Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Perhaps I shouldn't establish such unrealistic goals...even when it comes to blogging. It is far more profitable to set reasonable goals and achieve them, and makes one feel far more accomplished. I enjoy feeling accomplished. I'm sure you do too.

The recent months have held joy, trials, failings, accomplishments, and stress like no other semester (which reminds me, I'll be thrilled when I stop gauging life in academic semesters. It's hard to see life as a continuous journey when I block it off into segments of scholastic rat races.) I've approached this blog as a therapy and a personal art, yet still when I experience difficulties in life I retreat into myself. I find the more complexities that arrive the more difficult it becomes to be honest. I would rather smile, laugh, socialize, and be mute about the realities of my thoughts. *deep breath* But here they come tumbling out...

My dear great-grandmother, Sarah Katherine Lucas Shifflett, passed away at age 99 in October. Her passing was peaceful, after attending rehabilitation and receiving comfort measures in the Cook Springs nursing home. Granny, called Katie by those who loved her, lived a quiet life in the country outside Birmingham, observing a century of change progressing around her. She rode a horse and buggy to town, saw her first plane when she was 12 years old, attended a college for young women in the 1930s, married a pharmacist who was 10 years her senior, had two sons and a daughter, was a master of checkers, an avid admirer of cars, and loved all of us grandchildren and great-grandchildren with genuine affection. I will cherish all my memories of running around her home, eating her biscuits, catching green lizards to show to her, drawing on the concrete with clay rocks, and sitting on the worn-down stool at her feet. She will be very missed from my life, and the lives of her family, friends and neighbors. Granny was honored by the attendance of many relatives and acquaintances to her funeral, including my other great-grandmother, Granny Verdie.

I also am mourning the passing of a wonderful mentor, Carol Morris. Mrs Carol was a kind, elderly woman who volunteered her time, patience, and incredible artistic ability to the theatrical community at Fantasy Playhouse. She was seamstress like none other, and fostered my love for sewing and design that was established by my grandmother. Her costume designs won many, many local awards and there are very few costumes on the Fantasy stage that she didn't oversee. Her calm presence was implacable by design difficulties or frustrated emotions. She was very loved by her husband, family, and friends, and she will be missed. And like my friend Jo said, she is sure to be redesigning the angels' robes in heaven.

Sunday, I heard from my aunt Kathy concerning my uncle Greg. Kathy is a large animal veterinarian in Carrolton, Georgia, and Greg is a genius handyman who maintains their farm and several horses. They have been married for about 30 years. Because of Kathy's high risk profession, they have been unable to afford health insurance and have had minimal medical care for the past 30 years. Greg had been fallen unconscious in the barn a few weeks previously, and he couldn't recall what had happened. It was assumed that he was kicked by a horse, but to avoid unnecessary bills they didn't seek medical care. Then last Saturday Kathy witnessed Greg have a seizure. The nearest hospital referred them to a larger facility for adequate care, and Kathy took him to a hospital south of Atlanta. After a few diagnostic tests, they located 2 blood clots in Greg's brain, one old and one new. The surgeon recommended immediate removal, and Greg was rushed in for an emergency operation. The surgery was considered successful and they told Kathy that everything went smoothly and full recovery is expected. However, my uncle Greg hasn't woke up since. He is in a coma, breathing independently, with full oxygen perfusion, but limited brain activity detected on the EEG scan. Please pray for him, and for my aunt. This is a very unexpected blow.

In addition to the basic academics in nursing school this fall, I am functioning as the Community Health Chair in the local AANS chapter at UAH, and as the Breakthrough to Nursing Director at the state level of AANS, in association with NSNA. There have been many learning opportunities, leadership opportunities, and challenges in these positions, but I've enjoyed being involved. The dedication and passion so many of the nursing students have for their profession is incredible. It is inspiring to see the dedication they direct towards the ideals and politics in nursing, always desiring for better care their future patients. Exhibiting leadership in a position such as nursing is vital for the protection of the patients and improving medical outcomes and procedures. With that, the nurse can enjoy a profession that's profitable and fulfilling. Kudos to all the members serving by my side on these boards, we will certainly make a difference.

...And this is the part where I talk about shattering into little broken pieces. God has worked on my heart in a way I didn't see coming. I made mistakes and He proved to me I was wrong. I grasped for companionship where I shouldn't, I buried my true feelings, I ran away from real problems, I was passionate and complacent and all at the wrong times. Being swept up into a vaccuum of indecision when all I needed was God's home of contentment. I am unique and confused, and the only place I belong is in God's hands. He has my heart and although I can fall and I can conquer, I pray nothing will happen outside His will.

Relationships must happen inside His will, as well. I am looking, not for an analysis of how complex they can become and how I'm supposed to weave them, but to sift through to the simplicity of their truth. Relationships are of God and God created us for relationships. The details and variables must be guided by wisdom and thoughtfulness. Constructing a view on dating as a composite of upright examples, advice, recommendations, and mostly personal convictions. I've come full circle. I understand courtship, arranged marriages, old dating models, cultural ideals of dating, and modern dating. I have many reflections on the topics....but more to come. In the meantime, I highly recommend Robin Phillip's writings to anyone seeking alternatives to the legalism of courtship and the liberalism of dating. Phillips won't give you answers, but many important considerations.

What is so infuriatingly beautiful about love? That it is. Neither good nor bad. It is part of the raw material with which we build our lives, bind together, pivot our decisions, perform, and react. But it's so beautiful and painful sometimes.

I'm alone and it is a very good thing. I am not seeking a relationship, but enjoying my friendships. Like a friend Matt and I have determined, we are "friending" everyone and enjoying people's company without an agenda, and it is a healthy place to be. God has given me so much peace in my singleness along with a serious "be still and know" command. He has also revealed to me that I cannot control people's reactions to me, only my own. I must act upright and genuine, above reproach. I have failed terribly at guarding other's hearts, but I have asked forgiveness and for guidance to improve. Now it's upwards and onwards.

A Tuesday Adventure

Ready, Able, originally uploaded by kait.rich.

A real, genuine blog post due tomorrow afternoon. Have a lovely Sunday!

Envision

We closed our eyes to play the game...

The box was sitting atop a simple, round wooden table situated to the right of the room. Sunbeams were falling in at an angle from an afternoon sun and gleamed iridescently off the box. The box itself was a glass six-sided cube, clear and without a lid, pattern or flaw. It was about a foot wide and tall, almost perfect for toting in your arms.

Next there was a horse. It filled the majority of the space, which was forming into a grassy nook with a feeling of stillness. The horse seemed to be floating, but perhaps not because it also seemed very grounded. It was a palomino, with varying markings over its hide, a long and dark mane and tail, a white face, pink nose and glistening blue eyes. It was larger than the average palomino, muscular, and with an arabian face and structure. The sunbeams fell across it, too, and flickered on its hide to increase the impression of movement.

Flowers were the next addition. All over the grassy nook wildflowers suddenly blossomed, of different styles and differing heights, and in the varieties that I love. The buds were colored purple, yellow, and red. There wasn't a definite end in sight, and the line of flowers simply faded out behind the figure of the horse and table with the box.

A storm began to form. Wind was rustling over everything in the vision, swirling the flowers and the horse's mane. The box stood in its place resting atop the table, vulnerable, as the clouds scattered thickly overhead and the wind increased. The sunbeams were still angling down, and the box was shimmering under the crash and whip of the elements. Rain didn't begin and lightning never started, the wind and mood was enough to know.

Let's dare to psychoanalyze....

The box is, in essence, yourself. The horse, your future spouse. The flowers are your relationships. The storm is the way difficulties manifest themselves in your life.

Listen to a joyous story!

Men of Israel, listen to these words: This Jesus of Nazarene was a man pointed out to you by God with miracles, wonders, and signs that God did among you through Him, just as you yourselves know. Though He was delivered up according to God's determined plan and foreknowledge, you used lawless people to nail Him to a cross and kill him. God raised Him up, ending the pains of death, because it was not possible for Him to be held by it.

For David says of him:

"I saw the Lord ever before me;

because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart was glad,

and my tongue rejoiced.

Moreover my flesh will rest in hope,

because You will not leave my soul in Hades,

or allow Your Holy One to see decay.

You have revealed the paths of life to me;

You will fill me with gladness in your presence."

Acts 2:22-28

Huck PAC

Because I'm too swamped in nursing school to reinvent the wheel, here's my sentiments as stated by Huckabee's group:

President Obama tried a reboot last night.… He attempted to apply CPR to the flat-lining health care reform bill with a dramatic speech to both houses of Congress. He tried to bring back his campaign-era bipartisan tone, saying he wanted to incorporate ideas from all sides. 

His new buzzwords were “market exchange,” “competition” “rugged individualism” and “tax credits.” He hammered on things, like requiring insurers to cover preventative care, or doing away with pre-existing condition limits. He even called for letting states do pilot projects to reduce frivolous malpractice lawsuits. He does however want to mandate that everyone carry health insurance, but he promised that 95 percent of small businesses would be exempt. And he swore that the public option wouldn’t require anyone to give up their current plan…although notice that isn’t a promise that your plan will still exist after the bill takes effect. 

His promise that this plan will actually reduce the deficit was harder to swallow than a horse pill. Does anyone except for the Obama White House and Nancy Pelosi really believe that a new government health care program will be so efficient that it can be paid for just with all the waste and fraud we can wring out of another government health care program, Medicare? 

Still, the President has a bigger problem than that. I’ll tell you what it is. 

President Obama’s biggest problem is that last night, he made many clearly-stated promises that sound great – health care for all, lower costs, free colonoscopies – but that’s not what Congress is about to vote on. He talked as if the process is just starting, but there’s already a bill before Congress, and it’s a murky, 1,018-page monstrosity, and nobody can explain for certain what it says. 

So here is my suggestion, if the President really wants to create a bipartisan, market-based health reform bill, the best way to start is not with a rebooted speech, but by booting the current bill and starting over from scratch. 

Accountability, yo

One week altered vegan

Just say YES!

Peanut butter, raisins, whole wheat bread, soy milk, apples, bananas, yams, avocado, tomato, celery, carrots, broccoli, beans, rice, mushrooms, vinagarettes, green and black teas, honey, olive oil, 70% dark cocoa chocolate, home-cooked foods, eggs, tuna and salmon fish, rare greek yogurt and frozen yogurt (otherwise no survival!)

Just say NO!

White potatoes, white breads, corn, too much sugar, too much caffeine, salad dressings, cheese, milk, ice cream, processed foods, candy, chocolate, all sodas, all Red Bulls 

A change in dietary habits is essential for a healthy life, and I want to take another step towards that. This isn't an earth-shaking revelation, it's just time to act.

Let's do this short-term-goal thing

To remain focused on the present, I need tangible objectives. (I figured this out on my own, of course....) So let's tackle and conquer to two things I loathe the most: waking up early and running for exercise. 

And let's confront first my rationale for all the hate.

I dislike waking up early because my body dislikes it. My internal clock runs on a noon-til-midnight wake schedule and when circumstances allow it that schedule works bea-u-tifully. However, when responsibilities in work and school begin this fall I need a consistent schedule to support my sleep/wake cycle. And the best compromise time between clinical days (5am) and class days (7am) is....6am. 

I dislike running because it is boring. B o r i n g. I am too slow of a runner to keep it interesting. I mean, why not jump on a bike? It is twice as fast! But that's not the point. I want to mental discipline of training for a beneficial goal while overcoming my objection to running. And since I don't have a road bike, running is more convenient. 'Cause it's free.

The goal: 

               Run a 5K by September 23

The plan:

            First week, run half a mile/walk two miles. Second week, run one/walk two.

             Third week, run one and a half/walk two. Fourth week, run two/walk one.

              Fifth week, run two and a half/walk one. Sixth week, run 3.2 miles. Woot!

The goal:

            Have a consistent sleep/wake schedule

The plan:

            Weekdays wake at 6am regular days/5am clinical days, bed before 10pm

            Weekends wake at 8am, bed before 11pm

Yep. Conquering both these areas of my life would give me a wonderful sense of accomplishment. I am determined to finish these goals. And (maybe, perhaps) gain some mental discipline. 

This morning I began reading 'Fearlessly Feminine' by Jani Ortlund. I picked up this book reluctantly, doubting that this author had anything to new say on "the model Christian woman" or if her message could be anything but a cotton-candy filled inspirational. However, already, her words are inspiring me with their truth.....

"And so we fret and fantasize and take things into our own hands. We make self the center of our lives, and God becomes some peripheral religious ornamentation, all in a fear-driven attempt to secure our happiness. But does it work? Are we happy? Look at the world. Look at all the abortions and divorces and troubled children. Look at the rejections and regrets and remorse. We only want to be happy. So why aren't we? Because we believe a lie. We believe we'll be happy when everything is finally going our way. But this is a deception. What we really need is not a perfect life with everything we crave neatly assembled around us. What we really need is God."

-Jani Ortlund

A sailor suit, a sailor suit, a rice ball in a sailor suit!

I recently realized that I hadn't mentioned my wonderful 20th birthday party! I feel terrible, because it was just the best party and two of my friends helped me out extensively with it. It just fell through the cracks during a difficult time. Soooo.....

I'm a theme kind of person - a party always needs a theme. For my July birthday pool party, I chose Japan - tricky and somewhat bizarre, since all the party stores were about was hawaiian or patriotic. I scouted the local Asian markets and found some essential items, and with my friend's wonderful suggestions, the food and decor was great! Many people showed up dressed to impress in an asian theme, and with our party pants on we stayed up til long after midnight (and survived an impressive summer thunderstorm)....

As for the theme, I couldn't help it...I love the Japanese culture! Anne loaned me A Japanese Inn by Oliver Statler, and I'm enraptured by this tale of a inn, steeped in culture and tradition, surviving the flow of history around it. Lately, I re-watched Memoirs of a Gheisha, Spirited Away, Nassica, Fruits Basket, and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. And of course, I always love me some manga. (^_^)

Good news! Sinus infection is vanquished. One 5-day Zpack and I was back on track. Aha.

New people in my life! Amazing, kind people! I'm just so happy.

Other than that, I'd rather not talk about feelings right now. But I'm doing very good. I'm seeking God, and that's all I care to ask for.

Ignorance

If I'm a bad person, you don't like me.
I guess I'll go, make my own way.
It's a circle, a mean cycle.
I can't excite you anymore.
Where's your gavel, your jury? What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me,
Well sentence me to another life.

Don't wanna hear your sad songs.
I don't wanna feel your pain, when you swear it's all my fault.
Cause you know we're not the same.
Oh we're not the same,
The friends who stuck together.
We wrote our names in blood,
But I guess you can't accept that the change is good, it's good.
You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you sir.
I guess I'll go. I best be on my way out.
Ignorance is your new best friend.

This is the best thing that could've happened.
Any longer and I wouldn't have made it.
It's not a war. No, it's not a rapture.
I'm just a person, but you can't take it,
The same tricks that once fooled me.
They won't get you anywhere.
I'm not the same kid from your memory.
Now I can fend for myself.

You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you sir.
I guess I'll go. I best be on my way out.

-Paramore

E N F P

Big Five Traits	Your Score	Facebook Average	This means you are..
Extroversion	92	64	Very Extroverted.  You are very sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people most of the time.
Agreeableness	94	65	Very Agreeable.  You have a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are very pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative.
Conscientiousness	58	63	Somewhat Free-Spirited.  You enjoy living for the moment but are reasonably reliable, organized, and self-controlled.
Emotional Stability	38	57	Neurotic.  You can be upset by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional.
Openness to Experience	98	73	Very Open.  You love novelty, variety, and change. You are very curious, imaginative, and creative.

Your Good Side: Tolerant Tolerant Types are open to, and accepting of, differences in other people. They care about the feelings of others and tend to take their opinions into account when making decisions. Their social skills are reasonably well-developed and they normally relate well to others in both co-worker and supervisory roles. They are described by others with such terms as good-natured, empathic, genial, tactful, diplomatic, calm, and poised.

Your Bad Side: Moody Moody Types tend to report experiencing many negative emotions and few positive emotions. They are described by others as complex, changeable, worried, depressed, tense, impatient, moody, anxious, irritable, nervous, quitting, unenergetic, unambitious, introverted, cold, unreliable, self-centered, negligent, and stubborn.

Read more about the Big Five personality traits. Content courtesy of John A. Johnson at Penn State.

Baby, we're going down swinging

Throughout the craziest schedule of last week, I was literally living for the weekend - which included a Six Flags trip with 5 guys and 4 girls hanging out for over 26 hours! Being a coaster virgin I was quaking in my tennis shoes (having only slept 4 hours the night before (in a condo with several guys) also heightened my nervousness). The guys and I drove to ATL in the wee hours of the morning to meet up with Amber and her friends at the park. I had really looking forward to seeing Amber in real time since we had only been Facebook friends up til then! It was wonderful - we said hi, hugged, chatted - then I was hustled along to the biggest, baddest roller coaster I'd ever seen...the Goliath...

To this day I don't know how I managed to slink into that back cart of Goliath after a solid 30 minutes of sweating in line. Perhaps it was because I didn't want to disappoint my new-found girlfriends and guyfriends, and Tyler's face being so darn obnoxious, that I did ride it, and I did survive that glorious terror of a coaster ride. Next, it was on to more fun.

After Goliath and Mind Bender I was loosening up, but the Batman ride was when I let go and enjoyed it. Sandwiched between Amber, Tyler, and Josh, I kept my eyes open and screamed out lungs out. The Ninja was my second favorite with it's continual loops, and the Great American Scream Machine was my least favorite (even though I'm glad I got the wooden-coaster experience).

Since coming back home, the drudge of every day sunk-in when I found out my parents were not about to allow me to enjoy my 2 weeks of summer vacation in blissful freedom. I was very upset with the rules they put in place and their anger towards me and my "lack of contribution to the family cause." Also, I have developed a sinus infection. (-_-)

Sometimes, my tone can be so light, but my heart has been so heavy. When conflicts come to a head with my parents, I feel like I'm fighting for my life - well, fighting for the right to rule my own life. I'm seriously dreading this upcoming school year. I don't want to deal with conflict with them, I don't want to make relationship decisions, I don't want to deal with day to day issues. I'd rather daydream. I'd rather create a perfect world and plan my futuristic actions like a playful demi-god. Everything is so much better when I don't have to deal with it now. I am distressed when I understand that these actions can't be so futuristic anymore - they are here and now.

Today a thought came to mind, one that I never expected to have... I wanted to be a teenager. I know I whine about getting older, but that's just me being silly. This was a real, hungry desire to feel the freedom of a 14 year old girl. And I don't remember if I ever felt that before, probably just snapshots, and that makes me even sadder inside. I can only search out the joy that I know God wants for me. My friend Gloria emailed me today saying "choose joy." And that what I need to do everyday, choose joy. I cannot escape the realities that have crashed around my day dreams, but I can cling to the hope that God wants us to be child-like in him and to be joyful.

So if my daydreams come crashing, will I have the courage to make them realities?

One more time, with feeling

Our stitches are all out but your scars are healing wrong
And the helium room inside your room has come undone
And it's pushing up at the ceiling and the flickering lights it cannot get beyond

Oh everyone takes turns
Now it's yours to play the part
And they're sitting all around you, holding copies of your chart
And the misery in their eyes is synchronized and reflected into yours

Hold on - one more time with feeling
Try it again - breathing's just a rhythm
Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
This is, why we, fight.

Do do do do do do-we-oo-we-oo-we-oo

You thought by now you'd be so much better than you are
You thought by now they'd see that you had come so far
And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you've never know
So much more than you've been shown.

-------------------------------------------------------------

You step on all my parts and then you walk right out the door
And I know that your love a'int never coming back no more

Time is all around except inside my clock
Everyone is waiting for their lover to unlock

Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up
Time is all around, time is all around

I hallucinate a cat between my feet
I'm stepping lightly so as not to hurt it.
Everybody wants to say that you have changed
Of course you've changed, you've changed - your mind's been rearranged

Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up

Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to love?
Why am I supposed to?
I'm so tired
Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to?
I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want, I don't want

-Regina Spektor

Bravado

My best friend told me I fake a smile too easily.

That I hide, that I'm not honest with people around me.

He's right, because he knows me better than I know myself.

All I'm doing is hurting but I can't stop smiling.

-----------------------------------------------------

I'm coming apart at the seams

Pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams

Now buzz, buzz, buzz,

Doc, there's a hole where something was...

So boycott love

Detox, just to retox

And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life

Imperfect boys with their perfect ploys

Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy

-Fall Out Boy

Abby and Jeff's wedding

Wedding day!

...Girl's night out and lingerie shower...

I work hard every day of my life

"Find me someone to loooooooove......."

Yes, I'm all about Queen right now and it's awesome.

I had two consecutive housing offers from wonderful girls and each fell through. I'm disappointed, and earlier I was upset, but I realize it's all about timing. God will open the opportunities up again when it's right. Now I just need to pray about my attitude and priorities so I can enjoy a nice last year with my parents. I want it to be pleasant and enjoyable, and I need guidance about my interacting with them. I have decided it's worth reevaluating my attitude and becoming more pliable to their wishes if necessary. I'm over fighting. I'm sure this is a learning opportunity or something like that. Sigh.

I did land a waitressing job at a rather unusual place, and I'm interested to see how training week goes. The owner was very nice and understanding, and said she hopes everything will be "compatible" and if not, that's fine. Being a locally owned place, I feel more comfortable about the opportunity - I'm done with corporations for as long as I can avoid them. Anyways, I will also apply at two other businesses because they're conveniently nearby and more preferable in my opinion.

Art. Ideas keep parading through my head. Ideas...designs...colors...origami... I am wanting to hide myself away to sketch for hours without interruption. Yet the end product won't look good and I'll be depressed. Ha. 

Weddings. That's all I'm gonna say.

I am blessed with wonderful, caring, fun-loving friends and I cannot express my gratefulness enough! With the changes in my life during the past month, they've sprung from the background and gathered around to support me when I was hurting and upset. They understood - or if they didn't, accepted - my decision and prayed for me and kept my spirit balanced. While reflecting on how I had lost touch with so many good people, and in some ways myself, I feel doubly determined to focus on God. I know he's blessed me and I need to re-direct my focus on him, which will probably lead me back to reaching out to people surrounding me.

Another thing I have re-discovered is how extremely social I am, in so many ways. (I de-activated my Facebook account temporarily because I needed that emotional break, but I consider it a social cop-out anyways). I enjoy being with people and meeting people and hanging out with people. I think God's greatest gift to us was each other. I intend to have an open-door policy when I have my own place! I want to reach out to people through my home, and hopefully everyone will feel comfortable stopping by when they want to. 

I'm challenging myself on my "free time". I'm just needing to know where it goes, because my "free time" tends to disappear and it's not because I'm being productive. Sometimes I'm over committed, and time flies by that way, however I know there are moments when I just repeat meaningless actions and waste good minutes. I'm try to log my activities more closely, just to understand how I'm really spending time.

The word that most describes me, in my current situation, is free. I'm almost typed confused, because yes that is true too. However, I feel free and open to every possibility. I love it. It's as if I'm digging up those old dreams that never truly died. I don't know how I got off track... I can hypothesize though... it was losing touch with my parents, it was their 2 year divorce, it was altering myself to fit into the group around me. Something knocked me off course, onto another path, but I liked it. I like that possibility too, that alternate course. Yet it isn't the right time for that path, which is what caused me to feel lost and closed in. I care for someone so deeply, but not enough to change from who I am and my goals. Not enough to neglect the first path in my dreams. 

I never realized how far I had strayed, and how deeply I'd gone in, until I turned around and the path was unfamiliar and I was clinging to one person.

- - - - - - - - - - - - 

Addendum:

....Now... I sit at home now and think, "that's not impossible." Anything that comes to mind seems realistic and exciting! Perhaps that's a small sign of insanity.... (I think I remember something from psych class like this...erhm.) Ideas seem almost tangible. I can travel, and now that I know I can, and I will. There is not a single reason why I shouldn't - even finances are negotiable - and since my friend Corrie has approached me about opportunities of working overseas, my heart is happy. It could be perfect. I'm praying about it... but it's so bizarre when she started talking about it - immediately I thought "Oh yes, that's it." It felt right! The future looks so shiny and bright now! Maybe this is why all my moving out plans fell through. Perhaps.

Pushing the shine

One would think embarking on 20 would be so exciting.

But no, it's only brought confusion and struggling and a great deal of heart ache. I've forced myself into a situation that I didn't want and I'm almost too terrified of the future to pull myself out. 

I might have an opportunity to move out of my home and I'm thrilled - but like so many times before, I'm frightened to take the leap. All talk, no walk. I tell myself that if finances were not a barrier, that I'd leave for my own place without hesitation. I don't know if I would, but I need to prove something to myself. 

My timeline of life is so screwed up. I matured too fast, graduated too early, and left behind a lovely childhood without fully becoming an adult. I cannot stand the idea of graduating in the spring because in some sense it will signal the end to my adolescence- and I'm loathe to give that up before I experience it!

I'm bad at decisions. Either I make the wrong one or I never decide at all. 

I want to accept the housing offer. I've already mentioned it to my parents and they discussed every disadvantage to the idea. But pleasing them is a lost cause, and something I've realized will not happen. Regardless of whether I move out this fall or next spring or next year, they will have some objection to my decision. Yes, there is logic to waiting a few more months and saving money, but the truth is I believe that moving is a good decision, and if I land a decent job, I will.

I know that permanency is the most terrifying concept to me... Like permanency of lifelong decisions... Of unbreakable contracts. Love, in my opinion, should be an unbreakable contract. As is marriage, and motherhood. How do I fight this? Pray and work towards contentment? Sure, sure. I'm afraid my drive towards randomization and multi-faceted, sparkly ideas will push someone away from me. And I become furious when I'm alone, I know this now. There's nothing like being locked inside myself. It's miserable. And all the pain of my thoughts sits in my stomach especially. I dislike eating alone, cooking alone, driving alone, and thinking alone, and reading alone, and deciding things alone. This aloneness is absolutely essential right now - but that doesn't make me hate it less.

I have all these ideas, and all this experience, and all these good things in my life. Yet as much as I enjoy them, it's a taunting pleasure because I cannot see the pattern that God is working. He hasn't revealed his plan to me, and I feel too apathetic to ask him to explain or demand why he hasn't. I can just sit back and watch as these opportunities fall into my lap. When I sort them through the pieces never fit. It's so frustrating. 

I've been listening to an awful lot of The Shins lately. I try Death Cab and Copeland and Regina but their music is too heartbreaking. Lovedrug kinda helps too, like always. And true to form my radio stays fixed on 103.5 and I'm too melancholy to be embarrassed.

Old Towne Coffee Shop will become a permanent fixture in my life, I can tell. The environment, wonderful coffee and outdoor gazebo are very soothing to my soul. The good company is so good too.

Summer classes are going well, with projects coming to a close. I'm behind in everything because I couldn't study anything for over a week, but I'm trying to complete things now before they are due. I've decided that school is not worth stressing over, in any way. I have too many other academic and leadership outlets to test and prove myself in than to worry about exam grades. So that's that. I was offered the position of Chair of Community Health by the local chapter of NSNA that I accepted. I'm thrilled about the responsibility and am already in the rudimentary stages of planning with some of my committee members. It's sure to be a great project - much more information to come.

Thanks for listening.

-----------------

Garden State: "This song will change you life," she said while leaning in towards his reserved hesitant figure sitting in the neurologists waiting room and she placed the large earphones over his head and watched his face as the music played on. He started realizing, with her nearby, that feeling things, once more, might be nice.

---------------------

This goose is cooked, these tongues are tied

Around the block an airborne blight -

But looking on the brighter side

There's far less to which I'd be obliged

In the meadow where the black breeze blows,

where underneath the waves you were most alone -

Can you hear the subtle, aching tone?

Through the water, through the earth,

chill the bones.

-The Shins

Battlefield

Don’t try to explain your mind, I know what’s happening here
One minute, it’s love
And, suddenly, it’s like a battlefield

One word turns into a war.
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down?
My world’s nothing when you’re gone.
I’m out here without a shield - can’t go back now.

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing.
These times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it, now…

I never meant to start a war
You know, I never wanna hurt you
Don’t even know what we’re fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like...

Can’t swallow our pride, neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can’t surrender, then we’re both gonna lose what we had.

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
These times when we climb so fast to fall again
I don’t wanna fall for it, now…

I never meant to start a war
You know, I never wanna hurt you
Don’t even know what we’re fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?
Better go and get your armor, get your armor, get your armor, get your armor.
I guess you better go and get your armor...

We could pretend that we are friends tonight
And, in the morning, we wake up, and we’d be alright
‘Cause, baby, we don’t have to fight
And I don’t want this love to feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
I guess you better go and get your armor…

-Jordin Sparks

Two Birds

Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away
And the other watches him close from that wire
He says he wants to as well, but he is a liar

I'll believe it all, there's nothing I won't understand
I'll believe it all, I won't let go of your hand

Two birds on a wire
One says c'mon and the other says "I'm tired.
The sky is overcast and I'm sorry."
One more or one less, nobody's worried

I'll believe it all, there's nothing I won't understand
I'll believe it all, I won't let go of your hand

Two birds of a feather
Say that they're always gonna stay together
But one's never going to let go of that wire
He says that he will, but he's just a liar

Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away and the other
Watches him close from that wire
He says he wants to as well, but he is a liar

Two birds on a wire
Once tries to fly away and the other... 

-Regina Spektor

Hello, I Love You

Hello, I Love You, originally uploaded by Nick Franklin.

This one is great too - I couldn't resist blogging it as well! Nick's play with tones and lighting is fantastic. The background was processed to fade behind to make my body pop forward, but otherwise this is pretty much untouched from the camera.

Unhappy Girl

Unhappy Girl, originally uploaded by Nick Franklin.

^ Rock star photoshoot with Nick Franklin ^

Much more going on in my life than just posing, but in all sincerity it's too overwhelming to blog. Number one priority is directing a theatre program for under-privileged kids in Lincoln Village. The performances are Saturday and I need to focus on all the details until then. Caoi!

Browse Nick's Flickr page for more pics from this series - and see all his own fabulous photos.

20 is ever so young

Birthday wish list:

Camera

Jewelry Box

Coffee table book

Goodies from Benefit

One can dream when one is turning such a perfect age :)

Mood :: "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Bono

Litany

You are the bread and the knife,

The crystal goblet and the wine.

-Jacques Crickillon

Honeymoon syndrome

My good friend and fellow nursing student April was married over the weekend in a beautiful church ceremony. She was absolutely the loveliest bride. Her fiance was my David's best friend all through school. David was one of the groomsmen and I did April's hair and makeup. Pew, what a stressful day...I became reserved and anxious until after the ceremony, mostly do to self-imposed perfectionism, and when that was completed I felt a wash of relief. The reception was a wonderful. And it all worked out nicely. And I was left feeling flatlined. (-_-) I don't want a wedding!

Hey, all the married folks could explain their experience with this...I've been fascinated by honeymoon syndrome since the end of my finals. This semester I experienced a great deal of stress and finals were miserable. I couldn't eat and barely slept from thinking about the exams each day. Then, the second whole day after they were completed I woke up feeling hollow, lost, and w e i r d. I pushed through the morning, but felt only like sitting and staring! Sitting and crying! Sitting and yelling! What is this??? Mom explained the phenomenom, and I immediately called a married friend to confirm the diagnosis. 

"You know what I'm talking about???" 

"Yep," she said. 

"And you experienced this???" 

"Yep. Including disorientation and stomach pain." 

"...........Oh geez I'm not having a wedding."

Quieter, less-stressful note! What I've discovered about blogs is how unique the threaded theme is in each one. Throughout each post the author is spinning out his spirit in a weekly, biweekly, or monthly record. When you look at the collection of posts over a period of time such as a year, you can visualize the thoughts processes and beliefs that grow into a pattern. 

This discovery encourages me to become more aware of my own thought processes - that, and because God is challenging me to examine them. Understanding the scripture to "keep each thought captive" is hard.  I've heard many people, Christian and non, say you cannot control thoughts, they just happen. I want to challenge that. I feel that we don't see ourselves as the master of our own minds because we don't try practice controlling them. Or even observing them. Does each person know their own logic patterns? Do you think of the same subjects every day? Do you think in a predictable manner? Are the processes mostly optimistic/pessimistic/melancholic?

Let's find out...

Returning to me

I purchased two new piano books today, Clementi's Sonatinas Opus 36 and Debussy's Children's Corner. I am thrilled to focus on piano again, and these collections came with CDs that can help me self-teach. I need to regain my old skill and continue improving!

In the past three weeks, the breathing period between spring and summer semesters, I've had a glorious time of returning to what I love! Practicing the piano (almost) regularly, beginning and completing sewing projects, reading two entire books, babysitting, and voice recording. Theatre is still missing in my life, and I haven't had inspiration for writing recently, but these things come and go.

My brother Dane asked me to accompany him once again at his violin recital, and I feel so privileged! Dane is a wonderful instrumentalist, and we have much fun performing together.

Saturday is a friend's wedding, and tomorrow is a party at another friend's lakehouse! *woot* What an awesome week...

PS My black acid-trip-bunny shirt is missing!!!!! I vaguely remember loaning it out. If you were the loanie, please return ASAP because I really miss it. Thanks.

To prevent explosion

When the allergies severely attack

I have to take off all my clothes and lie face down on my bed

Squint my eyes

And push through the convulsive sneezing

Til the Benadryl kicks in.

](>_<)[

The Great Divorce

'No,' said the other. 'I can promise you none of these things. No sphere for usefulness: you are not needed there at all. No scope for you talents: only forgiveness for having perverted them. No atmosphere of inquiry, for I will bring you to the land not of questions but of answers, and you shall see the face of God.' 

-cs lewis

Lately

My experiences with children consist of fun evenings filled with sugar cookies, Magic School Bus, trains, bubble baths, smurf hair, and late night cups of milk..........and always ending with "I WANT MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!"

*sigh* After six years of regular and weekly babysitting, it's beginning to wear on me. 

I conquered the first year of nursing school! *huzzah!* I worked hard, pushed through, and received all Bs! I aimed higher in grades, however nursing school is a different animal all together, and it almost ate me. Glad I won out. 

My hair is a brilliant red and hot pink, but you prolly know this. It's so freakin beautiful. Laurie Brandon of the Mod Squad was the hair artist. On Sunday, she and I collaborated with three of my closest photographer pals to design a shoot. Here's a few, hope you enjoy!

View the full set on www.flickr.com/photos/34594390@N07/

Lately, it's been about finals

I am so pleased that our university ends school redunkulously early for the spring semester. Finals started today with Psychiatric Nursing. In nursing, for each class there is a final and a comprehensive HESI exam, which is standardized. So, more Psychiatric Nursing tomorrow with the HESI. The HESI scores are particularly important for grading your national ranking, and are reviewed at the end of next fall to establish a placement for spring preceptorship.  

Which brings me to another point....next Thursday I will be considered a senior. And not just any senior - a senior in the nursing program. A senior that after passing the NCLEX will be a licensed nurse professional.

(Er. Is it weird that I'll be a practicing nurse before I am of legal drinking age?

Yeah it's weird, and it's kinda awesome.)

What has surprised me while learning the profession of nursing is how the role is very multifaceted. There is no topic or client centered conversation that is taboo. We're expected to be the go-to person on any physiological and psychological concern the client may have, and to answer in an honest, therapeutic, straight-forward manner. If we don't have the answer, we find the answer. We comfort, console, listen to, challenge, enforce unit rules, minister to basic life needs and facilitate medical recovery. Up til now, I have studied fundamentals, assessment, health promotion, pharmacology, medical-surgical, and psychiatric nursing. I have experienced clinicals on the medsurg floor, nursing home, home care, oncology unit, and psychiatric unit. I can tell you about heart problems, medication complications, how to prevent superbugs, check O2 stats, resuscitation, SBAR reports, sexual dysfunction in males and females, fall safety, manic intervention, using a drug book, and how to have sex when paraplegic. (I know, I'm still scarred from that one.) 

Anyways. I did not want to do this, and I've been completely honest on that account. College was not what I wanted - a degree had no interest to me. When it became clear I had to attend, and was probably being immature about school, I picked nursing and that was final. Why did I pick nursing? I have no clue. Or, maybe just ideas...I wanted a challenge, I know that...I wanted variety...and the thought of being a nurse like my grandmother and best friend's mom was just cool. In the rough spots of my life and early college experience I clung to nursing school like a lifesaver, because with all the uncertainties, I could know I was going to graduate a nurse. I did not even care if I ever practiced. It simply became something I had to accomplish. Even though I still lie awake wondering why I'm doing this...during the day I can focus on pushing ahead and setting goals for future success.

And speaking of future success, I need to study. For the psych HESI. Which is early tomorrow morning.....

:)

Goodwill lovin'

I've always been an avid thrift shopper since the days of toddlerhood. I'd wander the dirty yet organized aisles of plastic toys with my grandmother, and then the clothes section when I was older. Nothing makes me happier than a good find! Anything funky, vintage, designer, can't-pass-up-it's-too-awesome item is what I go for. Of course, I contribute as well with donating all my gently used items. Today, the southeast Goodwill made my year with it's awesome Target donations and a cute black dress, all in my size. Today, for $42, I acquired.......

-1 Express knee-length little black dress

-2 Target by Richard Chi dresses

-1 Isaac Mizrahi blue and white sundress

-1 strapless one piece swimsuit in sunshine yellow, 1 triangle bikini set in cyan green

-1 pair of gaudy silver heels by Siggerson Morsen for Target that are a perfect fit

-1 pair of black short-shorts Target by Richard Chi to pair with tights and above said heels

I'm glowing in victory.

<3

Don't tell me I can't

It's borderless, this life we live!

The parameters we construct aren't divine, boxes weren't in the plan

There is the judgment of missing-the-mark

we shouldn't do that

So, there's no border, but there is a mark.

Okay, sin or don't sin

Fathom the borderless cosmos.

Fathom it being borderless in the hands of a God.

Whoa. 

We were not created to experience a box, or rules, or laws

We were created to glorify a borderless, uncontainable God

But we missed the mark.

He knew He had to give us a choice

or it wouldn't be free will -

it'd be a box

of slavery

Now, we make the choice every moment

as a redeemed child!

The freedom of living without borders...

Fathom God's divine plan.

Fathom the borderless life gained from living in it.

...whoa

Launch!!!!

I'm officially a freelance makeup artist!

Today I completed my first set of bridal portraits. The makeup is MAC and Bobbi Brown with Bare Mineral foundation primer. The hair was set with curlers then arranged partially up with a beading of pearls sewed in with clear thread. The effect was stunning, especially in person. I was pleased with the result, but she is so beautiful how could I not be! Photography by John Crabtree on location at bride's home.

Here's my calling card...

A Pretty Face by Kait

Makeup and hair design for your special event!

Weddings, proms, photography sessions, complimentary trial run

Available in the North Alabama/Tennessee area, will travel

kaitlin.m.rich@gmail.com

A fountain so deep, no one need thirst

Holly posted this video about Brian Welch. I'm truly at a loss for words... 

So long... (alt title: live free and prosper)

About the time where America as a political nation is "transnationalizing" and tailoring policies for the greater majorities, I'm running freelance again. About the time where America, as an open melting pot, is serving the special interest lobbyers and corporation moguls, I'm quitting a national (and world-wide) business chain. Yes, I quit my job, but there are deeper things to worry about.

I reflect everyday on the steps that are taken as a nation, and fight the jaded attitude I maintain towards an increasingly corrupt government.  I find the smallest of examples as revealing as the largest issues... Last week our President bowed to a leader of a Muslim country, and the government released a statement to declare the the President indeed did not bow (because inside all fair-minded Americans we found this is a disgrace) but shook the hand of a shorter person... I'm flabbergasted at how deceitful the government officials think they can be, and what they think we'll believe... They lie so readily (and ineptly) about the most basic of matters, and I cannot imagine what they devise in closed quarters.

Um, side note: Why do we feel that bowing to a Muslim leader shameful? Because that country has made attacks verbally, politically, and militantly against America for generations. They hate us... Because the Koran tells them to, and they follow their radical faith. It's considered radical, because any faith that calls upon it's followers to shun and kill people of another faith is radical. We should not respect nor tolerate a country that, if ever given the chance, would crush people of an innocent nation in honor of Islamic faith. End side note.

There's been increasing talk about taxing without accountability. Check out the new and improved tea parties. The Huffington Post and several other liberal news sources attempted to sound like this is strictly a right wing radicalism, and interviewed people with select opinions that supported that. Honestly, it doesn't matter what they think, or what they report. The movement is a fantastic uprising, an all-grass-roots movement that supports no political agenda or person... Merely the idea the taxation with representation (amazing how we come full circle, isn't it?) is wrong. Wrong morally - because an organization how no more right than a normal person has to take money from someone else - and politically - because this nation was the shining beacon of freedom in a power-hungry world, and is now driving full speed ahead into a socialistic agenda.

Ah, socialism. It's funny, I read so many books growing up on socialistic regimes, and was fascinated by the beliefs of Karl Marx and friends. I got their logic, it was simple enough - it seemed almost holy... Let's do the best we can with everyone and for everyone, because we, the smartest and savviest, should rule the lesser folk for their benefit. 

See, they never understood the simplest of truth's: people are bad. People are corruptible, and driven by selfish desires. And people in groups will force their selfish desire on others regardless of good intentions with far more ferocity than one person alone. Established rights can be considered optional when a corrupt group of people begin tailoring their agendas and actions for monetary gain... Rights are optional if they impede a nice fat tax increase. A government knows that the more "things" (programs/nice sounding refunds/beautiful health policies) they promise citizens, the more willing they are to be taxed - and the more willing they are to wait, like dogs, for their tax dollars to be fed back to them.

Um, another side not: It is never correct to infringe on a citizen's rights for the sake of serving another. Never. Never. 

Taxation is an odd exception, because of living in a country with necessary regulations, law, and law enforcement to maintain decency and equality of treatment. We live as citizens of this country, giving our money to the government on faith that it will be used to serve us. Basically, we should be giving money to help ourselves as a citizen and country - the government is charged with the responsibility to invest the money into those areas and this investment is to be visibly returned. Sadly, so sadly, this is becoming less and less true. America in it's infancy saw the effects of taxation without government accountability, benefit, or return. Today, accountability is gone, the benefit is for select groups, and the return of our invested tax dollars is slipping completely away... And that is why we're throwing tea parties all over again.

Nude

Don't get any big ideas - they're not gonna happen

You paint yourself white and fill up with noise, but there'll be something missing

Now that you've found it, it's gone. Now that you feel it, you don't.
You've gone off the rails

So don't get any big ideas - they're not gonna happen

You'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking

-Radiohead

A little water

, originally uploaded by kait.rich.

It was a casual study day at the Crabtrees...until John dragged me into a golf cart and off we ride to a hidden waterfall where faeries frolic and a green umbrella is the only prop you need...

What I do ain't for babies

I'm a strong(ish) woman, I know this. My mother never tolerated silly timidity when I was young, and with three younger brothers to play with I grew into a wild, tom boy kind of girl. Albeit, I was in touch with my feminine side, but in a nontraditional way (I was prolly wearing a bright purple get-up when I caught and tamed a rat snake from my backyard). All this to say - I ain't no baby.

And throughout this semester of nursing school - the last of my junior year - I had been anticipating my OR rotation so. much. It was thrilling me on the inside, despite reports from friends saying the best they saw were a couple of hysterectomies performed closed with a scope. Ah well, I was still excited! Wednesday was my day and I was assigned to OR 12 NET with Dr D, a Nose, Ears and Throat specialist. Not too interesting, but worth the experience. The OR staff included a surgical tech, anesthesiologist, and OR nurse, and they were nice and explained the entire routine with me. They were Dr D's crew, accustomed to her particular ways and had earned a permanent position on her cases. 

The first patient had localized anesthesia and an antianxiety drug cocktail to undergo the removal of three sebaceous cysts from his ear. Um, yeah, not that exciting. I was watching, mildly interested and assisting when I could, feeling cool and competent. It was done, Dr D began cauterizing, and I --- passed out....

Jah. Apparently the smell of burning flesh is potent to the newbies like me. The next thing I was aware of was waking up on an un-used stretcher in the hall, with the OR nurse fanning me. First, a wave of shame washed over me, soon replaced with a wave of nausea. She toddled me down to the lounge room and left me in the care of three kindly and extremely attentive OR nurses. Their "it happens all the time"'s didn't cut the pain of knowing I crumbled on the job, yet I didn't refuse the cup of juice they thrust in my face. Fifteen minutes later, I asked one to take me to OR 12. She was surprised and told me to take it easy but I, like the strong woman I am, said "Lead on." When I entered the room, the three staff were setting up for the next patient, and they applauded when they saw I returned, green and determined.

THIS IS HOW I DO :D

I prepared myself mentally before the next patient was cauterized and...I didn't feel a thing. Whoa. I was so proud. I ain't no baby! So maybe the whole passing out thing was surprising to begin with, I wasn't expecting myself to do that (ever). But I've got a great story to pass down to all the younger kiddos in the nursing program, haha.

Yes, nursing school. I have such a strange relationship with you.

Let's do this

This is decided.

I'M GOING TO BLOG

YES. Out of the muse has been my darling project since 7.31.2006. It presented to the vast interneties my thoughts and scribbles and poems, none of which was very coherent. I used it as a vehicle for anonymous expression and for following friends blogs, but now that I've gone public hopefully you'll be seeing more concrete narratives.

...or not.

^_^

Thank you for following! And please keep reading... kisses

Renew our world.... be the difference

www.handsin.org

This was founded by fellow blogger and web-socialite Nicole and it promises to be an exciting springboard for many outreach opportunities! 

God Send

A specific amount of intrisnic worth
is measured by the current authorities

for each individual,

blatant partiality toward the
weighty value of the masses

(but not the old, retarded, and unborn).
The sway of popularity
along with political opinion
global sexually transmitted diseases
and the amoral, and personal
choice to kill
wage in opposition to the
beautiful new life.

...The meticulously formed individual
dependent on life blood,
secluded in a room of pulsing peace,
swathed in a sheen of vibrant ruby
awainting its breathless entrance.

Precious and innocent...

Completely dependent 

on popular political opinion

global sexually transmitted diseases
and your ever-important
right to kill

a precious and innocent child.

8.30.2006

2.18.2009

Client: #327

Diagnosis: right lung mass

DATA :

Assessment: Client did not demonstrate orientation or alertness but responded to direct questioning about pain by raising hand. Client in semi-fowlers position, eyes unfocused with left eyelid dropping, head arched back into pillow, mouth open, chest heaving, vesicular breath sounds, bloody sputum, crackles and wheels identified, neck veins extended, capillary refill +3, yellow concentrated urine output 25 ml, no bowel sounds noted, skin flushed, very warm, very dry with flaking, turgor loose, severe cachexia with visible skeleton and large darkened patches on both arms. Patent catheter line and morphine IV drip running. Client is DNR.

VS 93/59 151pulse 44resp 83 96axillary

Medications: Atrovent 0.02% NEB 0.5, Decadron 4mg/ml, Levaquin 500mg/100ml, Protonix 40mg, Proventil 2.5mg, Reglan 10mg, Ativan 0.5, Compazine 10mg, Morphine carpuject 1-2mg, Morphine 100mg, Zofran 8mg

PLAN : The client is a 55-year old white male with a right lung mass in end-stage cancer, MI in 2005, history of multiple illnesses. Daughter at beside. Comfort measures to be provided.

            Nursing Diagnosis: none

IMPLEMENTATION :

0720 IV Morphine drip dosage increased to maximum allowable per physician’s order

0830 Daughter left room to tell nurse that her dad the client had passed away. Declared dead by attending physician at 0840. Post mortem care provided, including removing all lines and cleaning body, arranged client for family viewing.

NAPG Photoshoot

Narcissism in it's unrepentant glory... :] I spent three hours Saturday at the Flying Monkey Art Center with the most talented amateur photographers in North Alabama. It was an incredible learning experience, many beautiful photos captured, and there was free pizza!

North Alabama Photographers Guild on Flickr

Flying Monkey Arts Center