There are, at times,
no explanations and no reason.
We're asked to accept and embrace
the unknown with faith.
But mine doesn't look the same as yours.
Life, that is.
My calling isn't yours and nope, it won't even resemble it.
You've hurt me, I've hurt you, but there's
not much to redeem when you're already redeemed in mercy.
Don't plan on me or cast your bet.
'Cause I don't know what "future" is.
I'm clinging to the ever-precious now.
1.21.2010
1.19.2010
A little place of home.
My bedroom is my hideaway, my safe spot, my creative domain.
I like it when it's neat and tidy. Takes effort. /whew
Nesting tendencies have limited direction until I have my own place.
For now, here's my home...
Some of the decorative elements are now a tad too jungle for my taste, but the antique
metal bed frame and folding tea table are keepers.
Framed print of Lady in the Meadow by Kinuko Y. Craft.
My area for drawing, sewing, scrap booking, art booking, crafting, make-up storage.
It's so very nice when the afternoon sun beams in the window .
The beautiful nature prints are Tyler's...they brighten up my day.
The bookcase is filled with literature, novels, poetry, how-to's, cook books, and Christian literature.
All, of which, I've read.
The chest of drawers and dresser (other photo) are my dad's furniture from his childhood.
So of course they're antiques. Tee hee. (Okay, seriously, they are.)
The frame on the left holds my name and my brothers' written in lovely Japanese calligraphy.
The golden stars are ornaments from Anthropologie.
I purchased the vintage avocado-colored couch at friend's yard sale for $15.
I was given the almost-avocado-matching vintage bench, which when covered in homework,
is nicely camouflaged to blend in.
The photographs are of my family. The print is The Annunciation Triptych by Robert Campin.
The desk is generally strewn with notecards, stamps, text books, and half-burned candles.
(I can never bring myself to finish off candles...I love the smells too much.)
Under the pile of coffee table books is an ivory elephant statue from Vietnam,
given to me by the gammy.
(Gloria gave me the large green coffee table book of Welsh poetry and art for my birthday. I adore it.)
On the chair is the softest, fluffiest, most wonderful source of warmth ever.
The CD tower with drawers is bursting at the seams...with yet another candle on top.
The two ivory elephants are miniatures of the large one...li'l jungle-love youngins, I suppose.
The chest holds seasonal clothes, and anything that I can't stuff in my walk-in closet.
(Oh my. There won't be any documenting of that travesty of a space.)
I have four collections of colored pencils, many drawing pencils, so many Crayola crayons....
And the ruler Anne gave me, listing the great Women of Literature. So inspiring.
The ceramic lamp was a hand-me-down from grandmamma that I painted black...
(Originally blue and white with gold splatters. Not so pretty.)
The unfinished-crafts basket. Never empty.
*zmmmmm* *zmmmmm* /pause. *snip* *rip* /pause. *zmmmmm*
((And hearts))
1.17.2010
Preparing for the long night
Sometimes, my optimism is swallowed. Swept over and consumed by a fear of the unknown and fear of a failure. Certain inevitabilities, like rain and running out of gas and peanut-butter on my knuckles when I make sandwiches, become silly issues. Not much of anything can drag me out, logic least of all. It is usually preceded by a manic energy for a day or two, so by the time a depression sweeps in I have nothing left to fight it.
Sometimes, I know exactly what would help, and wish so badly someone could fix me, and sometimes I don't. But if I had to tell someone what could fix me, it wouldn't work as well. There was someone in my life who knew innately what to do. Unfortunately, my mother has never known. She is kind, yet frustrated, if she listens to my stuttered explanations. She has never been one to hug or hold me when I was upset, and that's something I desperately need, in just the right way. But my pre-semester breakdown is almost over, and I'm pulling out of it.
At this moment, I need to nap before my first preceptor shift tonight. I'm nervous and terrified and somewhat resigned to the fates. I know tonight is a testing night for both my nurse and myself. I need to witness the flow of the STICU, the patients that are there, the schedule for the night, and the expectations I'm performing under. The nurse needs to see my earnestness, my dedication to learning, and my eagerness to experience everything possible. I know she won't throw me to the wolves, yet I can't help but wince at the thought me not performing something she expects me to already know. //deep breaths. My breakdown didn't have great timing...but when does it ever. I'll pray hard. And rest up. And do my best tonight.
Sometimes, I know exactly what would help, and wish so badly someone could fix me, and sometimes I don't. But if I had to tell someone what could fix me, it wouldn't work as well. There was someone in my life who knew innately what to do. Unfortunately, my mother has never known. She is kind, yet frustrated, if she listens to my stuttered explanations. She has never been one to hug or hold me when I was upset, and that's something I desperately need, in just the right way. But my pre-semester breakdown is almost over, and I'm pulling out of it.
At this moment, I need to nap before my first preceptor shift tonight. I'm nervous and terrified and somewhat resigned to the fates. I know tonight is a testing night for both my nurse and myself. I need to witness the flow of the STICU, the patients that are there, the schedule for the night, and the expectations I'm performing under. The nurse needs to see my earnestness, my dedication to learning, and my eagerness to experience everything possible. I know she won't throw me to the wolves, yet I can't help but wince at the thought me not performing something she expects me to already know. //deep breaths. My breakdown didn't have great timing...but when does it ever. I'll pray hard. And rest up. And do my best tonight.
1.13.2010
On the arrow
Nicholas Franklin, photographer.
The above are from my first shoot of the year. Beginning 2010 with a fitness theme was appropriate, no? I simply love to create... Although I will perform above and beyond to produce what the photographer desires, the products of a shoot aren't nearly as important as the process behind them. This particular shoot began at 10pm in a dojo that Nicholas' roommate manages (connections: never-underestimate). The ceiling was low, the colors were ugly, the mats needed a deep cleaning, and the whole thing reeked of sweat. But it was what we needed. Nicholas had limitations in lighting and wide angles, and I had never performed this physically for a shoot before, so we trial-and-errored our way through a few obstacles. The results were more than satisfactory.
Perhaps modeling is the most unusual dream job hobby I have. And it's helped along considerably due to the excellent photographers I'm privileged to know: Nicholas Franklin, Marc Turnley, Tyler Pierce, Jonathan McKnight, Joe Davis - and the boy who discovered me - John Crabtree. I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to learn and practice with such talented, patient artists. Thank you, guys.
I'm excited to announce that Rocket Magazine has been printed and distributed in the North Alabama area! Do pick up a copy and peruse (I'm in there!) It was my first professional gig, and an all-around terrific experience. Glenn Mitchell, as the magazine's artistic director and owner of (shine)Salon in Decatur, coordinated the shoot that was featured in this month's edition. Photographer, Jennifer Culp.
As for the holidays, that so speedily whizzed past in a flurry of parties, coffee dates, sleeping, working, and gift wrapping, they were wonderful. Spending extra quality with my family and friends revived my entire attitude on life. They are all supportive, and kind, and funny and loving, and I pray I won't grow as distant to them this upcoming semester as I did in the fall. Nope, I won't let that happen.
My Christmas party....
Tyler Pierce, photographer (all above)
2009 took me down many new paths, from which I have grown so much. There were moments, dashes in my line, asterisks in my notes.... there was my first heartbreak... my first C in a class... I've failed... I've succeeded... I led and directed... I traveled.... I had adventures.... I moved away... I pulled nearer... I was foolish... I was helpful... I gained awards... I lost a friend... and my granny and my uncle passed on from illnesses. And there was, at some point, a complete shedding of my teenage years. Which came in part with accepting that my age and maturity level were merging; I'm almost as old as I have acted for years. Today, I am about halfway through 20, and my attitude is one of gratitude for the gifts of time and experience. I'm progressing towards graduation in May with a BSN. I'm thrilled to be here.
Prayer: I won't rush the process or stress over the piles of work, but accept the days and assignments one by one.
Dear 2010: Resolutions are useful tools...as long as you actually use them. I've resolved to make several small changes that will move me towards being increasingly productive with the time and materials given to me. How this will actually look in my life have yet to be seen, but I'm turning to my friends for accountability. Two life goals: I desire to live with a grateful, content spirit that shuns stagnation and apathy. And that I root myself further in God's joy and peace.
12.21.2009
Jennfunique!
I was delighted when friend and artist Jennifer Birge asked me to model for her Etsy account! Jennifer creates a wide variety of beautiful hand-crafted headbands and accessories (and her craft room is simply too adorable, and meticulously organized!) We had an enjoyable afternoon shooting these in front of her newspapered wall. ^_^
12.15.2009
Rehview, rehview! Reco'mends for you!
I'm a natural sucker for packaging just like the next girl, and have learned a few significant lessons in the pursuit of fashion and beauty. And well, it is too expensive to purchase items you end up not liking, we know this already! t's good to find the products you appreciate using, again and again, and suggest to others. Here's a few items I've enjoyed using over the past year. If you have any comments or suggestions in return, please respond. ^_^
Smashbox Sheer Focus tinted moisturizer...absorbs and covers well! No fuss, and it's my excuse for never wearing foundation. The SPF 15 is a plus, since I have decided to embrace my paleness. I've also tried Cover Girl Smoothers and Benefit You Rebel Lite. Cover Girl was creamier and coverage lasted only about 5 hours, where as Benefit held well but with sheerer coverage altogether.
Biore Deep Cleansing Pore Strips...yes, we're going there. Instant gratification. Recommended for guys as well, since their beauty regime should just rely on keeping their skin clear. After two weeks of regular use, pores close up and skin remains much clearer. The Ultra Deep Cleansing ones do work significantly better than the basic.
Smashbox Sheer Focus tinted moisturizer...absorbs and covers well! No fuss, and it's my excuse for never wearing foundation. The SPF 15 is a plus, since I have decided to embrace my paleness. I've also tried Cover Girl Smoothers and Benefit You Rebel Lite. Cover Girl was creamier and coverage lasted only about 5 hours, where as Benefit held well but with sheerer coverage altogether.
Mascara must be one of the sketchiest of cosmetics. There's an overwhelming variety of brands claiming many benefits, and the price range runs $4.50-28.00. I've experimented with many, both high and low end, and always returned to Maybelline's Great Lash, the standby classic for many years (my mom's wore it since the 80s!). However, when Ulta gave me a free Stila Major Lash with a purchase, I was converted. Stila's claim of no flaking and softness is legitimate, it thickens nicely, wearability is great, and I enjoy the smoothness of the product. Maybelline will stay in my drawer, but Stila has its special spot now.
I'm a jean snob cultivated from a young age. When I was little, I always desired the "cool" jeans, and Goody's Levi's just wouldn't do. I wore my L.E.I bell bottoms from J.C. Penny to shreds. This snobbery was unfortunately exacerbated by my awkward 11-year-old growth spurt to an indecisive 5'8" (neither "average" nor "tall") and being modest which limits cheaper options (higher rise and still stylish? Nearly impossible.). Consistent truths: American Eagle and Hollister jeans have never and will never fit my body, and that the cheaper the jean the quicker stretch is lost. Gap was my rescue, but I found the styling could be somewhat off and sizing a hit-or-miss (0, 2, 4, long, or average, always a guess). After being hired at Anthropologie this August, I took the plunge to purchase a designer pair. J Brand, curvy skinny cut, 27 - perfect. The cut was ideal for my body, the deep wash has stayed true through numerous cold washes, and the jean stretch stays marvelously well. I pair them with everything. I could see them lasting forever, there are no signs of wear so far. I highly recommend the investment.
Perhaps these suggestions help in a way. I would enjoy hearing your reviews as well!
12.10.2009
What children will teach, what adults will learn
Last week while nannying the one and-a-half year old 'buster brown', I noticed the clean light on the dishwasher and began to put the dishes away. The little one had just woken from his nap, and was lightly padding about the kitchen clutching his stuffed lamb. I talked to him as I usually do, explaining the nonsense of grown-up worlds while putting away all the glassware, and he listened in silence, watching me with moon-pie eyes. I grabbed a hand-full of utensils from the basket and turned to place them in the drawer. Hearing a slight shuffle directly behind me, I looked down to see him grasping a fork in his free hand, presenting it up to me. "Why, buster brown, thank you for your help!" I exclaimed, while placing the fork in the drawer. "That's very kind, the fork goes exactly there!" His face broke into a beaming grin, and he toddled across the kitchen to the dishwasher, grasped another fork, and toddled it back over to me. I took it from him, exclaimed my thanks, and he beamed at me all over again. This process repeated until the entire utensil basket was emptied. His attention was unflagging, and each time I sung the praise for his helpfulness, his grin grew wider.
I waited patiently during the long process, being delivered each utensil one by one, but it didn't matter the length of time I stood there. I would have waited twice as long. Seeing the precious earnestness of his desire to help and how he initiated his part to help was wonderful, and the positive reinforcement received from being thanked, over and over, for his voluntary efforts, was worth far more than saving ten minutes. It was worth giving everything to, because little buster brown is designing a pattern of thought right now, everyday, in response to the adults around him. It is worth everything to see that pattern be good and pure and kind.
The fall semester of nursing school ended on a very high note! The week of finals was admittedly very difficult, however, I was determined to spend every moment I could in the library, where I could truly focus, and memorize the key exam materials. The standardized examinations, called HESI, were Thursday and Friday for pediatrics and medical-surgical II, respectively. The spring 2010 precepting positions are granted according to HESI test scores and a random number lottery. I.e., if you've drawn number 1 out of 145 students, and score a 1000+ HESI, you will receive first dibs on any precepting position, anywhere, anytime. The HESI scoring system is bizarre and unexplainable. Two students can easily miss 15 questions, mostly the same, yet receive scores of at least a 100 points difference. And the questions themselves are hard. I missed 11 and scored a 987, and drew number 22 in the lottery. I'm praying this means I'll land my ideal preceptorship: Emergency room, at the larger hospital, pm-am shift.
At the end of the semester reviews, I went in to talk with my clinical advisor, Ms B, who was the course manager of Fundamentals, teaches clinical pediatrics, and will be the course manager of Community Health in the spring. She's a delightful older woman who is smart, kind, and to the point, and I have appreciated having her as my instructor throughout the program. To give me my course performance evaluation, which always sounds so daunting...I sat in her office while she scrambled papers and we talked about the past semesters high-points. She handed me my eval which I was supposed to read and sign, however I am still horrible at interpreting handwriting and it had to be read to me, like a baby. But after listening to her words, which turned out to be the highest praise, I could feel myself becoming very, extremely, emotional. It ended with her looking at me, saying "You have something special in you, and you will go very far in all your career endeavors."
Sometimes I just don't know what I am, who I am, where I am, and worst of all, what I am supposed to be. Isn't there supposed to be some answers around here when you're older? I can feel so fractured. Of course I did wonderful this semester, I always do. I promise I am not being fake...I just don't ever fail. You want a performance? I can perform. I can give what is desired. But what do I desire? ....I want to tell a story, feel emotions, have compassion, give like a sun, be wild like waves, hide like dark, whole and together. Just don't splinter me, don't ask me to be only one, or demand I settle down, stay off my convictions. I desire to be mature, I am responsible, but I'm very ready to leave this part behind, to turn the page. I am ready for my initiation. God's growing me right here today, in the way He desires me...but I think He's placed a doorway in my future...and I pray I get to turn the handle.
I waited patiently during the long process, being delivered each utensil one by one, but it didn't matter the length of time I stood there. I would have waited twice as long. Seeing the precious earnestness of his desire to help and how he initiated his part to help was wonderful, and the positive reinforcement received from being thanked, over and over, for his voluntary efforts, was worth far more than saving ten minutes. It was worth giving everything to, because little buster brown is designing a pattern of thought right now, everyday, in response to the adults around him. It is worth everything to see that pattern be good and pure and kind.
The fall semester of nursing school ended on a very high note! The week of finals was admittedly very difficult, however, I was determined to spend every moment I could in the library, where I could truly focus, and memorize the key exam materials. The standardized examinations, called HESI, were Thursday and Friday for pediatrics and medical-surgical II, respectively. The spring 2010 precepting positions are granted according to HESI test scores and a random number lottery. I.e., if you've drawn number 1 out of 145 students, and score a 1000+ HESI, you will receive first dibs on any precepting position, anywhere, anytime. The HESI scoring system is bizarre and unexplainable. Two students can easily miss 15 questions, mostly the same, yet receive scores of at least a 100 points difference. And the questions themselves are hard. I missed 11 and scored a 987, and drew number 22 in the lottery. I'm praying this means I'll land my ideal preceptorship: Emergency room, at the larger hospital, pm-am shift.
At the end of the semester reviews, I went in to talk with my clinical advisor, Ms B, who was the course manager of Fundamentals, teaches clinical pediatrics, and will be the course manager of Community Health in the spring. She's a delightful older woman who is smart, kind, and to the point, and I have appreciated having her as my instructor throughout the program. To give me my course performance evaluation, which always sounds so daunting...I sat in her office while she scrambled papers and we talked about the past semesters high-points. She handed me my eval which I was supposed to read and sign, however I am still horrible at interpreting handwriting and it had to be read to me, like a baby. But after listening to her words, which turned out to be the highest praise, I could feel myself becoming very, extremely, emotional. It ended with her looking at me, saying "You have something special in you, and you will go very far in all your career endeavors."
Sometimes I just don't know what I am, who I am, where I am, and worst of all, what I am supposed to be. Isn't there supposed to be some answers around here when you're older? I can feel so fractured. Of course I did wonderful this semester, I always do. I promise I am not being fake...I just don't ever fail. You want a performance? I can perform. I can give what is desired. But what do I desire? ....I want to tell a story, feel emotions, have compassion, give like a sun, be wild like waves, hide like dark, whole and together. Just don't splinter me, don't ask me to be only one, or demand I settle down, stay off my convictions. I desire to be mature, I am responsible, but I'm very ready to leave this part behind, to turn the page. I am ready for my initiation. God's growing me right here today, in the way He desires me...but I think He's placed a doorway in my future...and I pray I get to turn the handle.
11.29.2009
Without Condition
You find this situation just a bit uncomfortable;
You'd rather stay far away from reality.
For you to understand would be clearly impossible;
So you shut your eyes and swear you can see.
Claiming there is a God, but does that mean anything?
So condescending to those that you don't understand;
Just too easy to make them your enemies.
Like an ostrich, you bury your head in the sand,
And then shout about all the things you believe.
But if there is a God, don't you think He can see
What you really mean? What you're doing?
You can't find the answers till you learn to question;
You won't appear stupid, just ask for direction.
You're insecure and it clouds your perception
So stop and listen
And learn a lesson in love without condition.
So place all the souls that you know in their own little box;
Quite convenient to handle them that way;
You're the only one you know who carries a cross
You don't care what they care about anyway.
And You talk to your God, prayin' for those who sin,
For their eyes to be opened.
-Ginny Owens
You'd rather stay far away from reality.
For you to understand would be clearly impossible;
So you shut your eyes and swear you can see.
Claiming there is a God, but does that mean anything?
So condescending to those that you don't understand;
Just too easy to make them your enemies.
Like an ostrich, you bury your head in the sand,
And then shout about all the things you believe.
But if there is a God, don't you think He can see
What you really mean? What you're doing?
You can't find the answers till you learn to question;
You won't appear stupid, just ask for direction.
You're insecure and it clouds your perception
So stop and listen
And learn a lesson in love without condition.
So place all the souls that you know in their own little box;
Quite convenient to handle them that way;
You're the only one you know who carries a cross
You don't care what they care about anyway.
And You talk to your God, prayin' for those who sin,
For their eyes to be opened.
-Ginny Owens
11.21.2009
When life gets inexplicable
Inexplicate it.
Step back and shake off your thoughts.
Re-evaluate from your paradigm.
Disregard other's opinions or pre-conceived judgements
until you seek advice from someone trusted.
Otherwise, shed all that fretting.
Move. Relax.
See where the river takes you.
Step back and shake off your thoughts.
Re-evaluate from your paradigm.
Disregard other's opinions or pre-conceived judgements
until you seek advice from someone trusted.
Otherwise, shed all that fretting.
Move. Relax.
See where the river takes you.
11.16.2009
I'll paint you a picture that breaks the rule of thirds
I feel like bursting from the seams. God is orchestrating the most inexplicable design in my life, and whenever I catch glimpses of what could be I just want to burst from joy! Life is difficult and sorrowful and a challenge everyday, however God always provides the strength and stamina when you ask! After hardships and bouts of discouragement this semester, there's a revitalization in the coincidences that have dominoed into place.
Okay, here's the shimmy: In summer 2008 my friend Michelle Brightwell asked if I'd like to take some photos on Monte Sano. Then in November of that year, my friend Tyler Pierce asked if I'd like to walk downtown and take some photos. Then Tyler asked me to come to the North Alabama Photographer's Guild (NAPG) in February for a lighting session, where I met several extremely talented photographers, including Nicholas Franklin. Then throughout the spring different opportunities arrived for me to shoot with different people and a variety of photo concepts, including photographer John Crabtree and stylist Laurie Brandon. Then I recently met Atlanta photographer Marc Turnley when he invited me to another NAPG photoshoot after watching my Flickr photostream expand with Nicholas' photos. Then last week while Tyler was shooting around downtown a photographer named Roland from Captured Moments photography approached him about collaborating, and when Roland saw Tyler's portfolio he pointed me out, saying he wanted to meet me and even that, perhaps, he'd met me before. Well, he had. Roland and I met during the Huntsville casting call for America's Next Top Model, where Roland commented on my portfolio and said he wanted to shoot with me, which never happened. So Tyler emailed Roland's information to me and I set-up an appointment to meet Diana Henry, Roland's photography partner and now Vice President of Smith and Yorgure. Diana is currently searching for new, unsigned talent to front Smith and Yorgure's national fashion launch in the spring, and will be referring me to the designer's for their approval.
Please note, I have not lifted one single tiny pinky finger for any of this to happen. Everything has been in God's hands. It's all been word of mouth. It's all been random, it's all been surprising. And whatever God is sending my way is bound to leave me scratching my head in wonderment. How can I claim any glory from the way my life trails out and upwards? And this is merely the modelling - do not get me started on theatre, acting, and voice performance. That's another collection of coincidental stories for another potential post!
Down to earth again. Sigh. Academically....things are terrible. Grades are poor, and certainly not reflecting the effort I'm extending into studying! It's incredibly discouraging. Maybe there's a lesson in there, somewhere, I dunno. However, I'm burying myself in HESI and NCLEX review books from now until December 5th. I apologize in advance for the extended absence.
What I've reflected on many time this past week is how I desire to be an Esther. Since I was young, when mom purchased me a beautiful illustrated book of Esther's story, she was my role model. Esther was a jewish teenager, exiled, orphaned, and living with a caring uncle in one of the largest cities of the gentile nations. Her reputation of beauty and purity was known, such that the king's officials rounded her up during a nationwide quest for the perfect woman. What were her thoughts? Was she pleased, flattered? Did she resist? Was she bored and anything sounded exciting at that point? Actually, there's every indication that she was respectful, intelligent and kind. She agreed to attend, changed her name like her uncle Mordecai suggested, asked for advice from servants, grew in favor to the harem chamber's manager, and entertained a king enough to become his queen with "more approval and favor than any other of the virgins." Actually, she also "won approval in the sight of everyone who saw her." What an incredible reputation! She enraptured the king that ruled the 127 provinces in the India, and was clever, bold and obedient enough to dissuade his decision to commit a mass murder of the jewish inhabitants. The story is powerful to me.
Considering Esther's story, I think over the implications of such an incredible life... Yet what would we have assumed if we were watching this unfold from the outside? What if our next door neighbor was recruited in a beauty contest to spend a year of spa preparations for being with the king? And think of the criteria of virginity - she was living in a culture that celebrated sexual acts as part of their worship to many gods, a country where the king himself demanded that his first queen "show off her beauty" for his guests and then divorced her when she refused. What did her neighbors, her girlfriends, her relatives think when she left for the palace? Esther was indeed an unusual woman in an unusual position, yet this is where God's path led her. She was exactly where she needed to be, wielding exactly what influence required, to change the mind of a temperamental ruler of nations. Her act of faith and self-sacrifice was performed after much prayer and with complete reliance on God, declaring "If I die, I die." How amazing. Esther rose to the pinnacle of favor in the eyes of men as the queen, she had everything she ever desired, yet she stood in her royal robes and gilded chamber after listening to Mordecai's plea and surrendered it all to follow God's calling and save her people. This story has been spilling over into my thoughts so much, and I just pray I can one day have the faith that Esther exhibited.
My uncle Greg passed away last Tuesday without recovering from his coma. My aunt Kathy is distraught, and clings to the small comfort that there was no indication of suffering during his illness and coma. In addition to this blow, she must put two of her horses down because of an infection and a disability. These life changing events have left her alone, mourning, directionless, and deeply in debt. Please pray for Kathy as she is in this place of sorrow, and for the wisdom for my family to help her. We are saddened, but have hope that towards the end of Greg's life he was receptive to God and his word.
Sunday night Journey Group #WHJG is such a blessing. It is an incredible way to end a week/begin a new one, surrounded by a variety of interesting people and enjoying good conversations about Jesus. The environment is open and encouraging...to have a genuine church community surrounding you is amazing.
And...um...I hate to break the fourth wall, you know, but...I've been receiving much encouragement from friends and anonymous readers of my blog, so thank you! I sincerely appreciate all your comments! And scene. ^_^
//Let me talk to you! ((snapshot)) I love beauty and awkwardness and anything I can discover and I rarely dislike anything and dull things sparkle but are as hard as diamonds and there's always a back story and yet another level.//
[Post title from Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip '1000 Words'
Okay, here's the shimmy: In summer 2008 my friend Michelle Brightwell asked if I'd like to take some photos on Monte Sano. Then in November of that year, my friend Tyler Pierce asked if I'd like to walk downtown and take some photos. Then Tyler asked me to come to the North Alabama Photographer's Guild (NAPG) in February for a lighting session, where I met several extremely talented photographers, including Nicholas Franklin. Then throughout the spring different opportunities arrived for me to shoot with different people and a variety of photo concepts, including photographer John Crabtree and stylist Laurie Brandon. Then I recently met Atlanta photographer Marc Turnley when he invited me to another NAPG photoshoot after watching my Flickr photostream expand with Nicholas' photos. Then last week while Tyler was shooting around downtown a photographer named Roland from Captured Moments photography approached him about collaborating, and when Roland saw Tyler's portfolio he pointed me out, saying he wanted to meet me and even that, perhaps, he'd met me before. Well, he had. Roland and I met during the Huntsville casting call for America's Next Top Model, where Roland commented on my portfolio and said he wanted to shoot with me, which never happened. So Tyler emailed Roland's information to me and I set-up an appointment to meet Diana Henry, Roland's photography partner and now Vice President of Smith and Yorgure. Diana is currently searching for new, unsigned talent to front Smith and Yorgure's national fashion launch in the spring, and will be referring me to the designer's for their approval.
Please note, I have not lifted one single tiny pinky finger for any of this to happen. Everything has been in God's hands. It's all been word of mouth. It's all been random, it's all been surprising. And whatever God is sending my way is bound to leave me scratching my head in wonderment. How can I claim any glory from the way my life trails out and upwards? And this is merely the modelling - do not get me started on theatre, acting, and voice performance. That's another collection of coincidental stories for another potential post!
Down to earth again. Sigh. Academically....things are terrible. Grades are poor, and certainly not reflecting the effort I'm extending into studying! It's incredibly discouraging. Maybe there's a lesson in there, somewhere, I dunno. However, I'm burying myself in HESI and NCLEX review books from now until December 5th. I apologize in advance for the extended absence.
What I've reflected on many time this past week is how I desire to be an Esther. Since I was young, when mom purchased me a beautiful illustrated book of Esther's story, she was my role model. Esther was a jewish teenager, exiled, orphaned, and living with a caring uncle in one of the largest cities of the gentile nations. Her reputation of beauty and purity was known, such that the king's officials rounded her up during a nationwide quest for the perfect woman. What were her thoughts? Was she pleased, flattered? Did she resist? Was she bored and anything sounded exciting at that point? Actually, there's every indication that she was respectful, intelligent and kind. She agreed to attend, changed her name like her uncle Mordecai suggested, asked for advice from servants, grew in favor to the harem chamber's manager, and entertained a king enough to become his queen with "more approval and favor than any other of the virgins." Actually, she also "won approval in the sight of everyone who saw her." What an incredible reputation! She enraptured the king that ruled the 127 provinces in the India, and was clever, bold and obedient enough to dissuade his decision to commit a mass murder of the jewish inhabitants. The story is powerful to me.
Considering Esther's story, I think over the implications of such an incredible life... Yet what would we have assumed if we were watching this unfold from the outside? What if our next door neighbor was recruited in a beauty contest to spend a year of spa preparations for being with the king? And think of the criteria of virginity - she was living in a culture that celebrated sexual acts as part of their worship to many gods, a country where the king himself demanded that his first queen "show off her beauty" for his guests and then divorced her when she refused. What did her neighbors, her girlfriends, her relatives think when she left for the palace? Esther was indeed an unusual woman in an unusual position, yet this is where God's path led her. She was exactly where she needed to be, wielding exactly what influence required, to change the mind of a temperamental ruler of nations. Her act of faith and self-sacrifice was performed after much prayer and with complete reliance on God, declaring "If I die, I die." How amazing. Esther rose to the pinnacle of favor in the eyes of men as the queen, she had everything she ever desired, yet she stood in her royal robes and gilded chamber after listening to Mordecai's plea and surrendered it all to follow God's calling and save her people. This story has been spilling over into my thoughts so much, and I just pray I can one day have the faith that Esther exhibited.
My uncle Greg passed away last Tuesday without recovering from his coma. My aunt Kathy is distraught, and clings to the small comfort that there was no indication of suffering during his illness and coma. In addition to this blow, she must put two of her horses down because of an infection and a disability. These life changing events have left her alone, mourning, directionless, and deeply in debt. Please pray for Kathy as she is in this place of sorrow, and for the wisdom for my family to help her. We are saddened, but have hope that towards the end of Greg's life he was receptive to God and his word.
Sunday night Journey Group #WHJG is such a blessing. It is an incredible way to end a week/begin a new one, surrounded by a variety of interesting people and enjoying good conversations about Jesus. The environment is open and encouraging...to have a genuine church community surrounding you is amazing.
And...um...I hate to break the fourth wall, you know, but...I've been receiving much encouragement from friends and anonymous readers of my blog, so thank you! I sincerely appreciate all your comments! And scene. ^_^
//Let me talk to you! ((snapshot)) I love beauty and awkwardness and anything I can discover and I rarely dislike anything and dull things sparkle but are as hard as diamonds and there's always a back story and yet another level.//
[Post title from Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip '1000 Words'
11.10.2009
A handful of quotables
Advice and not-so-much-advice from the past week:
"Focus! Focus! It's like you're running around without a - oh crap I forgot to do something!"
"Dreamt about you last night. You had a bad infection in your finger!"
"God is so dynamic and I never know what's going on."
"I love you, baby doll. Anytime for lunch this week?"...my dad... and of course, yes!
"Robbie and I are voyeurs - looking @ ur absofuckinglutely great photos on FB. We've agreed that u have a million looks and they are all spot on. Future ANTM?"...text from my theatre hero, Joy Poff
"Stop playing with little boys, Kait, you're gonna get hurt."...advice from a boy, oddly enough...
"I'm not like the rest."
"Are you going to be a stripper?"| "...Wasn't...planning on it...?" | "You should, you'd make a fortune!"
"I want to support you in your craziest dreams Kait, and it's not a matter of success or failure, it's a matter of what you love to do. And doing it. And acting is a great dream." ...My momma told me that.
:: And can I just say NATALIE PORTMAN in V Mag! She is my idol for so many reasons.
When I grow up, I want to be just like her. ::
11.04.2009
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Perhaps I shouldn't establish such unrealistic goals...even when it comes to blogging. It is far more profitable to set reasonable goals and achieve them, and makes one feel far more accomplished. I enjoy feeling accomplished. I'm sure you do too.
The recent months have held joy, trials, failings, accomplishments, and stress like no other semester (which reminds me, I'll be thrilled when I stop gauging life in academic semesters. It's hard to see life as a continuous journey when I block it off into segments of scholastic rat races.) I've approached this blog as a therapy and a personal art, yet still when I experience difficulties in life I retreat into myself. I find the more complexities that arrive the more difficult it becomes to be honest. I would rather smile, laugh, socialize, and be mute about the realities of my thoughts. *deep breath* But here they come tumbling out...
My dear great-grandmother, Sarah Katherine Lucas Shifflett, passed away at age 99 in October. Her passing was peaceful, after attending rehabilitation and receiving comfort measures in the Cook Springs nursing home. Granny, called Katie by those who loved her, lived a quiet life in the country outside Birmingham, observing a century of change progressing around her. She rode a horse and buggy to town, saw her first plane when she was 12 years old, attended a college for young women in the 1930s, married a pharmacist who was 10 years her senior, had two sons and a daughter, was a master of checkers, an avid admirer of cars, and loved all of us grandchildren and great-grandchildren with genuine affection. I will cherish all my memories of running around her home, eating her biscuits, catching green lizards to show to her, drawing on the concrete with clay rocks, and sitting on the worn-down stool at her feet. She will be very missed from my life, and the lives of her family, friends and neighbors. Granny was honored by the attendance of many relatives and acquaintances to her funeral, including my other great-grandmother, Granny Verdie.
I also am mourning the passing of a wonderful mentor, Carol Morris. Mrs Carol was a kind, elderly woman who volunteered her time, patience, and incredible artistic ability to the theatrical community at Fantasy Playhouse. She was seamstress like none other, and fostered my love for sewing and design that was established by my grandmother. Her costume designs won many, many local awards and there are very few costumes on the Fantasy stage that she didn't oversee. Her calm presence was implacable by design difficulties or frustrated emotions. She was very loved by her husband, family, and friends, and she will be missed. And like my friend Jo said, she is sure to be redesigning the angels' robes in heaven.
Sunday, I heard from my aunt Kathy concerning my uncle Greg. Kathy is a large animal veterinarian in Carrolton, Georgia, and Greg is a genius handyman who maintains their farm and several horses. They have been married for about 30 years. Because of Kathy's high risk profession, they have been unable to afford health insurance and have had minimal medical care for the past 30 years. Greg had been fallen unconscious in the barn a few weeks previously, and he couldn't recall what had happened. It was assumed that he was kicked by a horse, but to avoid unnecessary bills they didn't seek medical care. Then last Saturday Kathy witnessed Greg have a seizure. The nearest hospital referred them to a larger facility for adequate care, and Kathy took him to a hospital south of Atlanta. After a few diagnostic tests, they located 2 blood clots in Greg's brain, one old and one new. The surgeon recommended immediate removal, and Greg was rushed in for an emergency operation. The surgery was considered successful and they told Kathy that everything went smoothly and full recovery is expected. However, my uncle Greg hasn't woke up since. He is in a coma, breathing independently, with full oxygen perfusion, but limited brain activity detected on the EEG scan. Please pray for him, and for my aunt. This is a very unexpected blow.
In addition to the basic academics in nursing school this fall, I am functioning as the Community Health Chair in the local AANS chapter at UAH, and as the Breakthrough to Nursing Director at the state level of AANS, in association with NSNA. There have been many learning opportunities, leadership opportunities, and challenges in these positions, but I've enjoyed being involved. The dedication and passion so many of the nursing students have for their profession is incredible. It is inspiring to see the dedication they direct towards the ideals and politics in nursing, always desiring for better care their future patients. Exhibiting leadership in a position such as nursing is vital for the protection of the patients and improving medical outcomes and procedures. With that, the nurse can enjoy a profession that's profitable and fulfilling. Kudos to all the members serving by my side on these boards, we will certainly make a difference.
...And this is the part where I talk about shattering into little broken pieces. God has worked on my heart in a way I didn't see coming. I made mistakes and He proved to me I was wrong. I grasped for companionship where I shouldn't, I buried my true feelings, I ran away from real problems, I was passionate and complacent and all at the wrong times. Being swept up into a vaccuum of indecision when all I needed was God's home of contentment. I am unique and confused, and the only place I belong is in God's hands. He has my heart and although I can fall and I can conquer, I pray nothing will happen outside His will.
Relationships must happen inside His will, as well. I am looking, not for an analysis of how complex they can become and how I'm supposed to weave them, but to sift through to the simplicity of their truth. Relationships are of God and God created us for relationships. The details and variables must be guided by wisdom and thoughtfulness. Constructing a view on dating as a composite of upright examples, advice, recommendations, and mostly personal convictions. I've come full circle. I understand courtship, arranged marriages, old dating models, cultural ideals of dating, and modern dating. I have many reflections on the topics....but more to come. In the meantime, I highly recommend Robin Phillip's writings to anyone seeking alternatives to the legalism of courtship and the liberalism of dating. Phillips won't give you answers, but many important considerations.
What is so infuriatingly beautiful about love? That it is. Neither good nor bad. It is part of the raw material with which we build our lives, bind together, pivot our decisions, perform, and react. But it's so beautiful and painful sometimes.
I'm alone and it is a very good thing. I am not seeking a relationship, but enjoying my friendships. Like a friend Matt and I have determined, we are "friending" everyone and enjoying people's company without an agenda, and it is a healthy place to be. God has given me so much peace in my singleness along with a serious "be still and know" command. He has also revealed to me that I cannot control people's reactions to me, only my own. I must act upright and genuine, above reproach. I have failed terribly at guarding other's hearts, but I have asked forgiveness and for guidance to improve. Now it's upwards and onwards.
10.25.2009
9.26.2009
Envision
We closed our eyes to play the game...
The box was sitting atop a simple, round wooden table situated to the right of the room. Sunbeams were falling in at an angle from an afternoon sun and gleamed iridescently off the box. The box itself was a glass six-sided cube, clear and without a lid, pattern or flaw. It was about a foot wide and tall, almost perfect for toting in your arms.
Next there was a horse. It filled the majority of the space, which was forming into a grassy nook with a feeling of stillness. The horse seemed to be floating, but perhaps not because it also seemed very grounded. It was a palomino, with varying markings over its hide, a long and dark mane and tail, a white face, pink nose and glistening blue eyes. It was larger than the average palomino, muscular, and with an arabian face and structure. The sunbeams fell across it, too, and flickered on its hide to increase the impression of movement.
Flowers were the next addition. All over the grassy nook wildflowers suddenly blossomed, of different styles and differing heights, and in the varieties that I love. The buds were colored purple, yellow, and red. There wasn't a definite end in sight, and the line of flowers simply faded out behind the figure of the horse and table with the box.
A storm began to form. Wind was rustling over everything in the vision, swirling the flowers and the horse's mane. The box stood in its place resting atop the table, vulnerable, as the clouds scattered thickly overhead and the wind increased. The sunbeams were still angling down, and the box was shimmering under the crash and whip of the elements. Rain didn't begin and lightning never started, the wind and mood was enough to know.
Let's dare to psychoanalyze....
The box is, in essence, yourself. The horse, your future spouse. The flowers are your relationships. The storm is the way difficulties manifest themselves in your life.
9.16.2009
Listen to a joyous story!
Men of Israel, listen to these words: This Jesus of Nazarene was a man pointed out to you by God with miracles, wonders, and signs that God did among you through Him, just as you yourselves know. Though He was delivered up according to God's determined plan and foreknowledge, you used lawless people to nail Him to a cross and kill him. God raised Him up, ending the pains of death, because it was not possible for Him to be held by it.
For David says of him:
"I saw the Lord ever before me;
because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart was glad,
and my tongue rejoiced.
Moreover my flesh will rest in hope,
because You will not leave my soul in Hades,
or allow Your Holy One to see decay.
You have revealed the paths of life to me;
You will fill me with gladness in your presence."
Acts 2:22-28
9.10.2009
Huck PAC
Because I'm too swamped in nursing school to reinvent the wheel, here's my sentiments as stated by Huckabee's group:
President Obama tried a reboot last night.… He attempted to apply CPR to the flat-lining health care reform bill with a dramatic speech to both houses of Congress. He tried to bring back his campaign-era bipartisan tone, saying he wanted to incorporate ideas from all sides.
His new buzzwords were “market exchange,” “competition” “rugged individualism” and “tax credits.” He hammered on things, like requiring insurers to cover preventative care, or doing away with pre-existing condition limits. He even called for letting states do pilot projects to reduce frivolous malpractice lawsuits. He does however want to mandate that everyone carry health insurance, but he promised that 95 percent of small businesses would be exempt. And he swore that the public option wouldn’t require anyone to give up their current plan…although notice that isn’t a promise that your plan will still exist after the bill takes effect.
His promise that this plan will actually reduce the deficit was harder to swallow than a horse pill. Does anyone except for the Obama White House and Nancy Pelosi really believe that a new government health care program will be so efficient that it can be paid for just with all the waste and fraud we can wring out of another government health care program, Medicare?
Still, the President has a bigger problem than that. I’ll tell you what it is.
President Obama’s biggest problem is that last night, he made many clearly-stated promises that sound great – health care for all, lower costs, free colonoscopies – but that’s not what Congress is about to vote on. He talked as if the process is just starting, but there’s already a bill before Congress, and it’s a murky, 1,018-page monstrosity, and nobody can explain for certain what it says.
So here is my suggestion, if the President really wants to create a bipartisan, market-based health reform bill, the best way to start is not with a rebooted speech, but by booting the current bill and starting over from scratch.
His new buzzwords were “market exchange,” “competition” “rugged individualism” and “tax credits.” He hammered on things, like requiring insurers to cover preventative care, or doing away with pre-existing condition limits. He even called for letting states do pilot projects to reduce frivolous malpractice lawsuits. He does however want to mandate that everyone carry health insurance, but he promised that 95 percent of small businesses would be exempt. And he swore that the public option wouldn’t require anyone to give up their current plan…although notice that isn’t a promise that your plan will still exist after the bill takes effect.
His promise that this plan will actually reduce the deficit was harder to swallow than a horse pill. Does anyone except for the Obama White House and Nancy Pelosi really believe that a new government health care program will be so efficient that it can be paid for just with all the waste and fraud we can wring out of another government health care program, Medicare?
Still, the President has a bigger problem than that. I’ll tell you what it is.
President Obama’s biggest problem is that last night, he made many clearly-stated promises that sound great – health care for all, lower costs, free colonoscopies – but that’s not what Congress is about to vote on. He talked as if the process is just starting, but there’s already a bill before Congress, and it’s a murky, 1,018-page monstrosity, and nobody can explain for certain what it says.
So here is my suggestion, if the President really wants to create a bipartisan, market-based health reform bill, the best way to start is not with a rebooted speech, but by booting the current bill and starting over from scratch.
9.08.2009
Accountability, yo
One week altered vegan
Peanut butter, raisins, whole wheat bread, soy milk, apples, bananas, yams, avocado, tomato, celery, carrots, broccoli, beans, rice, mushrooms, vinagarettes, green and black teas, honey, olive oil, 70% dark cocoa chocolate, home-cooked foods, eggs, tuna and salmon fish, rare greek yogurt and frozen yogurt (otherwise no survival!)
Just say NO!
White potatoes, white breads, corn, too much sugar, too much caffeine, salad dressings, cheese, milk, ice cream, processed foods, candy, chocolate, all sodas, all Red Bulls
A change in dietary habits is essential for a healthy life, and I want to take another step towards that. This isn't an earth-shaking revelation, it's just time to act.
8.19.2009
Let's do this short-term-goal thing
To remain focused on the present, I need tangible objectives. (I figured this out on my own, of course....) So let's tackle and conquer to two things I loathe the most: waking up early and running for exercise.
And let's confront first my rationale for all the hate.
I dislike waking up early because my body dislikes it. My internal clock runs on a noon-til-midnight wake schedule and when circumstances allow it that schedule works bea-u-tifully. However, when responsibilities in work and school begin this fall I need a consistent schedule to support my sleep/wake cycle. And the best compromise time between clinical days (5am) and class days (7am) is....6am.
I dislike running because it is boring. B o r i n g. I am too slow of a runner to keep it interesting. I mean, why not jump on a bike? It is twice as fast! But that's not the point. I want to mental discipline of training for a beneficial goal while overcoming my objection to running. And since I don't have a road bike, running is more convenient. 'Cause it's free.
The goal:
Run a 5K by September 23
The plan:
First week, run half a mile/walk two miles. Second week, run one/walk two.
Third week, run one and a half/walk two. Fourth week, run two/walk one.
Fifth week, run two and a half/walk one. Sixth week, run 3.2 miles. Woot!
The goal:
Have a consistent sleep/wake schedule
The plan:
Weekdays wake at 6am regular days/5am clinical days, bed before 10pm
Weekends wake at 8am, bed before 11pm
Yep. Conquering both these areas of my life would give me a wonderful sense of accomplishment. I am determined to finish these goals. And (maybe, perhaps) gain some mental discipline.
This morning I began reading 'Fearlessly Feminine' by Jani Ortlund. I picked up this book reluctantly, doubting that this author had anything to new say on "the model Christian woman" or if her message could be anything but a cotton-candy filled inspirational. However, already, her words are inspiring me with their truth.....
"And so we fret and fantasize and take things into our own hands. We make self the center of our lives, and God becomes some peripheral religious ornamentation, all in a fear-driven attempt to secure our happiness. But does it work? Are we happy? Look at the world. Look at all the abortions and divorces and troubled children. Look at the rejections and regrets and remorse. We only want to be happy. So why aren't we? Because we believe a lie. We believe we'll be happy when everything is finally going our way. But this is a deception. What we really need is not a perfect life with everything we crave neatly assembled around us. What we really need is God."
-Jani Ortlund
8.13.2009
A sailor suit, a sailor suit, a rice ball in a sailor suit!
I recently realized that I hadn't mentioned my wonderful 20th birthday party! I feel terrible, because it was just the best party and two of my friends helped me out extensively with it. It just fell through the cracks during a difficult time. Soooo.....
I'm a theme kind of person - a party always needs a theme. For my July birthday pool party, I chose Japan - tricky and somewhat bizarre, since all the party stores were about was hawaiian or patriotic. I scouted the local Asian markets and found some essential items, and with my friend's wonderful suggestions, the food and decor was great! Many people showed up dressed to impress in an asian theme, and with our party pants on we stayed up til long after midnight (and survived an impressive summer thunderstorm)....
As for the theme, I couldn't help it...I love the Japanese culture! Anne loaned me A Japanese Inn by Oliver Statler, and I'm enraptured by this tale of a inn, steeped in culture and tradition, surviving the flow of history around it. Lately, I re-watched Memoirs of a Gheisha, Spirited Away, Nassica, Fruits Basket, and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. And of course, I always love me some manga. (^_^)
Good news! Sinus infection is vanquished. One 5-day Zpack and I was back on track. Aha.
New people in my life! Amazing, kind people! I'm just so happy.
Other than that, I'd rather not talk about feelings right now. But I'm doing very good. I'm seeking God, and that's all I care to ask for.
8.11.2009
Ignorance
If I'm a bad person, you don't like me.
I guess I'll go, make my own way.
It's a circle, a mean cycle.
I can't excite you anymore.
Where's your gavel, your jury? What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me,
Well sentence me to another life.
Don't wanna hear your sad songs.
I don't wanna feel your pain, when you swear it's all my fault.
Cause you know we're not the same.
Oh we're not the same,
The friends who stuck together.
We wrote our names in blood,
But I guess you can't accept that the change is good, it's good.
You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you sir.
I guess I'll go. I best be on my way out.
Ignorance is your new best friend.
This is the best thing that could've happened.
Any longer and I wouldn't have made it.
It's not a war. No, it's not a rapture.
I'm just a person, but you can't take it,
The same tricks that once fooled me.
They won't get you anywhere.
I'm not the same kid from your memory.
Now I can fend for myself.
You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you sir.
I guess I'll go. I best be on my way out.
I guess I'll go, make my own way.
It's a circle, a mean cycle.
I can't excite you anymore.
Where's your gavel, your jury? What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me,
Well sentence me to another life.
Don't wanna hear your sad songs.
I don't wanna feel your pain, when you swear it's all my fault.
Cause you know we're not the same.
Oh we're not the same,
The friends who stuck together.
We wrote our names in blood,
But I guess you can't accept that the change is good, it's good.
You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you sir.
I guess I'll go. I best be on my way out.
Ignorance is your new best friend.
This is the best thing that could've happened.
Any longer and I wouldn't have made it.
It's not a war. No, it's not a rapture.
I'm just a person, but you can't take it,
The same tricks that once fooled me.
They won't get you anywhere.
I'm not the same kid from your memory.
Now I can fend for myself.
You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you sir.
I guess I'll go. I best be on my way out.
-Paramore
8.10.2009
E N F P
| Big Five Traits | Your Score | Facebook Average | This means you are.. |
| Extroversion | 92 | 64 | Very Extroverted. You are very sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people most of the time. |
| Agreeableness | 94 | 65 | Very Agreeable. You have a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are very pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. |
| Conscientiousness | 58 | 63 | Somewhat Free-Spirited. You enjoy living for the moment but are reasonably reliable, organized, and self-controlled. |
| Emotional Stability | 38 | 57 | Neurotic. You can be upset by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional. |
| Openness to Experience | 98 | 73 | Very Open. You love novelty, variety, and change. You are very curious, imaginative, and creative. |
| Your Good Side: Tolerant Tolerant Types are open to, and accepting of, differences in other people. They care about the feelings of others and tend to take their opinions into account when making decisions. Their social skills are reasonably well-developed and they normally relate well to others in both co-worker and supervisory roles. They are described by others with such terms as good-natured, empathic, genial, tactful, diplomatic, calm, and poised. | Your Bad Side: Moody Moody Types tend to report experiencing many negative emotions and few positive emotions. They are described by others as complex, changeable, worried, depressed, tense, impatient, moody, anxious, irritable, nervous, quitting, unenergetic, unambitious, introverted, cold, unreliable, self-centered, negligent, and stubborn. |
Read more about the Big Five personality traits. Content courtesy of John A. Johnson at Penn State.
8.04.2009
Baby, we're going down swinging
Throughout the craziest schedule of last week, I was literally living for the weekend - which included a Six Flags trip with 5 guys and 4 girls hanging out for over 26 hours! Being a coaster virgin I was quaking in my tennis shoes (having only slept 4 hours the night before (in a condo with several guys) also heightened my nervousness). The guys and I drove to ATL in the wee hours of the morning to meet up with Amber and her friends at the park. I had really looking forward to seeing Amber in real time since we had only been Facebook friends up til then! It was wonderful - we said hi, hugged, chatted - then I was hustled along to the biggest, baddest roller coaster I'd ever seen...the Goliath...
To this day I don't know how I managed to slink into that back cart of Goliath after a solid 30 minutes of sweating in line. Perhaps it was because I didn't want to disappoint my new-found girlfriends and guyfriends, and Tyler's face being so darn obnoxious, that I did ride it, and I did survive that glorious terror of a coaster ride. Next, it was on to more fun.
After Goliath and Mind Bender I was loosening up, but the Batman ride was when I let go and enjoyed it. Sandwiched between Amber, Tyler, and Josh, I kept my eyes open and screamed out lungs out. The Ninja was my second favorite with it's continual loops, and the Great American Scream Machine was my least favorite (even though I'm glad I got the wooden-coaster experience).
Since coming back home, the drudge of every day sunk-in when I found out my parents were not about to allow me to enjoy my 2 weeks of summer vacation in blissful freedom. I was very upset with the rules they put in place and their anger towards me and my "lack of contribution to the family cause." Also, I have developed a sinus infection. (-_-)
Sometimes, my tone can be so light, but my heart has been so heavy. When conflicts come to a head with my parents, I feel like I'm fighting for my life - well, fighting for the right to rule my own life. I'm seriously dreading this upcoming school year. I don't want to deal with conflict with them, I don't want to make relationship decisions, I don't want to deal with day to day issues. I'd rather daydream. I'd rather create a perfect world and plan my futuristic actions like a playful demi-god. Everything is so much better when I don't have to deal with it now. I am distressed when I understand that these actions can't be so futuristic anymore - they are here and now.
Today a thought came to mind, one that I never expected to have... I wanted to be a teenager. I know I whine about getting older, but that's just me being silly. This was a real, hungry desire to feel the freedom of a 14 year old girl. And I don't remember if I ever felt that before, probably just snapshots, and that makes me even sadder inside. I can only search out the joy that I know God wants for me. My friend Gloria emailed me today saying "choose joy." And that what I need to do everyday, choose joy. I cannot escape the realities that have crashed around my day dreams, but I can cling to the hope that God wants us to be child-like in him and to be joyful.
So if my daydreams come crashing, will I have the courage to make them realities?
8.03.2009
One more time, with feeling
Our stitches are all out but your scars are healing wrong
And the helium room inside your room has come undone
And it's pushing up at the ceiling and the flickering lights it cannot get beyond
Oh everyone takes turns
Now it's yours to play the part
And they're sitting all around you, holding copies of your chart
And the misery in their eyes is synchronized and reflected into yours
Hold on - one more time with feeling
Try it again - breathing's just a rhythm
Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
This is, why we, fight.
Do do do do do do-we-oo-we-oo-we-oo
You thought by now you'd be so much better than you are
You thought by now they'd see that you had come so far
And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you've never know
So much more than you've been shown.
And the helium room inside your room has come undone
And it's pushing up at the ceiling and the flickering lights it cannot get beyond
Oh everyone takes turns
Now it's yours to play the part
And they're sitting all around you, holding copies of your chart
And the misery in their eyes is synchronized and reflected into yours
Hold on - one more time with feeling
Try it again - breathing's just a rhythm
Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
This is, why we, fight.
Do do do do do do-we-oo-we-oo-we-oo
You thought by now you'd be so much better than you are
You thought by now they'd see that you had come so far
And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you've never know
So much more than you've been shown.
-------------------------------------------------------------
You step on all my parts and then you walk right out the door
And I know that your love a'int never coming back no more
Time is all around except inside my clock
Everyone is waiting for their lover to unlock
Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up
Time is all around, time is all around
I hallucinate a cat between my feet
I'm stepping lightly so as not to hurt it.
Everybody wants to say that you have changed
Of course you've changed, you've changed - your mind's been rearranged
Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up
Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to love?
Why am I supposed to?
I'm so tired
Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to?
I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want, I don't want
And I know that your love a'int never coming back no more
Time is all around except inside my clock
Everyone is waiting for their lover to unlock
Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up
Time is all around, time is all around
I hallucinate a cat between my feet
I'm stepping lightly so as not to hurt it.
Everybody wants to say that you have changed
Of course you've changed, you've changed - your mind's been rearranged
Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up
Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to love?
Why am I supposed to?
I'm so tired
Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to?
I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want, I don't want
-Regina Spektor
7.29.2009
Bravado
My best friend told me I fake a smile too easily.
That I hide, that I'm not honest with people around me.
He's right, because he knows me better than I know myself.
All I'm doing is hurting but I can't stop smiling.
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I'm coming apart at the seams
Pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams
Now buzz, buzz, buzz,
Doc, there's a hole where something was...
So boycott love
Detox, just to retox
And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life
Imperfect boys with their perfect ploys
Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy
-Fall Out Boy
7.27.2009
7.25.2009
I work hard every day of my life
"Find me someone to loooooooove......."
Yes, I'm all about Queen right now and it's awesome.
I had two consecutive housing offers from wonderful girls and each fell through. I'm disappointed, and earlier I was upset, but I realize it's all about timing. God will open the opportunities up again when it's right. Now I just need to pray about my attitude and priorities so I can enjoy a nice last year with my parents. I want it to be pleasant and enjoyable, and I need guidance about my interacting with them. I have decided it's worth reevaluating my attitude and becoming more pliable to their wishes if necessary. I'm over fighting. I'm sure this is a learning opportunity or something like that. Sigh.
I did land a waitressing job at a rather unusual place, and I'm interested to see how training week goes. The owner was very nice and understanding, and said she hopes everything will be "compatible" and if not, that's fine. Being a locally owned place, I feel more comfortable about the opportunity - I'm done with corporations for as long as I can avoid them. Anyways, I will also apply at two other businesses because they're conveniently nearby and more preferable in my opinion.
Art. Ideas keep parading through my head. Ideas...designs...colors...origami... I am wanting to hide myself away to sketch for hours without interruption. Yet the end product won't look good and I'll be depressed. Ha.
Weddings. That's all I'm gonna say.
I am blessed with wonderful, caring, fun-loving friends and I cannot express my gratefulness enough! With the changes in my life during the past month, they've sprung from the background and gathered around to support me when I was hurting and upset. They understood - or if they didn't, accepted - my decision and prayed for me and kept my spirit balanced. While reflecting on how I had lost touch with so many good people, and in some ways myself, I feel doubly determined to focus on God. I know he's blessed me and I need to re-direct my focus on him, which will probably lead me back to reaching out to people surrounding me.
Another thing I have re-discovered is how extremely social I am, in so many ways. (I de-activated my Facebook account temporarily because I needed that emotional break, but I consider it a social cop-out anyways). I enjoy being with people and meeting people and hanging out with people. I think God's greatest gift to us was each other. I intend to have an open-door policy when I have my own place! I want to reach out to people through my home, and hopefully everyone will feel comfortable stopping by when they want to.
I'm challenging myself on my "free time". I'm just needing to know where it goes, because my "free time" tends to disappear and it's not because I'm being productive. Sometimes I'm over committed, and time flies by that way, however I know there are moments when I just repeat meaningless actions and waste good minutes. I'm try to log my activities more closely, just to understand how I'm really spending time.
The word that most describes me, in my current situation, is free. I'm almost typed confused, because yes that is true too. However, I feel free and open to every possibility. I love it. It's as if I'm digging up those old dreams that never truly died. I don't know how I got off track... I can hypothesize though... it was losing touch with my parents, it was their 2 year divorce, it was altering myself to fit into the group around me. Something knocked me off course, onto another path, but I liked it. I like that possibility too, that alternate course. Yet it isn't the right time for that path, which is what caused me to feel lost and closed in. I care for someone so deeply, but not enough to change from who I am and my goals. Not enough to neglect the first path in my dreams.
I never realized how far I had strayed, and how deeply I'd gone in, until I turned around and the path was unfamiliar and I was clinging to one person.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Addendum:
....Now... I sit at home now and think, "that's not impossible." Anything that comes to mind seems realistic and exciting! Perhaps that's a small sign of insanity.... (I think I remember something from psych class like this...erhm.) Ideas seem almost tangible. I can travel, and now that I know I can, and I will. There is not a single reason why I shouldn't - even finances are negotiable - and since my friend Corrie has approached me about opportunities of working overseas, my heart is happy. It could be perfect. I'm praying about it... but it's so bizarre when she started talking about it - immediately I thought "Oh yes, that's it." It felt right! The future looks so shiny and bright now! Maybe this is why all my moving out plans fell through. Perhaps.
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