting springboard for many outreach opportunities! 

God Send

A specific amount of intrisnic worth
is measured by the current authorities

for each individual,

blatant partiality toward the
weighty value of the masses

(but not the old, retarded, and unborn).
The sway of popularity
along with political opinion
global sexually transmitted diseases
and the amoral, and personal
choice to kill
wage in opposition to the
beautiful new life.

...The meticulously formed individual
dependent on life blood,
secluded in a room of pulsing peace,
swathed in a sheen of vibrant ruby
awainting its breathless entrance.

Precious and innocent...

Completely dependent 

on popular political opinion

global sexually transmitted diseases
and your ever-important
right to kill

a precious and innocent child.

8.30.2006

2.18.2009

Client: #327

Diagnosis: right lung mass

DATA :

Assessment: Client did not demonstrate orientation or alertness but responded to direct questioning about pain by raising hand. Client in semi-fowlers position, eyes unfocused with left eyelid dropping, head arched back into pillow, mouth open, chest heaving, vesicular breath sounds, bloody sputum, crackles and wheels identified, neck veins extended, capillary refill +3, yellow concentrated urine output 25 ml, no bowel sounds noted, skin flushed, very warm, very dry with flaking, turgor loose, severe cachexia with visible skeleton and large darkened patches on both arms. Patent catheter line and morphine IV drip running. Client is DNR.

VS 93/59 151pulse 44resp 83 96axillary

Medications: Atrovent 0.02% NEB 0.5, Decadron 4mg/ml, Levaquin 500mg/100ml, Protonix 40mg, Proventil 2.5mg, Reglan 10mg, Ativan 0.5, Compazine 10mg, Morphine carpuject 1-2mg, Morphine 100mg, Zofran 8mg

PLAN : The client is a 55-year old white male with a right lung mass in end-stage cancer, MI in 2005, history of multiple illnesses. Daughter at beside. Comfort measures to be provided.

            Nursing Diagnosis: none

IMPLEMENTATION :

0720 IV Morphine drip dosage increased to maximum allowable per physician’s order

0830 Daughter left room to tell nurse that her dad the client had passed away. Declared dead by attending physician at 0840. Post mortem care provided, including removing all lines and cleaning body, arranged client for family viewing.

NAPG Photoshoot

Narcissism in it's unrepentant glory... :] I spent three hours Saturday at the Flying Monkey Art Center with the most talented amateur photographers in North Alabama. It was an incredible learning experience, many beautiful photos captured, and there was free pizza!

North Alabama Photographers Guild on Flickr

Flying Monkey Arts Center

AHEN is the code

Anger grows from

Hurt which springs from shattered

Expectations which are founded in

Need.

and that's it, folks.

Stratified

I am, er, (here)

And my mind is flying

elsewhere

So um, 

There's the me below

And the I above

Her heart in between a

Disconnect

My Philosophy for Life

1) I believe that humans and everything around us was and is made to honor, praise, and glorify, and have a relationship with the one and only God.

2) I also believe that life is about having relationships and companions. For non-christians, there are two different types of relationships - one is friendship and the other is marriage. For Christians, there are three relationships - friendship, marriage, and the greatest of all our relationship with God.

3) Life is a never-give-up kind of thing. I believe that you can never give up if you want to succeed. If I wanted to play soccer but stopped playing after the third practice because I couldn't score a goal, would I ever learn to play? If I learned to give up every time I didn't succeed in the first few tries or when I'm challenged, I would be a failure the rest of my life.

-Dane, age 13

2.7.09

This is so precious to me. Dane has a sincerity that he always carries in his heart. It is so endearing to see the mixture of biblical truths and childhood earnestness, and I pray that both become an irrevocable whole of his character and of my other brother's as well. 

The blessings I have in my brothers and their Godly lives is immeasurable. The world cries out for leaders, for men that have the strength of truth in their hearts. There are few to be found; most men are fostering pluralism and tolerance as an acceptable, peaceful route to universal happiness. But all beliefs cannot show truth, and where there is no truth, there is no true happiness. I would rather see a man standing strong for one wrong "truth", than an army of peaceful men accepting all "truths". Schuyler, Dane, and Trent already know the rightness of one truth, and they follow it strongly and with understanding. 

America's Suitehearts

You could have knocked me out with a feather.
I know you've heard this all before, but we're just Hell's neighbors.
Why, why, why won't the world revolve around me?
Build my dreams, trees grow all over the streets.

But I don't know much about classic cars,
But I've got a lot of friends stuck on classic coke.
Down, set, one,
Hut, hut, hike,
Media Blitz!

Lets hear it for America's Suitehearts!
But I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins.
Lets hear it for America's Suitehearts!
But I must confess,I'm in love with my own sins.

You can bow and pretend that you don't, don't know you're a legend.
Time, time, time hasn't told anyone else yet.
Let my love loose again.

But I don't know much about classic cars,
But I've got a lot of friends stuck on classic coke.
Down, set, one,
Hut, hut, hike,
Media Blitz!

You could have knocked me out with a feather
I know you've heard this all before

Lets hear it for America's Suitehearts!
But I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins.
Lets hear it for America's Suitehearts!
But I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins.

-FOB

Average garbage

We take something from the ground

fresh and natural.

We modify -

carving smoldering 

pressing forcing stamping

Into the desired form.

Instructions: Use, discard.

We throw something back

which the earth can't accept.

Of note

HEY YOU!!!!!!

MY name's Kait.... I kinda a big deal

...local celebrity, and all, right?...

I'm 19 years old and very confused (Life is confusing).

I love many different things.

I can spontaneously give a speech on anything (won many competitions!)

Singing is my favorite.

(Put me on stage, I get excited!)

But I also adore pictures...and I like modeling for them too.

Clothes is awesome. Clothes!

Somehow I got a little beauty and a little brains....and I don't do much with either.

'Cause I'm in school, you know, but just gliding by.

I hate being mediocre, unimpressive grades, so far I haven't tried enough

(I'm trying to fix that)

Nursing wasn't my desire, but it's good in it's on way

The way of people, caring, and a nice fat salary....

What I admire: genuineness, intelligence, chivalry, dedication, funness, spontaneity, surprises, conversation skills, cologne, good looks (I'm honest!), love, caring, talent, loves children.

What I loathe: averageness, sloth, vagueness, rudeness, driving too slow, unkempt appearance, long nose hairs (true story!), boring.

Smiling is my favorite, too. And when I hear someone laugh

I love joining in.

People's sadness affects me as well...

Other people's problems I can feel in my heart

along with their joy.

I hate being angry. Especially at someone I love.

I rarely am...yet when it happens I feel like a demon and nothing can reason.

The worst thing is how destructive I can be.

Ripping myself apart is mechanical and easy.

With all I love to create, and draw, and sing, and act, and model, and see beauty

I still can hurt. (there's no middle ground/neutrality)

I wish to be the best.

I desire more than I deserve, and fail grasping

Uncertainties are even more hellish

Yet

I love you

I love you very much.

I want you to have a wonderful life!

That's the most sincerest feeling I have

that I want you to have everything you dream.

And I won't stop that, ever.

And sometimes I wonder if I dreamed you up to start with, and just kept on dreaming

And sometimes reality is skewed

idk

idc

Sincerely,

yours truly

Know

Running up to me in the kitchen, exclaiming

"See, this doesn't make sense! They ask me

'Is the Bible true?'

And the answer is 'Because it says it's true'

But if they don't believe the Bible at all

how will they ever believe it's right?"

I flashed him a smile, with a weak chuckle

"Yeah, funny how that works.

I don't know either. Guess it has to be divine.

The believing, I mean. Divine."

When logic fails, and a numbing culture

sets the ground for discounting all Christianity,

there's nothing left to argue.

I can be cynical, I apologize; I've struggled with this for years.

Praying and wishing for that golden breakthrough

with some of the closest of my acquaintances...

(ah, I cry myself to sleep.)

Be the example

Live the life

Get up when you fail

Rejoice when you succeed

Never be ashamed

"Live your life, Dane, with God's love growing in you.

Be a strong, Christian man."

Potential and Restructure

2009

Goals 

:: learn the rudimentary basics of American Sign Language

:: budget finances consistently

:: research, write, edit, and publish the apology article that's been in forming in my head and heart 

Aspirations 

:: travel...somewhere wonderful, full of history and arts...and take a plane to get there

:: land a professional modeling or acting job

:: dedicate myself more thoroughly to the studies at hand

:: to strive for more emotional stability

:: to live everyday, fully in that moment

Hey-o it's over, and about to begin

Fall 2008
College:				Nursing
Major:				Junior Division Nursing
Student Type:				Continuing
Academic Standing:				Good Standing
Additional Standing:				Scholar
Subject	Course	Level	Title					Grade	Credit Hours	Quality Points	R
NUR	302	UG	NURSING & HEALTH PROMOTION					B	3.000	9.000
NUR	303	UG	HEALTH ASSESSMENT					B	3.000	9.000
NUR	304	UG	APP PATHOPHYSIOLOGY LIFESPAN					B	3.000	9.000
NUR	310	UG	PROFESSIONAL PRACTICE NURS I					B+	6.000	18.000
				Attempt Hours	Passed Hours	Earned Hours	GPA Hours	Quality Points	GPA
Current Term:				15.000	15.000	15.000	15.000	45.000	3.000
Cumulative:				40.000	40.000	40.000	40.000	130.000	3.250
TRANSCRIPT TOTALS (UNDERGRADUATE)
				Attempt Hours	Passed Hours	Earned Hours	GPA Hours	Quality Points	GPA
Total Institution:				40.000	40.000	40.000	40.000	130.000	3.250
Total Transfer:				0.000	0.000	41.000	0.000	0.000	0.000
Overall:				40.000	40.000	81.000	40.000	130.000	3.250

The tidings of the season to you!

Merry Christmas!

Emmanuel, Emmanuel,

in the grime of a stable,

under the brilliance of a star,

you came.

One day all the universe

will acknowledge your Love

which is boundless

and enduring

and dwelling forever,

Amen.

chronicling a lovely c h r i s t m a s

Photos by Tyler Pierce 

(excepting 7 and 8)

holiday spirits!

foods ::

cocktail weenies

spinach spankies

candied nuts

celery sticks with pimento cheese

celery sticks with garlic cream cheese

veggie tray with homemade low-fat dip

2-layer yellow cake with buttercream frosting

Mullin spiced apple cider

Perrier sparkling water with raspberries

Swiss Miss hot chocolate

grocery list ::

3 liter bottles of Perrier (7)

2 gallons of apple cider (5)

2 packages of Mullin Spices (4)

jar of pimentos (2)

pack of celery (3)

pack of sugar snap peas (4)

3 bell peppers (5)

once lemon (1)

package of frozen raspberries (4)

cream cheese (2)

shredded cheddar cheese (4)

ice

....equals joyous times :]

Let's play here and now

I could hate him for making me question

I could hate him for imposing his own dream

-remind me again, why must I conform mine

(because it is not so crisply defined in years and situations?)

I could hate him for his increasing urgency and my lowered resistance.

No I'm sorry I don't have my life figured out.

There's no aligned dominos in a knock-down trail

There's no aces in their spaces

There is no symmetry.

This is what I am.

This is what I'm developing from

a young girl riddled with fear of the future

Yes I'm trying.

Let's just say I'm attempting with all my might.

A glorious warmth in his arms and kiss, apart it's all submerged

Today/tomorrow/sincerely I thank God for...

showers

myself?

music

giving shots

writing, blogger

pretty colors of thread

internet

slushies

Schuy, D, and Louie

paintings, photography

His strength carrying me through

beautifulness

piano

singing uninhibited

joyous holidays

my bedroom, bathroom

naptimes

family

best friend/boyfriend

ability to learn

my job and subsequent paycheck

ghetto mobile

smiling

Survive and prosper

Advair 500/50mcg, one puff twice daily

314.99 (60.24 w/ insurance)

 

Maxair Autohaler 400 puffs total, two puffs four times daily, fifteen minutes prior to exercise and PRN

177.99 (23.64 w/ insurance)

Ocella tablet, one daily

173.89 (35.84 w/ insurance)

 

Prednisone 20mg tablets, one tablet three times daily for twenty days

11.99 (0.65 w/ insurance)

 

SMZ/TMP tablets, one daily

32.89 (2.34 2/ insurance)

I'll write you a poem, dripping

You're the peanut to my butter

-You're the cheese to my macaroni

You're the chocolate to my strawberry

-You're the ranch to my chicken

You're the popcorn to my favorite movie

-You're the soda to my burger and fries

You're the bright sunshine when I wake up

-You're the blanket I could cuddle with

You're the reason for my random smile

-You're the music in my ears

You are the beat to my heart

-You are the love of my life

You're the only thing I want or need in this world

To whom it may concern

MyMy parents began home schooling me at age seven, and I remained home schooled until my graduation at age 16.  Throughout my education, my parents always emphasized the primary importance of learning and understanding, not just rote memorizing. They instilled in me the desire to comprehend new material so I can better utilize it later in life. I enrolled in Calhoun Community College’s dual enrollment program my senior year so I could complete my high school course requirements and also receive college credit. I loved the college experience and enjoyed all my classes.

I have many varied interests which include, but are not limited to, USTA tennis, local community theatre, TeenPact for Alabama, Alabama Music Teacher's Association statewide piano competitions, YMCA exercise classes, Huntsville Times Teen Page, sewing societies, dance instruction, and Kingdom Life Fellowship Church. I have volunteered extendedly at Constitution Village, Fantasy Playhouse, Lincoln Village ministries and on governmental campaigns.  I know these hobbies and pursuits will benefit me in my academic major and in pursuing a well-rounded outlook on life.

In May of 2006 I graduated high school from Excalibur Christian Home School Group with a high school GPA of 4.0 and a college dual enrollment GPA of 3.5 and 18 college credit hours. I was accepted as a member of Phi Theta Kappa and the Dean's List.  I received Redstone Arsenal's Calhoun Community College $2000 scholarship and continued my education at Calhoun until Spring 2007. I transferred Fall 2007 to University of Alabama at Huntsville. Now I have completed 84 academic hours and maintain a GPA of 3.4.

My declared field of study is Nursing, with the possibility of continuing education in graduate studies. Since I was young, I wished to enter a vocation where I may communicate with people and assist them all I can. Nursing is a field I feel called into as a career and way of life, and working on a pediatric floor is my first career goal. Receiving a scholarship can set that goal within reach through financial assistance.  In the following two years I will strive to receive a Bachelor of Science in Nursing from the UAH Nursing Department. 

Thank you for your consideration!

Shine

Who cares what we’ve earned?

Somebody’s sold all the truth that you’ve yearned.

Remember when we used to shine?

And had no fear of sense or time.

When it creeps up on you

 

You can’t cry when there’s nothing to feel

No one’s noticed our loneliness

Remember when we used to tease

And made us scream eternal joy

 

I believed that you’d always be here

‘Cause once you promised a life with no fear

Please don’t break my ideals

And say what’s fake was always real

 

I was the one and only

Take me back again

-Muse

Fall in your lap

spring/grasp/tilt/h o l d  o n.

This is it?

I thought... well

Not this

But how can I ask for more?

A short observation on healthcare and tomorrow

When deciding to vote for a candidate, there are numerous topics to research. Most Americans scrutinize the topics they consider personally important, or that would significantly influence their culture, lifestyle and habits. When I approached the candidates from a health care perspective, it became very confusing. This topic directly affects my future career as a nurse. Health care problems are being addressed through several different policies, according to each candidate’s position. Yet since I agree with a couple of policies from each candidate, it was necessary to sort through which policies I consider important and effective for the problems.

Health care for everyone is fundamental in my worldview. I desire for all people of all ages to have access to healthcare. McCain specifically states that every American deserves healthcare, including alternate treatment settings and cost-effective measures. Obama stresses healthcare for the underprivileged and children, requiring mandatory health insurance for minors in particular.

Regulation of healthcare safety is also a concern. Obama emphasizes hospital responsibility with compulsory federal regulations, including RN/patient ratios. McCain emphasizes consumer knowledge on treatment options and outcomes, and providing Medicare payments for diagnostic visits and disease prevention measures.

Healthcare would only be effective if it were affordable. Obama revealed a detailed plan for affordable healthcare that incorporated national public health insurance with income-related subsidies called the National Health Insurance Exchange. Also, he desires to expand Medicaid, and would require employers to offer an insurance program to all employees. McCain addressed the issue through a Guaranteed Access Model that is state-based, with financial assistance for lower-income peoples and premium-limitations on insurance companies. McCain’s approach to employer insurance is to drop favorable tax treatment of businesses, and instead provide a tax refund to individuals and families for private insurance coverage.

In considering healthcare professionals education, Obama supports loan-repayments, reimbursements, training grants, and $4000/yearly tuition credit for all student nurses. Although tuition credit would be a great assistance to student nurses, I consider it an inequitable neglect towards other students who are pursuing engineering, biology, chemistry, and other fields that contribute directly to healthcare in our nation.

When deciding which candidate’s policies would be best for nursing only, Barack Obama demonstrates the most supportive policies for the nursing profession. However, the majority of his healthcare strategy incorporates a national infrastructure that requires enormous government funding. Obama does not address how this funding will be obtained, presumably from increased federal taxes.

When considering the candidates’ political policies regarding general healthcare, I am supportive of McCain’s course of actions. Limiting insurance premiums, emphasizing prevention of disease through testing and education, providing state insurance plans, and a tax refund for private insurance coverage are the strategies I wish to see implemented. These would allow for freedom of individual responsibility with support for the underprivileged, without the formation of a national healthcare insurance set up.

References:

American Nurse’s Association (2008, August 18). Documents. ANA Policy and 2008

Presidential Candidates Obama & McCain. Retrieved http://nursingworld.org/MainMenuCategories/ANAPoliticalPower/Election2008/2008Presidential/PresEndorseProcess/ANAPolicyand2008PresidentialCandidates.aspx

 

McCain, John (2008, October 12). Healthcare. Straight Talk on
Health System Reform. Retrieved

http://www.johnmccain.com/content/default.aspx?guid=8475c713-a541-4b97-a2aa-800e35da37bb

 

Obama, Barack (2008, October 12). Healthcare. Obama-Biden Health Care Plan.

Retrieved http://www.barackobama.com/pdf/issues/HealthCareFullPlan.pdf

 

-K R

Remove the scales from our eyes

God, put an end to evil; avenging God, show your colors! Judge of the earth, take your stand; throw the book at the arrogant. 

God, the wicked get away with murder—how long will you let this go on? They brag and boast and crow about their crimes! 

They walk all over your people, God, exploit and abuse your precious people. They take out anyone who gets in their way; if they can't use them, they kill them. They think, "God isn't looking, Jacob's God is out to lunch." 

Well, think again, you idiots, fools—how long before you get smart? Do you think Ear-Maker doesn't hear, Eye-Shaper doesn't see? Do you think the trainer of nations doesn't correct, the teacher of Adam doesn't know? God knows, all right--knows your stupidity, sees your shallowness. 

How blessed the man you train, God, the woman you instruct in your Word, Providing a circle of quiet within the clamor of evil, while a jail is being built for the wicked. God will never walk away from his people, never desert his precious people. Rest assured that justice is on its way and every good heart put right. 

Who stood up for me against the wicked? Who took my side against evil workers? If God hadn't been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said, "I'm slipping, I'm falling," your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up. 

Can Misrule have anything in common with you? Can Troublemaker pretend to be on your side? They ganged up on good people, plotted behind the backs of the innocent. But God became my hideout, God was my high mountain retreat, then boomeranged their evil back on them: for their evil ways he wiped them out, our God cleaned them out for good.

-Psalm 94

I'm going to try

Thrown in the middle of

not terror, really

if there is a feeling worse it's apathy

when you can't pursue what you desire

you fill the void with "rightness"

that logic will prod you in

that voices of reason will praise

they confirm the emptiness, no doubt

Thrown in the middle of

not attachment, really

if there's a feeling worse it's complacency

when you scream at night from indecision

you rage against walls with questions

that would be answered if

that could be explained it

you dropped the chains of reality, no doubt

There's nothing but a sad shallow goal

There's nothing to embrace at night

There's nothing I desire

And I dare to include my love in this

And I dare beg for his understanding

And I continue through the straight and narrow

As slowly like a mist at twilight

I lose my beautiful deadly rabbit hole

dream

Hideaway

Take the sky for example
A canvas of a billion suns
But our local hero shines them out by day
Safe for the winking of a Venus or Mars

Even the stars
Sometimes fade to gray
Even the stars
Hideaway

I see the bare moon raise it's big bald head
I see my friends play the fool
I'll make my own way in the wide world
Just know I don't want to wander too far

Even the stars
Sometimes fade to gray
Even the stars
Hideaway

Some call me all kinds of names
Some say I don't play the right kind of game
I try to be honest, I try to be kind
And honestly leave when I know that it's time
I know that it's time

Hear a phoebe sing his only song
The summer's day is hovering
I'll write my full heart troubles while I can burst
Out the windows of our traveling car

Even the stars
Sometimes fade.....

-The Weepies

a futuristic list containing a ray of motherly aspiration

Alexander
Alice
Ari
Beatrix
Demi
Ella
Elisha
Emily
Frances
James
Jaden
Jem
Jewel
Jules
Julia
Katherine
Katrina
Keaton
Killian
Ives
Lane
Liam
Leigh
Louis
Mary
Rea
Rin
Sara
Schuyler
Sean
William

Trusted

It was a gift
and I held it in my hands
regulated with a pulse of exposed emotions
it was firm
but pliable underneath my influence
perhaps a word, a tone, a glance could make it cease -
- so great was the responsibility
- greater than I wish to admit

It was a gift
and I locked it up, tight
trying maybe saving it from the murder I could....commit

maybe

One day, a recall
One day you'll take back(heart)
A swift searing pain
A recoil of raw emotions

and I'll realise with a wry stretched smile
what happens when your love kills
and though it was a gift I'll return it

and I will know it(heart) like my own(heart)
because so long it had been mine(heart)

and it'll still be regulated with the pulse of denied emotions

And you will blame me.

The blame:
It's termination
It's wretched hurt
It's pallid beat -
damn it 
It's blood should never
It's blood could never
Be on my hands

- because it was a gift.

11.1.2006

Diagnostic Puppy Love

Is this temporary
Is this obsession
Is this rediculous
Is this lust
Is this running heedless
Is this insane
Is this far too soon
Is this much too deep
Is this rebellion
Is this adoration
Is this perfect
Is this blindly flawed
Is this real
Is this right
Is this

Love [one year and seven months flying blind toward the sun]

2.14.2007

Please read

Growing up on a healthy diet of faeries, stories, Arthurian legends, Shakespeare, greek gods, and true romance in its purest sense, I like to hear commentary by fellow fairy-tale lovers. I particularly enjoy this post by Aine.

http://recoveringhelen.blogspot.com/2008/08/real-fairy-tales-vs-4-tenet-romantic.html

If you do, if you don't

Let’s get out, let’s get out of here.
I’ll go at it alone if I have to, but I need you there.
I’m honest with nobody else -
Whether or not I make it there is will itself.
And I’m honest with only myself -
I can’t afford to lose you now, not in this hell.
But I’ll stay with you!

I’m a mess and so a wreck, a poor excuse without you near to keep me in check.
So take me out, and take me anywhere!
I’m out of touch with everything and I don’t care.
So I must be out of my mind.
The offer I have to give to you is all my time, so I’ll stay with you.

We sing over and over
....And baby I'm a waste of time

-Cartel

Build god

It's these substandard motels on the (lalalalala) corner of 4th and Fremont Street.
Appealing only because they are just that un-appealing
Any practiced catholic would cross themselves upon entering.
The rooms have a hint of asbestos and maybe just a dash of formaldehyde,
And the habit of decomposing right before your very (lalalala) eyes.

Along with the people inside
What a wonderful caricature of intimacy
Inside, what a wonderful caricature of intimacy

Tonight tenants range from: a lawyer and a virgin
Accessorizing with a rosary tucked inside her lingerie
She's getting a job at the firm come Monday.
The Mrs. will stay with the cheating attorney
Moonlighting aside, she really needs his money.
Oh, wonderful caricature of intimacy.

Yeah

And not to mention, the constable, and his proposition, for that "virgin"
Yes, the one the lawyer met with on "strictly business"
As he said to the Mrs. Well, only hours before,
After he had left, she was fixing her face in a compact.
There was a terrible crash between her and the badge
She spilled her purse and her bag, and held a "purse" of a different kind.

Along with the people inside
What a wonderful caricature of intimacy
Inside, what a wonderful caricature of intimacy

There are no raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses.
It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses
At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains
And a few more of your least favorite things.

What a wonderful caricature of intimacy

Summer playlists

Only Human:
Jason Mraz-We Sing We Dance We Steal Things.
Jack Johnson-In Between Dreams
John Mayer-Continuum
Norah Jones-Come Away With Me, Feels Like Home
KT Tunstall-Eye to the Telescope, Drastic Fantastic
Paul McCartney-Chaos and Creation, Memory Almost Full

Untitled:
Panic at the Disco-Pretty.Odd.
Portal-Still Alive (single)
Juno-Original Soundtrack
Moulin Rouge-Original Soundtrack

Slow Beauty:
Rufus Wainwright-Poses, Want One, Want Two
Sarah McLachlan-Afterglow, Fumbling Towards Ecstacy, Surfacing
Fiona Apple-Extraordinary Machine, Tidal
Fine Frenzy-One Cell in the Sea
Aqualung-Strange and Beautiful, Memory Man

Beyond the Neighborhood:
The Shins-Chutes Too Narrow, Oh Inverted World, Wincing the Night Away
Snow Patrol-Eyes Open, Final Straw
Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin-Pershing
Athlete-Beyond the Neighborhood, Tourist, Vehicles and Animals

Back Then Right Now:
Queen-Greatest Hits
Van Morrison-Brown Eyed Girl (single)
George Thorogood-Who Do You Love (single), Bad to the Bone (single)
Creedance Clearwater Revival-Have You Ever Seen the Rain (single),
Down on the Corner (single), Up Around the Bend (single),
Susie Q (single)
Don McLean-American Pie (single)
Rolling Stones-Paint It Black (single)
ABBA-Greatest Hits

More than Music:
Danny Elfman-Sernada Schizophrana
Pan's Labyrinth-Original Soundtrack
Fellowship of the Ring/Return of the King-Original Soundtrack
The Secret Garden-Original Soundtrack

There's the line you must draw, the line you must cross

With a deep breath and a prayer
take a plunge / no shifting doubt and drowning fear.
If I reveal myself to you, would you be gentle?
I'm new to this, and I'm treading tentively on unwashed sand.
There's always potential abandonment / crash and burn.
Yet here I stand.

So this is what it feels like and why the poets die.

I could kill for something like this.

"How long could it last?"
"What will you teach me?"
"Where will we go?"
"Do I trust you?"

Yes.

(I used to be afraid of losing my heart.
Now I'm only afraid of losing you.)

12.4.06

Bold as Love

Anger, he smiles towering in shiny metallic purple armor
Queen Jealousy, envy waits behind him, her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground
Blue are the life-going waters taken for granted, they quietly understand.
The once happy turquoise armies lay opposite ready
But wonder why the fight is on.

But they're all bold as love
Yeah, they're all bold as love
They're all bold as love
Just ask the axis

My red is so confident that he flashes trophies of war and ribbons of euphoria
Orange is young, full of daring but very unsteady for the first go around
My yellow in this case is not so mellow, in fact I'm trying to say it's frightened like me
And all these emotions of mine keep holding me from
Giving my life to a rainbow like you

I'm bold, bold as love
Just ask the axis
Yeah he knows, he knows everything
I'm bold, bold as love

-John Mayer

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

happiness
relief
excitement
contentment
love

joyness!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lonely

doesn't deserve to be capitalized

it hurts

undefined, lost, give up?

Origin > Greek, "Katheros", meaning pure

Defining characteristics > unpredictability, joy, empathy

Loves > writing, music, Jesus, the boys, mom and dad, melodies, lyrics, modeling, photos, sewing, Gammy, Granny, Grandmamma, PawPaw, designing, caring, loving, touching, David, manga, poetry, antiques, vintage, details, patterns, nature, creating, freedom, schedules, organization, chaos, the infinite, friends, sponteneaity, posing, windows, bubble baths, change, kissing, trips downtown, parks, life, art, great heights, driving, money, beauty, giving, volunteering, children, noise, personalities, learning, running away, exercise, yoga, traveling, clothes, movement, loving, thinking, performing, security, mercy.



Now what?

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
these are just a couple of my cravings.
Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger, a little bit thicker
a little bit harmful for me.

If I should buy jellybeans, have to eat them all in just one sitting.
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter, a little bit fatter
a little bit harmful for me.

And then there's those other things, which for several reasons we won't mention.
Everything about them is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
a little bit deadly.

It isn't very smart. . .
Tends to make one part so broken-hearted

Sitting here remembering me.
Always been a shoe made for the city.
Go ahead, accuse me of just singing about places
with scrappy boys faces have general run of the town.

Playing with prodigal songs takes a lot of sentimental valiums
Can't expect the world to be your raggedy andy
While running on empty, you little old doll with a frown.

You got to keep in the game, maintaining mystique while facing forward.
I suggest a reading of 'a lesson in tightropes' or 'surfing your high hopes'
or 'adios kansas'.

It isn't very smart. . .
Tends to make one part so broken-hearted.

Still there's not a show on my back, holes or a friendly intervention.
I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit irish a little bit tower of pisa whenever I see you.
So please be kind if I'm a mess!
. . . Cigarettes and chocolate milk

Don't ever change, don't ever worry because I'm coming back home tomorrow.
To 14th Street where I won't hurry
Where I'll learn how to save not just borrow and they'll be rainbows and we will finally know.

Why'd you have to break all my heart - Couldn't you have saved a little bit of it?
Why'd you have to break all my heart - Couldn't you have saved a minor part?

-Rufus Wainwright

You could do better

When I was young lying in the grass. I felt so safe in a warming bath
of sunlight, of sunlight.
Vast open sky could do no harm, like an embrace the lover's arms.
In sunlight, in sunlight.

With every year that came to pass.
More clouds appeared, the sky went black.
And there was no sunlight, no sunlight.
Anymore...

It disappeared with the same speed.
With idealistic timing the optimist died inside of me.

No sunlight, no sunlight.

It disappeared with the same speed.
With idealistic timing the optimist died inside of me.

Your kept in an open cage so your free to leave or stay.
Sometimes you get confused.
There's a hint that I'm trying to give you.

The longer you think the less you know what to do.

It's hard to see your way out when you live in a fallacy house.
You don't realize that the windows were open the whole time.

We're starting to feel
We stayed together out of fear
Of dying alone
I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts
Of the people I've been

It's like my heart can't take
My fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool

I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to

These times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do

'Cause you can do better than me
But I can't do better than you

-Death Cab for Cutie

Current pursuits

Guidance in a seance

Elaborate on the increasing territorial aggression in contemporary rap lyrics

Research the correlation between the rising percentage of Autism diagnosis in America and mandatory vaccinations for toddlers and adolescents

Blowing one bubble-gum bubble inside another

Deny every step I take/every step I hate but still take

Record the fees, the fees, the other fees - I don't even want to be here!

3 dresses, 1 tank top, pair of flip-flops, 1 skirt, 2 bras, 3 panties, more make-up, 3 prescriptions filled
=W A S T E D money=

Dang amaretto sours are amazing, though